Once again, totally fictitious answers to totally fictitious problems from totally fictitious people I don’t know because they’re make believe.

Dear Tracey,

My husband and I recently moved into a new home. The next door neighbors brought us a pie and introduced themselves. They seemed nice enough and they have children the same age as ours.

I am concerned about a few things, however. We invited them over for cocktails last weekend and it got weird toward the end of the evening.

The husband seemed to be giving me googly bedroom eyes and then he reached across me for his drink and touched my boob. He also wanted to know if I‘d show him “where the master bedroom was.“ Meanwhile, his wife had my husband cornered in the kitchen and she was trying to rub her body up and down his leg. My husband said he thinks he heard her purr. She also said she needed to take a shower because she was a “dirty, dirty girl.” I managed to cut the evening short by pretending to pass out on the couch while my husband hustled them out the door.

Before they left they invited us to their home next weekend to meet several of the families that live in the neighborhood. We don’t know what to expect and neither of us is remotely interested in becoming a swinger. My husband and I have a great relationship and he’s not interested in anyone else’s hoo-ha. There’s no way I’m getting up close and personal with my neighbor’s wiener either. How should we handle this unfortunate situation?

Signed,

We didn’t realize we were moving to Swingtown.

Dear ‘We didn’t realize we were moving to Swingtown‘,

Well, you do have quite a problem on your hands and it’s one I’ve frankly never encountered before. I had to do a little online research since I’m not personally privy to how the swinging lifestyle works.

I discovered that being disease free is very important to swingers so I have no choice but to recommend that you start a rumor in the neighborhood that you and your husband both have uncontrollable, rampant, super-herpes. It’s the only way. If either of you ever have a really gross cold sore on your lip it would go a long way toward validating this rumor. Please also mention frequently that you are allergic to latex because a die-hard swinger may not be put off by one little STD.

You also need to identify the non-swingers in your neighborhood, invite them over for drinks and dinner, and do some serious damage control. They may not totally believe you but since you aren’t going to try to have sex with them, they probably won’t care.

I believe swingers and non-swingers can peacefully co-exist. If you find that’s not the case, wait until the housing market improves, stick a for-sale sign in the yard, and move to a more normal neighborhood. You might want to do some advance research on your neighbors this time. Good luck!

Dear Tracey,

I’m a member of the PTA and I’m working on a fundraising committee with three other parents. There is one mom who is really starting to piss me off. She keeps sending elaborate e-mails with flow charts, Excel spread sheets, and summaries about everyone’s responsibilities and she has suggested “goals and benchmarks” for completing everything. I heard through the grapevine that she’s an out of work former business executive that got fired late last year, probably for being totally annoying.

The other moms and I are not her “minions” and I don’t appreciate her trying to turn this fundraiser into the social event of the year. We are supposed to be organizing a bingo game, bake sale, and a raffle so we can raise money for new library books. I’m about ready to tell her to shove her ideas about “swag” and “black tie only” up her butt. And seriously, if she asks me one more time to tell her about the dress I’m going to wear, I will throttle her. I’m wearing jeans and so is everyone else.

Signed,

Drama with another mama

Dear ‘Drama with another mama‘,

Working on a committee is never easy, especially with someone who has decided to use the fundraiser to fill the empty void created by losing her job. She is probably wishing she had an excuse to get dressed up again and hasn’t been able to get used to the fact that wearing sweats every day is perfectly acceptable.

Remind her of the common goal to raise money for books. And since it might help to make your point in a language she understands, why not put your suggestions into a nice PowerPoint presentation so she can feel like she‘s at work again.

Then, ask her to come to your house and discuss the fundraiser over margaritas. Show her that it’s OK to drink on the job when you’re not getting paid and can’t get fired. Get completely liquored up and make fun of anyone else working on the fundraiser that you don’t like. Then drunk dial her old boss and hang up when he answers (remember to *67 first, natch).

My prediction is that you’ll be BFF’s in no time and the fundraiser will be a huge success.

Dear Tracey,

My life sucks. I got fired from the insurance company where I’ve worked for ten years because the cute blonde receptionist they hired didn’t like me. Since she gives my boss a hummer every day at lunchtime, she has become the most powerful and influential employee in our department and she got me canned.

Then my boyfriend Jason broke up with me because he’s in love with some whore named Terry. I ran into Jason and Terry the other day when I stopped at Kum and Go for a bottle of wine and a Slim Jim. Terry has a fucking Adam’s apple and a five o’clock shadow and was holding Jason‘s hand. Terry is way better groomed than me and acted like he’d never seen someone at Kum and Go in pink flannel pajama pants, purple Crocs, and yesterday‘s underwear.

I’ve also gained some weight so in an effort to lose a few pounds I started taking Alli, the over the counter weight loss drug that Wynona Judd recommended. I had one ill timed cheeseburger from Sonic and crapped my pants in the car on my first date with a hot guy I met on Match.com. Now he’s got a big orange stain on the upholstery of his passenger seat and I‘m (surprise!) still fucking single.

