How much am I loving The Real Housewives of New Jersey? Oh so much. I love the fact that these housewives aren’t even trying to dispel any of the common Joisey stereotypes.

The episode opens with Jacqueline trying to get some control over her teenaged daughter who is pulling some pretty crappy grades.

Theresa takes her three daughters shopping and all three of them are totally blinged out. They go a couple times a week. Theresa also wants them all to match, even she and Joe. Something weird is going on with Theresa’s hair. Wig? Weave? I’m not sure but it reminds me of Bobblehead Kim with the bad weave from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Theresa gets a call about one of her daughters being up for a lead role in a movie with The Rock. She feels really good about putting her daughter into the entertainment business because it makes Theresa the little girl happy. Theresa buys a crapload of stuff for her and her girls and pays cash. I noticed last week that Theresa paid cash for some furniture. Me thinks “big and juicy” Joe must also be running a supa-profitable meth ring because I think only drug dealers (and their wives and mistresses) carry around that much lettuce.

Danielle and Jacqueline have lunch and Danielle immediately informs us that there was an instant connection the minute she met Jacqueline. I think Danielle just separated the nicest and most level headed housewife from the rest of herd and is actually lining up a much needed ally because something tells me she is gonna stir the put, but good, this season. Danielle is eager to become part of the Sopranos Manzo’s inner circle and Jacqueline very tactfully explains that she’ll need to back ‘er down Jackson if she wants them to trust and accept her.

Jacqueline prepares for a birthday party for her son C.J. complete with a petting zoo, pony rides, bounce house, and slide. Her BFF Danielle follows her around as she tries to finish getting everything ready. Danielle tells Jacqueline that her daughter has invited a bunch of kids from school to the party and Danielle asks Jacqueline if she wants her to talk to her daughter. Jacqueline wisely ignores Danielle’s backseat parenting and goes to talk to her daughter herself.

For what it’s worth, my favorite housewife is Jacqueline and my least favorite is Danielle. And where were all the New Jersey husbands? Are Bravo producers tailing them around town in unmarked town cars trying to get a shot of them doing anything? Engaging in crime? Proving they exist?

And guess what I found out? Tommy and Al’s dad was murdered and found stuffed in the trunk of his Lincoln Continental. Don’t ask me how I know (it’s just good investigative journalism folks).

Reunion show:

I had a hard time even looking at the TV screen every time they panned to Danielle and her cold, dead, Voldemort eyes. I told David it looked like her soul had been sucked out of her body and that she was totally creeping me out.

I think it’s worth mentioning that even though I love making fun of the Real Housewives, I’d give one of my organs to be on the show. I don’t care how many Bravo employees I’d have to have wild monkey sex with either. The opportunity to earn 10K every episode for doing things I”m already doing anyway is way too tempting to pass up.

Probably Dave should take my credit card away because I just ordered myself a “Happy Wife, Happy Life” t-shirt from Teresa G’s website. I also threw in a pink baseball cap with “Happy Wife, Happy Life” written in rhinestones (bling, bling!). They should be coming soon.

I was really looking forward to last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of NYC for two reasons: I wanted to see Jill give Kelly a verbal ass-whipping for being late to her own Halloween party and I was stoked about the re-match between Bethenny and Kelly.

The episode opened with Alex and Simon heading down to Zarin Fabrics because even though Simon’s mind is like a steel trap filled with all kinds of organized information, the fact that they don’t have any window treatments for their fabulous Brooklyn townhouse slipped through the cracks.

They brought their devil’s spawn with them and I think this episode proves that putting those leash and harness thingies on kids is not always a bad idea. Frank and Joe were running around like hooligans while Jill cringed and waited for Alex and Simon to do something about it.

Simon and Alex were drawn to the red fabric and Alex stated that her and Simon’s style is dramatic and “has flair.” Like Jill, Alex and Simon have been drinking Gay Brad’s kool-aid because they let him decide exactly what they should buy.

Bethenny went to see Francky, her gay hairdresser, so he could trim up her weave and wash that gray right out of her hair. Francky wants to fix Bethenny up with his model friend and Bethenny says, “I don’t do models.”

Francky googled Bethenny and showed his friend a picture of her holding her dog while wearing a turquoise bikini and transparent raincoat which has to be the most ridiculous ensemble I’ve ever seen thirty-seven year old Bethenny wear. She, however, is thrilled with Francky’s choice and thinks the picture is a “good one.”

Personally, I think Bethenny needs to cut down on her caffeine consumption. She was talking non-stop to Francky and couldn’t seem to keep her mouth shut for very long. Bethenny knows the viewers think she is clever and funny but now it seems like she’s always trying to cram in as many one liners as she can every time she’s on camera.

Francky and Bethenny make a pact that if Bethenny hasn’t found a man by the time she’s forty, she and Francky will get married, have a baby, and live happily ever after while Bethenny pays the bills and they both do whatever the hell they want.

Back in Brooklyn, Alex points out that whenever she and Simon renovate, they always, always set a deadline so that things will get done on time (completely forgetting that the contractor will hold things up whenever he damn well feels like it, especially if he wants to fuck with the annoying people who have retained his services). Alex and Simon are under the gun because they’ve wisely chosen to host a housewarming party in five days, even though the townhouse doesn’t even look like the walls are finished.

They decide to invite everyone, including Ramona, and let each person decide whether or not to show up. Simon continues to hold out hope that he and Ramona will become besties and informs Alex that he and Ramona had a really nice moment after the tennis match and hugged for like 45 seconds.

Ramona has an appointment with her plastic surgeon even though there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way she looks. She does, however, want to maintain her looks because “if you look good, you feel good.” She also wants to talk about her sweaty armpits and what can be done about them so she doesn’t ruin all her cashmere sweaters. Gross Ramona, get some Secret Clinical strength deodorant and shut up. While she’s there Ramona also has some age spots removed and I have no idea why Bravo has wasted my time with any of this.

LuAnn Charlotte, Kelly Carrie, LuAnn’s niece #1 Miranda, and, LuAnn’s niece #2 Samantha go out and pretend they’re on Sex and the City instead of a reality show. LuAnn says that Kelly acts like she’s twenty-one anyway so she should fit right in with her young nieces.

Suddenly, barely bi-lingual Max sashays in to say hello which does not please LuAnn. Max sits down and tries to keep his hair out of his eyes. After Max leaves to go out to dinner, LuAnn asks Kelly how long they’ve been dating but Kelly won’t answer because it’s a big secret. LuAnn tells Kelly she should just let her hair down so Kelly reaches up and literally lets her hair down because she’s a complete retard.

Alex and Simon are still trying to get casa Van Kempen presentable for the housewarming party. Unfortunately, Simon has urgent business to attend to at the Super 8 motel he manages so Alex will have to handle everything while he’s gone. The townhouse is still in complete shambles and rain is leaking in because the door hasn’t been installed completely.

Bethenny goes on her blind date with the model and admits there is a slight language barrier. She orders her signature skinnygirl margarita for both of them. She is wearing a tight dress that shows off her boobies. She is rambling on like she had some cocaine before she left the house. She also mentions that she’s a ball-buster which I think would be better revealed by the “show don’t tell” method but that’s just me.

The Van Kempen’s get ready for the big reveal. While they’re waiting for their guests to show up, Simon runs around the room frantically straightening picture frames. He’s all dressed up in a shiny new black jacket.

Kelly slums it down to Brooklyn and arrives early and Simon thinks it’s because she’s trying to make amends for being so late to her own Halloween party. It turns out that Kelly’s only early because she has no idea where she is or how long it would take to get there so she allowed for extra time. I’m guessing that when the girl in the plastic bubble leaves Manhattan she’s totally screwed in finding her way back without some help. Alex and Simon point out once again where they are and how totally cool it is to live there because of all the actors and writers who live in Brooklyn.

When Bethenny arrives Simon thinks she is “gobsmacked” by how fabulous the townhouse turned out. Bethenny’s calls it “bordello” and “gothic” with all the black and red. The black duet blinds look horrible but Gay Brad told them they were fabulous so they had to buy them. The whole thing looks like it was decorated by a bunch of acid dropping vampires with bad taste.

Jill tells Kelly “I could kill you” for being late to her Halloween party. Kelly blathers on about her kids and parents being at her house and how she couldn’t just jump on the subway in her black bunny costume.

Simon and Alex think that everyone loves their renovation. Simon says, with a completely serious look on his face, that he and Alex’s renovation was “bigger” than Jill’s and that Jill was probably worried that he and Alex would “one-up” her again. Wait a minute, when did they “one-up” her the first time? I don’t know how to explain this scenario other than to say that Simon has clearly gone to his happy place in a parallel universe where reality is optional.

Round two for Bethenny and Kelly occurs at Jill’s apartment where they have all gathered for another charity meeting. Jill asked Kelly to come early so she and Bethenny could have a talk. Kelly has the same stupid P-O-O-P tables as Jill except they are her and her daughter’s initials.

Bethenny asks Kelly to sit down with her and hear her out. Bethenny says that every time she has seen Kelly, Kelly acts like she doesn’t know who Bethenny is or that she’s meeting Bethenny for the first time which is really hurtful and disrespectful.

Kelly says that she meets hundreds of people every day and she’s rude to them too!

Kelly apologizes to Bethenny and tells her that she’s sorry if Bethenny’s been hurt or insulted by Kelly not saying hello to her. Kelly tells Bethenny she has no reason to be mean to her and Bethenny says she thought maybe since Kelly said she is “up here” and Bethenny is “down there” that maybe she doesn’t say hello because she thinks she’s better than Bethenny.

Kelly then tells Bethenny she’s making a mountain out of a molehill and seems to have absolutely no recollection of their prior conversation during round 1. Kelly then inexplicably points out that they’re sitting on Ally’s bed (who is an adorable girl) and that Bethenny’s a beautiful woman with a lot going for her and Kelly once again tells Bethenny she won’t indulge her. Bethenny points out that she really seems to get Kelly worked up and Kelly says it’s because Bethenny keeps poking her. Kelly than wisely states that if Bethenny has a problem with her, she should come to Kelly so they can talk it out. Bethenny points out that that’s exactly what she’s doing. Kelly then thanks Bethenny for coming and ends the conversation saying that the air is clear. Bethenny points out that the air is not clear and Kelly starts saying “seriously Bethenny, seriously Bethenny ” in this really weird inflection, like she’s just so weary of the argument. Kelly did this in round 1 and I think she does it to buy time when she doesn’t know what to say next.

Kelly tells Bethenny that she should be mad at Bethenny for attacking her in front of her peers at the charity meeting but then tells Bethenny she looks adorable in her Zac dress and thanks her for coming.

Bethenny is just as confused about Kelly’s statements as she was in round 1.

Jill forgot to get wine and says that Ramona will implode if she can’t hook up her pinot grigio I.V. as soon as she arrives at Jill’s apartment. Kelly offers to go get the wine which allows Bethenny to tell Jill all about what transpired in Ally’s bedroom.

Next week is Part two of this episode (and the season finale!). May 12th is the Real Housewives of NYC reunion show and the premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I can hardly wait.

**********If you are looking for the ‘TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ post, click here.

Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives was so boring, I almost fell asleep twice. Bravo dangled a big carrot in front of me by alluding to more Kelly shenanigans but didn’t deliver much in the way of drama, in my Real Housewife of Dallas County opinion.

The show opened with LuAnn and Count Chocula’s daughter Victoria coming home from boarding school for a weekend visit. Victoria has recently discovered shopping at Goodwill and tells LuAnn that she paid $9 for several scarves and sweaters. LuAnn misses a golden opportunity to commend Victoria for choosing to avoid conspicuous consumption but instead informs Victoria that they need to get her “paws” fixed while she’s home as it’s clear she is long overdue for a manicure. Later, while they are out shopping, Victoria tries to convince LuAnn not to buy a dress because she already has one just like it but LuAnn won’t listen, thus proving that sometimes children are smarter than the adults who give birth to them.

Next some douche from the BBC interviews Jill and tries to get her to admit that Americans, and their nasty spending, are the sole reason behind the entire world’s economic crisis. Frankly I don’t think Jill Zarin is the one they should be interviewing because even though she spends money almost as fast as Bobby can launder it, she doesn’t appear to be living above her means. Jill uses the interview as an opportunity to pimp her various charities and agrees that people who make donations to them may be feeling the pinch of a tighter budget. I think Jill handled the interviewer’s questions very well and defended her spending as something she could afford.

Kelly heads to the mall to get a new set of Glamour shots. She’s wearing her favorite pair of ripped up jeans for some totally bootylicious shots, yo! She also plans on using one of the pictures on the invitations for a Halloween party she’s hosting.

Jill meets with a fashion designer to finalize her and Ginger’s costume for a charity event/Halloween party that she’s attending with Ramona and Bethenny and their dogs. Jill and Ginger are going as Elle and Bruiser Woods from “Legally Blonde”. Ramona and her dog are dressed like Robin Hood and Bethenny dressed up as Roller Girl and dressed her dog cookie up as Roller Bitch. I’m going to dress up as Dorothy Hamill so I can wear ice skates because the day Chloe and I start attending parties together in matching costumes is the day hell freezes over.

Next up, Simon takes Alex to meet with a fashion designer named Maggie. All the clothes she designs are made from recycled materials. The Emperor Simon has paid the swindler Maggie $7,000 he doesn’t have (hey BBC interviewer, over here!) to commission the most fabulous new couture corset for Alex. The Swindler Maggie tells Simon that only those people who are truly on the cutting edge of fashion will realize just how totally awesome the corset is and all others will have to return to their native Australia right away.

Simon presents the corset, made entirely out of old burlap feed bags to Alex and he’s so excited by the truly fabulous garment that he turns into an actual girl.

“Jesus H. Christ,” Alex thinks. “What the eff has my gay husband done now? If I refuse to have my boobs held up by a freaking feedbag they’ll think I’m not edgy and don’t have any fashion sense and then they’ll make me go back to Kansas and live in the suburbs and that simply cannot happen because I live in Brooklyn, BROOKLYN DAMMIT! with all the other wannabe hipster posers and I’m not going back to the midwest and they can’t make me!”

Alex has no choice but to go on and on about how wonderful the crappy piece of burlap is. She then claims that she and Simon tend to be fearless with fashion and since she wants to wear the corset in as public a place as possible, she plans on wearing it to the opening night at the opera (where hopefully a tourist from my hometown will walk by and point out that the corset is ridiculous).

Next everyone shows up for Kelly’s frat Halloween party, except Kelly. Jill dresses as Marie Antoinette, Bethenny recycles her Roller Girl costume, and LuAnn trots out some American Indian garb, complete with a feather. Simon and Alex come as Sarah Palin and a moose.

Not only is Kelly a no-show but there’s a cash bar for God’s sake and the housewives are not happy about having to pay for their own skinnygirl cocktails. Bethenny delivers a speech about how not fabulous Kelly is and skates off down the street. The housewives finally give up on Kelly and leave to go to the other wonderful parties they’ve been invited to.

When Kelly and barely bi-lingual Max do finally show up she is wearing a black bunny costume because Party America didn’t have any more naughty nurse outfits. Kelly says her outfit is fun and flirty but since she’s a mom it can’t be over the top. Kelly admits she’s late but says that her girls had to celebrate Halloween and then she had to get ready (which would all be things I would have thought about ahead of time but whatever). Kelly looks around and gets upset when she realizes everyone has left but finally admits that what she did was “not nice” and halfheartedly defends herself by mentioning that she couldn’t call anyone because she can’t fit a Blackberry in her costume.

Next week, Bravo anticipates a spike in ratings as Kelly and Bethenny lace up their gloves for round two and Kelly tries to keep the other housewives from lynching her.

Maybe I should change the name of this blog to A Snarky Housewife in Dallas County because lately all I seem to be doing is writing about those silly ladies on Bravo.

The episode opens with Jill stating that “in New York, women work, women have to work. I’m a trained business woman, retail is in my blood. And it just happened to be lucky that I fell in love with Bobby and he has a retail store so I was able to get back into it.”

They’re introducing a new eco-friendly fabric line at Zarin Fabrics so Jill invited all the housewives down to the store. Yawn!

Ramona and Mario show up and Jill made sure to point out to Mario that “this is where I work.” Jill and Mario re-hashed the tennis match argument for the fifty-eleventh time. Jill waved the white flag because she said it was easier than fighting with Mario and his huge ego.

Mario then grills Simon (who Mario calls a fashionista) about why he wore such an effing dorky outfit straight out of seventh grade gym class for the tennis match. Simon replied that he hasn’t played tennis since seventh grade and that’s the outfit he ran out and bought at the last minute.

Bethenny mentions that the rules of dating have changed since tanorexic Ramona and her chignon gave dating advice to Cosmopolitan magazine. Bethenny thinks men should think of her vagina as a vase and if you’ve had sex with her, it’s time to send flowers. Jill loves that line and wishes Bobby would disappear so she could bar hop and pick up dudes with Bethenny.

Shiny greasy Kelly and Max arrive at the Zarin Fabrics party. Old gay Brad has too much to drink and makes a total ass of himself by drooling over Max and following him around. Max and Kelly get into a pillow fight and Kelly smears her shiny greasy face all over the Zarin’s expensive fabrics.

Bethenny heads to Greenwich to set up a display of her baked goods at a local grocery store. She is dismayed to discover that pretty much no one in Connecticut wants a cookie or a cupcake. She is asked by some old lady where the rotisserie chickens are.

LuAnn meets with her ghost-writer so she can hammer out some more details for her boring etiquette book. LuAnn explains the absolutely scintillating do’s and dont’s of kissing hello and how there is no way in hell she’d ever go dutch on a date. She also doesn’t like people who talk too much (which is funny because she never seems to shut her pie-hole). To be fair, neither do I.

Kelly goes to L.A. to meet with her friend Pascal. Her jewelry line started with the owl and now she’s planning to expand. Dave and I thought the owl necklaces were butt ugly and look like something a grandma would wear. And instead of an owl they sorta looked like big, gold, hairy tarantulas to me. Kelly thought they looked awesome but I think they are atrocious and all my friends would make fun of me if I showed up wearing one.

Next we see Jill pretending to work at Zarin Fabrics again. She assists two gay men who are looking for fabric for drapes. They thought Jill was amazing because all they had to tell her was “preppy” and she knew exactly what to show them. Jill asks them if they’re handy and they say “no, we’re gay.” Jill goes on to say that she “loves selling, it’s not work, and it comes from the soul.”

For some inexplicable reason, Bravo decides to show Kelly running through the streets of New York, dodging taxis and inhaling a shitload of exhaust. Kelly says, “running in New York is one of the most exhilarating things you can do.” I’m thinking it’s one of the more dangerous and foolhardy things you can do but what do I know. Kelly says she “loves to run in the traffic trenches.” I kept waiting to hear the music from Rocky as Kelly runs along in her black shorts, hair flying behind her. I have no idea what to say about this scene except superfluous, unnecessary, and WTF?

Jill invites Kelly to go with her to meet a bag designer. Jill admits that with the economy in shambles, dropping $16,000 on a bag is more appropriate than the jewelry she usually commands. I couldn’t resist pointing out to Dave that $385 for a Dooney and Bourke seems downright cheap compared to the sixteen grand Jill Bobby was about to spend.

There was a lot of book promoting on the show last night. Both Bethenny and The Countess pimped their book covers. I think one of the Orange County housewives should write a book. Wait, no I don’t.

A magazine crew from (Des Moines!) show up to photograph Jill’s newly renovated apartment. Jill asks if they have a P.P., aka a private plane. The gal from Des Moines later gets shit faced drunk and laughs about how non classy the fauxcialites in New York are.

Ramona invites some friends, including Bethenny, over to sample her skin care line. Bethenny tries to offer advice about building a brand but Ramona covers her ears and says “la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I can’t hear you, la, la, la, la, la.” Ramona then goes on to tell everyone that Jill builds Bethenny up because she likes an “underdog.” One of Ramona’s friends tries to point out that Jill probably doesn’t think Bethenny is an underdog and Ramona sticks her fingers back in her ears and resumes la,la,la-ing.

I bet a wine glass full of chardonnay from the fountain of youth that Bethenny’s thinking: “Underdog my ass, you old whore. You’re gonna die way before me ’cause you’re old and my vagina/vase is going to be overflowing with flowers while you’re stuck with Mario.”

Simon plans a series of surprises for Alex’s birthday. He sends a car to pick her up at work. I’m not sure what’s going on with Alex’s hair lately but it looks like she’s doing some awkward French braid thingy and it’s drawing attention to her thin lips. I think she should visit TheHairstyler.com and upload her picture and then try on some new do’s like I do when I need to change my look.

Simon takes Alex to a jewelry designer and they pick out a pair of dangly earrings. After that, things get weird. Simon wants the driver to take an alternate route home, because he’s all tricky like that, and he wants Alex to think they’re not going home to celebrate with the kids when they really are.

The driver ruins everything by missing a crucial turn-off and Simon starts dropping a rapid fire series of f-bombs. Alex has a weird look on her face, like maybe she realizes the anger management classes aren’t working. She fails to address Simon’s behavior the same way she and Simon refused to address the behavior of their misbehaving hooligan kids in season 1. Simon’s blood pressure finally goes down and he and Alex head inside to have cupcakes with their future juvenile delinquents.

In the preview for next week’s episode, Kelly appears to be up to her old tricks and pisses everyone off by not being as fabulous as she thinks she is.

Set your DVR’s now kids, you won’t want to miss it!

Oh Bravo, how you love to yank my chain.

The newest installment of the Real Housewives franchise could have been located anywhere. Houston, Chicago, Boston, even Minneapolis.

But what would be the fun in that?

Bravo’s turned the tables on us all by serving up the mother lode of geographical stereotyping with the debut of The Real Housewives of New Jersey (insert your own references to the Jersey Shore, big hair, and Bon Jovi).

This particular franchise had me a bit confused. Almost everyone on this show is related to each other by blood or marriage. I almost had to construct a flow-chart to keep everyone straight. It was a short episode so I think the best thing to do is to introduce everyone and provide my own special commentary which really means I’m going to make fun of them.

Caroline Manzo is the family matriarch and she scares the crap out of me. I have no doubt that if you’d like someone to swim with the fish while wearing concrete boots, she could make it happen. She’s been married to Al for 25 years and tells us that “my husband spoils the shit out of me.” My guess is that he spoils his mistress a little more. Al runs a “premiere” catering facility called The Brownstone that has been in the family for over 30 years. Caroline has three children: Albie, who is in law school, Christopher, a “get rich quick” entrepreneur, and Lauren who works for the family business. Christopher wants to open a car wash/strip club and Caroline tells him “let’s run a respectable strip club, one mommy can be proud of.”

Dina Manzo is Caroline’s younger sister. She is also married to Caroline’s husband’s brother Tommy. She is the founder of Project Ladybug and also works as an interior designer and event planner. She has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage. In the preview episode Dina is show interviewing a young man for a position as her assistant. She asks him if her hairless cat is cute or ugly? (Me raising hand) Ugly! Ugly! The young man says cute. She then asks him if he’ll wash her car and buy her tampons. He says yes. No one asked me but I used to work in Human Resources and these are so not appropriate interview questions.

Jacqueline Laurita and her husband Chris (who is Caroline and Dina’s brother) moved from Vegas to New Jersey which Jacqueline refers to as the “armpit of the earth.” They have a six year old son and Jacqueline also has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage. Jacqueline seems to be the peacemaker of the bunch and Dina mentions that “Jacqueline’s heart is as big as her boobies.” Dina also mentions later in the episode that she thinks Jacqueline is “obsessed with her” and tries to copy everything she does.

Teresa Giudice has been married to Joe for eight years. They are parents to three girls and are in the process of building their dream home. In the preview episode, Teresa and Joe visit a plastic surgeon for a consultation on how to make Teresa’s boobs bigger. Her husband pushes for the bigger size because “won’t they shrink?” (No, stupid, they won’t). Later, Dina points out that Teresa is the “jewelry whore” of the group. Teresa’s philosophy? Happy Wife, Happy Life (I already told Dave I’m getting me a t-shirt with that slogan on it).

Danielle Staub has the most inflammatory quote of the night: “You’re either gonna love me or hate me” which loosely translated means “the shit I pull is gonna send Bravo’s ratings through the roof.” Danielle, who has been engaged nineteen times, is now divorced and waiting for her ship to come in divorce settlement. Since the divorce, Danielle mentions she has had no financial freedom and needs that settlement soon. Hey, that sounds familiar. Sheree from The Real Housewives of Atlanta was waiting for a settlement too! Danielle seems to spend all her time working out and having phone sex with a dude she met online who goes by the handle “Gucci Model.” Say it with me, ewwwwwwww!! In the preview episode Danielle is preparing to go on a blind date with him which I thought usually came before having phone sex with someone(silly me). Also, and I didn’t quite catch this even though Dave and I hit rewind on the DVR about six times, but Teresa mentions something at the end of the episode about “Gucci model” (I think) going to Danielle’s house every day “for his, um, routine blow-job.” Um, what?

After all the housewife introductions, things really get weird and the episode ends with Teresa pushing over an entire table elaborately set with dishes and glassware. The rumors and accusations start flying and we hear words like “prostitution”, “kidnapping”, and “Columbian cartels”.

I’m off to make a paper chain like the one the offspring made when they counted down the days until Santa would arrive.

Because May 12th cannot get here soon enough!

Tuesday night’s episode opened with another meeting for Jill’s charity, Creaky Joints. The producers at Bravo decide to throw Kelly a bone instead of under the (school) bus and portray her as a saint when she pulls a bunch of high-end donations out of her ass makes several contributions to the silent auction, including a portrait session with her ex-husband, Gilles Bensimon the wrinkly old French guy top fashion photographer. Jill points out that Kelly’s behavior at the last meeting was really weird but whatever, now she’s on board with the varsity cheerleader’s car wash charity event.

Ramona showed up at the meeting and it was the first time she had seen Jill since Mario and Jill got all pissy with each other at the Page Six party. Ramona inquired as to whether the tennis match was still on and Jill agreed right away, feeling confident since Justin Gimelstob agreed to be her ace in the hole partner.

LuAnn spends some time at the Boys and Girls Club of Brooklyn. She wants to help the girls build self-esteem and a positive self image. LuAnn bores the girls silly with some drivel about how her husband, Count Chocula, built the Suez Canal and tells them before she met the Count she was just a regular old American Indian girl (feather, not dot). LuAnn asks some of the girls what they want to be when they grow up. One of the girls says she wants to be a babysitter (and LuAnn laughs). Another little girl wants to be a model and LuAnn asks her to stand up, so she can see how tall she is. The short little girl is a poster child for childhood obesity but LuAnn tells her she “has plenty of time to grow, she has a beautiful face, and dieting is easy!” LuAnn single-handedly destroys any self esteem the little girl has and Jenny Craig just got another life-long customer.

Oh, excuse me, my cell phone is ringing. Hmmmm…it’s my friend Janice in New York. I wonder why she’s calling me at this time of day. It must be pretty important.

Me: “Hey Jan, what’s up?”
Janice: “You will never guess who I was just in the elevator with!”
Me: “Oh my God, If you tell me it was one of the Real Housewives of NYC I’m going to shit!”
Janice: “I was in the elevator with Ramona Singer!”
Me: “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Janice: “I had to walk the other way when we got out of the elevator so she wouldn’t hear me call you.”
Me: “How’d she look?”
Janice: “She’s tiny.”
Me: “She’s had some work done.”
Janice: “She looks good.”

Janice did some super-sleuthing and discovered that Ramona’s office is not far from where she works so Janice is going to try to keep tabs on Ramona. Stick with me kids because thanks to Janice, my Real Housewives re-caps might include some “behind the scenes” gossip not filtered through Bravo’s fine editing process.

Jill invites Bethenny over to see her newly decorated apartment and as soon as Bethenny takes it all in she delivers the best quote of the night: “It’s like Liberace, Versace, like, la cucaracha-y.”

And those shiny tables that consist of the letters P-O-P? And another O because those things look like shit.

Kelly and Max go on a date and he tells her that, after their last date, he found sparklies all over his face from her super greasy Bonne Bell makeup. Kelly enjoys the “flirt-fest” a little longer and then grabs her Trapper Keeper and brags to all the girlfriends gathered around her locker, “Everyone wants to go to the spring prom with Max and Max wants to go with me!”

Meanwhile, Jill’s sure thing, Justin Gimelstob, made up an excuse hurt his back and can’t play in the match against Mario and Ramona. The Mean Girls Jill and Bethenny ask Simon to play in the tennis match instead.

Simon is so excited to be included in the popular girl’s clique he forgets to ask about the hazing ritual.

On the day of the big match, Ramona marks her territory by peeing all over the lobby refuses to wait inside by the tennis court which forces Simon to hide until she finally leaves. The Mean Girls do not want to miss the opportunity to use the element of surprise to their advantage.

Finally Simon arrives courtside and begins to plaster himself with terry cloth sweatbands. Ramona and Mario spoil the fun by refusing to get all jacked up about Simon being the mystery player.

Simon proceeds to play the worst tennis I’ve even seen and Alex slumps further down in her chair, counting down the minutes until she can get drunk enough to forget the whole humiliating experience.

Ramona and Mario win the match, natch. The Mean Girls thank Simon for being such a good sport but then wait for him to fall asleep so they can put his bra in the freezer and his fingers in warm water. They laugh hysterically when he pisses himself and then go back to having a pillow fight in their t-shirts and underwear.

Well, there you have it. Another satisfying episode of Saved By The Bell The Real Housewives has come to an end.

Stay tuned next week when the Housewives grow up and head off to college.

Oh, before I forget. I’m also working on a post for The Real Housewives of New Jersey preview. It’ll be done, well, sometime. Did anyone else see it? If not, I have a few teasers for you: hairless cat, strip club, blowjob.

I know!

Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City began with Ramona inviting Kelly to attend the Badgley Mischka fashion show with her. While they were waiting for the show to begin, Kelly complained to Ramona that Bethenny had insulted her during the meeting for Jill’s charity by referring to Kelly as “Madonna.” Kelly then said to Ramona, “bad manners are really, really, repulsive to me.”

Ramona, displaying a diplomatic streak I’m not used to, asked Kelly if she thought Bethenny was jealous of, or threatened by her.

“No”, Kelly replied. “That would be like me being jealous of you.” Ramona seemed as confused as I was as she tried to process the backhanded compliment/insult. Kelly continued by saying she couldn’t possibly be jealous because they “live in different worlds.”

After the show, Ramona asked Kelly’s advice for dealing with Simon and Kelly immediately launched into Dr. Phil mode, asking Ramona why she would waste so much energy worrying about her interaction with Simon.

Kelly: “You’re too much of a great girl, you have so many awesome things going on, and you have this amazing energy. Why are you wasting it?
Ramona: “You’re right, you’re right.
Kelly: “I mean you’ll just be the polite awesome girl that you are.”
Ramona: “Oh, that’s so sweet.” (They kiss)
Kelly: “I like you. I’m an awesome judge of character, that’s why this thing with Bethenny is bothering me. I want her to know there was no reason for her to be like that.”

Ramona the diplomat surprised me again by coming to Bethenny’s defense, saying that Bethenny grew up alone. Kelly replied that she didn’t care if Bethenny grew up in the woods, there was no reason for her to do what she did (because calling someone Madonna is SO FREAKING MEAN).

Next Jill and her gay husband Brad are putting the finishing touches on her apartment re-decoration project. Jill informs Bobby that they are over budget and Bobby gives Jill a creepy smile saying it’s okay (and I’m guessing Jill’s going to have to do something really icky in bed with Bobby to make up for it).

Meanwhile, in Brooklyn, Simon and Alex are conferring with one of their subcontractors. They mention that they will be hanging a huge picture of Alice Cooper, complete with snake, and the subcontractor says, “I’m glad to hear you’re edgy” but what he’s really thinking is “you’re ridiculous and one of you is gay.” Simon then tells everyone how full of information his brain is, and how good he is at juggling it and moving it around. He says, apropos of nothing, that he’s always had a brain for numbers and information and that as a child he used to read encyclopedias instead of novels.

There was a preview for The Real Housewives of New Jersey and I got so excited I peed a little when I squealed, “Dave, I can’t wait for this show to start!” (tune in on May 12th).

Next up, the Kelly/Bethenny smackdown we’d all been waiting for. I gotta say, Kelly Killoren Bensimon went off the rails on a crazy train last night.

Bethenny was such a lady during Kelly’s non-sensical tirade that I immediately felt like donning pearls and pantyhose and brewing myself a nice cup of Earl Grey tea that I would drink with my pinky sticking out.

Here’s how it went down:

Kelly thought Bethenny needed a time out so she called and requested they meet for a drink, supposedly so Kelly could scold Bethenny for calling her Madonna at the charity meeting.

Forty year old Kelly breezed in thirty minutes late in her Forever 21 Flashdance outfit, complete with pink knee-high boots. She forgot to use blotting papers on her face, again.

Kelly thanked Bethenny for meeting her and Bethenny said, “Yeah, thanks I’ve been here for almost a half hour.” Kelly replied, “Really? That’s too bad.”

Kelly goes on to tell Bethenny that she just wants to make it perfectly clear, so that they’re on the same page, that they’re not friends. She tells Bethenny her attitude is “for kids” and that “you will come up to me, I don’t go down to you.”

Bethenny replies that “I don’t do anything that you want me to do.”

At this point the axis of power starts to shift toward Bethenny and I think Kelly is starting to figure it out. She stalls for time and Bethenny asks her, “I’m waiting to hear what you invited me here to say.” Kelly informs Bethenny that she will not “indulge her in this” and explains that she is “up here” and Bethenny is “down there.” Bethenny says, “And I’m down here, why?” to which Kelly replies, “Because I won’t put up with you antics and your bullshit.”

Kelly also tells Bethenny how “embarrassed she was for her” at Jill’s charity meeting and then Bethenny gets a good one in by reminding Kelly that she was embarrassed for her because of her “arthritis is cute” comment.

They go down memory lane for a while and argue back and forth. Kelly explains how she was “so disgusted by Bethenny’s behavior” and Bethenny asked what that behavior was, and Kelly responded, “You tell me.”

When Bethenny goes to leave Kelly is still hanging out in the doorway and she tells Bethenny “you just need to chill out” to which Bethenny accurately responds “I am calm.” Kelly says, “You’re so crazy! I have to go on my date now, bye!”

Bethenny correctly summed up the whole exchange, and Kelly, as a Kel-amity!

(I am so getting me a “Team Bethenny” t-shirt. I’ve also developed a bit of a girl-crush on her after last night).

Kelly flounced off for her date with Max, the almost English-speaking sorta hot guy. Kelly proceeded to give a re-cap of her and Bethenny’s fight but it didn’t matter because I think Max only understood every third word.

Bethenny accompanied Ramona to Mario’s tennis match and has a chance to tell Ramona about what happened between her and Kelly. Ramona further amazes me by listening and then stating that “not everyone is going to like everyone.”

Kelly picked up LuAnn in a limo and they went out for the evening. Kelly gave LuAnn the rundown on what happened between her and Bethenny and the Countess defended Bethenny and subtly pointed out the rude things Kelly did like scheduling a meeting and showing up late. I kinda loved the Countess in that scene and I feel bad because I read on the Internet that Count Chocula left LuAnn for some Ethiopian gal.

Mario got into a skerfuffle with Jill about their upcoming doubles tennis match and creepy Bobby looked like he might be contemplating having someone come and break Mario’s kneecaps. Ramona and Mario then got into another skerfuffle, this time with Alex and Simon. Apparently Ramona and Mario were peeved they weren’t given the heads up before the nekkid pictures of Alex hit the newsstand. Ramona told Alex she “doesn’t believe anything you say” and Alex shot back with, “you’re rude!”

Thank God the episode ended because I couldn’t take any more fighting. I imagine Kelly’s “laying low” today but I hope Bethenny walked through the streets of New York this morning with her head held high.

Last night on The Real Housewives of NYC, we got to observe the ladies attending several fashion shows (with front row seats, natch).

The episode begins with the Countess giving Bethenny dating advice. Bethenny correctly sums up the conversation by stating that obviously no one thinks she’s ever gone out with a man before.

The Countess is really starting to sound like a know-it-all blowhard and if she was as classy as she thinks she is she never would have agreed to be on this show.

Bra-less, horsey, Kelly Killoren with the linebacker shoulders spends quality time going through a massive pile of fashion week invitations with her assistant while wearing faded cut off jeans appropriate for a twenty year old. I also desperately want to hand her blotting papers or a compact because sometimes she looks really shiny.

Did you all know Kelly is not only an editor and a columnist, she’s an author? She wrote a book about the bikini! I’m going to write a book about the trench coat this summer because apparently there is a market for this kind of literary bullshit.

Jill visits another gay man, this time an Asian designer who is “fabulous.” He’s going to dress her for fashion week and a luncheon she’s planning for her and twenty of her friends.

Jill squeezes herself into a sample size zero and dislocates her own shoulder trying to pat herself on the back. The fact that the dress can’t be zipped up doesn’t bother anyone and Jill even remarks that “Bobby should be pretty happy.” I think Bobby should be happy that he has enough money to convince a woman to marry him but that’s because I think Bobby looks like a reptile.

Alex and Simon head to the chi-chi Christopher Deane boutique, one of many thriving cutting edge design teams located in Brooklyn. Alex mentions her closet is full because she still has all her maternity clothes and then Simon announces to the world that he’s had himself neutered so if there’s any impregnating in the future, Alex is gonna have some ’splainin to do.

And by the way, Alex seriously needs to find an ass-fat donor so she can plump up her skinny lips (pick me! pick me!). Her mouth looks like it’s missing half the time and it’s starting to creep me out.

Simon and Alex attend a fashion show and on the way to their seats, Simon decides to have a “why don’t you like me summit” with Ramona who is sitting in the front row with Kelly. Although I am not a huge Ramona fan, I think she handled the exchange well, especially since bone-headed Simon picked a really inappropriate time and place to initiate the inane conversation. Ramona showed remarkable restraint by agreeing with Simon when he accused her of “blanking” him. She finally admitted that she felt Simon had no depth, which he couldn’t comprehend because he has a misguided over-inflated ego and a complete lack of self-awareness. I think Ramona could buy and sell Simon, without Mario’s help, any time she felt like it and she’s decided to declare him persona non grata. I just wish she’d make him invisible but Bravo won’t let that happen.

Alex and Simon finally sit down and Simon mentioned how delighted he is to be known as Mr. Van Kempen instead of Alex McCord’s wife. He leaned over to her and said, “I’m a man of my own right now darling.”

HahhahahahahahahohIjustpeedhahahahahahahahahastopsimonstopohmygodtoofunnyhahahahhahahahyoufoolyouareridiculousohmygodmorepeeinghahahahahhaahha.

(Peeling self off floor, changing out of pee-pee soaked pants and tapping Simon on shoulder) Actually, you’re Bravo’s bitch, ‘kay? Or, the creepiest weird man in Brooklyn. But you have not arrived anywhere and you never will dahling.

Sure, leaking those photos of your nude wife onto the Internet was a brilliant PR coup, but you’re going to have to keep appearing like a big doofus on Real Housewives if you want to prolong your fifteen minutes of fame. So far, Simon, you’re doing splendidly.

Lastly, we see all the housewives, including Kelly who was half an hour late, sitting around a table discussing Jill’s charity event “Creaky Joints” which will benefit arthritis research.

Jill said to Kelly, “I don’t know if you know this but Ally (Jill’s daughter) has arthritis so that’s why I wanted to plan this benefit.”

Kelly replied, “Oh, I didn’t know that. How cute.”

Um, what?

I now officially hate Kelly. How can you be so simultaneously clueless AND socially oblivious?

I imagine Kelly’s friends coming up to her and saying:

“Hey Kelly, I just found out my cat has feline leukemia and has mere seconds to live.”

Kelly: “Sweet!”

Or, “Kelly, my ninety year old neighbor fell and broke her hip and has to move to a nursing home.”

Kelly: “Right on!”

Kelly then got all self-righteous about her name being attached to the charity in any way and the rest of the housewives stabbed her with forks and she died.

Next week, Bethenny and Kelly elevate their catfight to a higher level and I guaran-damn-tee no one will want to miss this pissing match.

Oh, and does everyone know about Bravo’s newest franchise, The Real Housewives of New Jersey?

That one just might make me implode.

Last night was a double header of guilty-pleasure TV viewing at my house.

First we watched American Idol and Dave mentioned, like he does every single time we watch this show, how much he can’t stand Ryan Seacrest, especially his voice. Dave doesn’t like anything about Ryan and thinks he’s really short.

I don’t have a problem with Ryan but I loathe Paula Abdul and I kept yelling at the TV screen for her to “just quit talking!“ I hate her floaty, breathy, spaced out commentary and wish she’d stop drinking her pre-show vodka martini with a splash of valium. Her non-sensical communication style drives me absolutely nuts but I’ll admit my yelling at Paula, via the TV screen, is starting to get a little out of hand.

Possibly I should mention that my grandma (displaced former owner of the Buick Skylark) used to make disparaging comments to Vanna White every night at 6:30 during Wheel of Fortune so perhaps my problem is hereditary.

After American Idol, we put the offspring to bed and watched The Real Housewives of New York City attention whore their way through another episode.

And lest you think I‘m a total hypocrite, I‘d like to address a few things: A) I realize attention whoring on a reality show isn‘t that different from attention whoring on a blog (100 more things about me, anyone?).

B) I never said I was the classiest housewife in the universe.

C) If there was a possibility of a Real Housewives of Dallas County spin-off I’d camp overnight outside wherever the casting call was being held so I would be first in line to audition. Being paid to drink wine on camera and come up with snarky stuff to say about the other housewives would sorta be like me hitting the mother lode.

Last night’s episode opened with Jill planning an apartment “face lift” with her “gay husband” Brad because “you should re-do your apartment every seven years“ (Brad should not be confused with Jill’s non-gay, and kinda creepy, husband Bobby who reminds me of a crime boss with his slicked-back hair and beady eyes).

I had my own gay boyfriend my freshman year of college and thanks to my lack of a reliable gaydar, I mistakenly thought he was going to be my heterosexual boyfriend.

We’d watch TV under the covers in my dorm room bed, we exchanged Christmas gifts, and we saw the movie “White Nights” starring Mikhail Baryshnikov together. I thought we might make out someday but I finally got my head out of my ass sophomore year and realized we both liked boys.

Next on the Real Housewives were Alex and Simon discussing their Brooklyn town home renovation with an architect. They told him they wanted something other than granite because granite was “so five years ago.“ They also mentioned they might like a neon green oven. Alex told the architect she’d like built in bookshelves so Francois and Johan could grab a book by Dickens or Shakespeare whenever they felt like it.

Then, we see a shot of Alex and Simon lounging in their ten foot by three foot Wal-Mart wading pool, lamenting the fact that poor New York apartment dwellers don’t have the backyard luxuries they do. I guess Alex forgot that a lot of the poor New York apartment dwellers got the hell out of the city and are actually enjoying the beautiful swimming pools at their Hampton’s houses.

LuAnn (AKA Countess deLesseps) and Bethenny meet for lunch and LuAnn asks Bethenny if she‘ll help cook for the Hope Lodge charity event for the American Cancer Society. Bethenny agrees and, on the night of the dinner, joins LuAnn and Ramona, who has also agreed to help.

Before Ramona arrived, Bethenny told LuAnn about Social Life magazine doing a photo spread on her and selecting her to be on the cover. LuAnn, a former model, stated that the photographs would be “re-touched” which hurt Bethenny’s feelings.

While the three of them prepare dinner, Ramona gives Bethenny unsolicited dating advice and tells her to “date a bunch of men, see what you like.” LuAnn does not care for this advice and feels dating several men will give Bethenny a bad reputation.

Ramona fires back, “What do you know, you got married to a man twice your age.”

Me-ow!

The countess came unglued. She responded that Alec (AKA Count deLesseps), was fifteen years older than her and she married him when she was twenty-seven. She asked Ramona if she though Alec was an “old man” and Ramona said she thought he looked like one.

Just my two cents but I think the Countess is a wee bit defensive about their age difference because Alec does look quite a bit older than she does. If I were LuAnn, I’d be more worried about the fact that she’s the Count’s fourth wife but that’s just me.

LuAnn retaliated by telling Ramona that her husband Mario was a handsome guy but he was no spring chicken either. I think Mario’s biggest concern should be figuring out how to convince his pit bull-on- wheels wife Ramona to keep her totally tactless pie-hole shut.

Bethenny asks LuAnn to lunch and tries to explain how her feelings were hurt when LuAnn made the statement about Bethenny’s photographs needing to be re-touched. LuAnn accused Bethenny of being ultra-sensitive and Bethenny never gets the apology she is seeking.

Personally, the Countess is starting to bug me. She wrote a book on etiquette and now she thinks she can correct everyone else‘s manners even though her own are often atrocious.

So far, The Real Housewives of NYC has not disappointed. There’s just as much drama as The Real Housewives of OC but the NYC housewives have more face-to-face confrontations whereas OC is more passive-aggressive, at least until the reunion show when they all went ballistic on each other.

I think the double-header of American Idol and The Real Housewives of New York make for a relaxing Tuesday night. It’s nice to watch something that entertains you and doesn’t require you to think.

Dave and I watch Lost on Wednesday nights. That show gives us enough to think about for days.