Lastly, I had to spend money I don’t have to sign up on eharmony.com because word’s gotten around at Match.com that I’m a “shitter. “

Signed,

Should I just hang myself?

Dear ‘Should I just hang myself‘,

When life hands you lemons, grab a cocktail shaker, sugar, and vodka and make yourself a lemon drop martini as big as your head. Consume. Repeat. Consume. Repeat.

And seriously, wouldn’t you rather know you and Jason both liked boys sooner, rather than later?

I know jobs are scarce in this economy but try to look at your recent firing as a good thing. Treat this as an opportunity to switch careers and only accept offers from companies with ugly receptionists.

As for Alli, taking a drug that makes greasy orange poop leak out your bunghole is never a smart move. Please listen to me and not that washed up fat country singer Wynona Judd, and stop taking it immediately.

Trust me, things can only get better. Good luck to you!

*****Do you have a problem you’d like my help with? If so, leave it in the comments section of this blog post and I’ll make up an answer for you. Remember, no question is too outrageous or inappropriate for me to handle. Just make something up. I do it all the time.

Dear Tracey,

I desperately want to have another baby but my husband feels that having only one child is perfect for our family. Now that our son is three, I can’t stop looking at pregnant women and wishing I was one of them. I’ve tried everything I can think of to convince him but he still says no. I don’t want to trick him into another baby but I’ll do whatever it takes to get what I want.

Signed,

One is not enough

Dear one is not enough,

I’m sorry to hear that you and your husband cannot agree on what is a very important decision between a husband and wife.

I don’t usually make such drastic recommendations but I can tell from your letter that you are 100% serious about reaching your goal of becoming a mom of two.

If you’re truly as desperate as you say, I suggest you offer your husband a no strings attached three way with you and the hot 20 year old teacher’s aide at your son’s pre-school, in exchange for another baby (if you can manage to be ovulating when it happens it could be win-win for everyone.)

Make sure you set careful parameters and verify that everyone involved knows this is a one time thing. You’ll also want to be very, very drunk. If you’re lucky, you’ll black out and forget the whole thing.

Just be careful if you go this route. I gave this advice to another mommy and even though she was not desperate enough for a three way, she now has a live in au pair from Sweden named Annika (who has the biggest rack you’ve ever seen). Luckily she is too busy breast feeding her newborn to care.

Good luck!

Dear Tracey,

I’m a stay at home mom tired of living within my means. All the other housewives drive nicer cars, have designer handbags, and spend their days shopping at the mall. I’m lucky if I can afford something from the sale rack at Old Navy.

I can’t even take comfort in the fact that I’m a good saver because our country’s current economic crisis has my IRA and stock portfolio in the shitter. What can I do to make myself feel a little better without spending money I don‘t have?

Signed,

Unable to keep up with the Jones’

Dear unable to keep up with the Jones’,

Don’t sweat it. Just because your neighbors appear to have everything you covet does not necessarily mean it’s all paid for. They may be in debt up to their eyeballs and so cash poor they can’t buy a stick of gum unless the visa logo is prominently displayed at the cash register.

There is nothing wrong with Old Navy. Target also has some pretty nice stuff on the cheap. In the meantime, I suggest you find something to sell. One of my friends sold her husband’s golf clubs on EBay and bought several new outfits, some shoes, and a handbag at Dillard’s. She told him the clubs were stolen when he came home drunk and forgot to close the garage door.

Does your husband golf or participate in any hobbies that require expensive equipment? Go look.

Until then, keep it real and keep using cash.

Dear Tracey,

My neighbor is constantly talking about how brilliant her kids are. According to her, they are bilingual Einsteins who do logarithms in their spare time (Francois is 18 months and Siegfried is 4 so I know she is full of shit). Children possess many gifts and I’m tired of her acting like I.Q. is the only thing that matters.

It’s true our son still cannot pronounce all his consonants (he’s 10). He’s a sweet child, and a friend to all, but he’s not the brightest crayon in the box. We love him and want what’s best for him and I don’t appreciate my neighbor implying that he’s a lost cause or her suggestion that I home school him because “he can’t possibly be mainstreamed.”

I hate her and I need to know how I should handle this situation.

Signed,

He’s not that stupid

Dear he’s not that stupid,

Your neighbor sounds like a real C. U. Next Tuesday. I’m sorry you are dealing with this situation. You sound like a very caring mom and I’ll try to help you.

The first thing you need to do is scour the elementary school parking lot for one of those “parents of an honor roll student” bumper stickers. Scrape it off and slap it on your car. Then start doing your son’s homework and see if you can proctor his tests at home. Make sure to show your neighbor his next report card.

Next, you need to uncover something your son is really good at. Can he play a musical instrument? If he’s in a successful rock band someday I bet he’ll pay you back for believing in him by buying you a mansion.

Is he good at sports? Dumb jocks have laughed all the way to the bank after being signed to the NBA or the NFL so if he shows some promise in this area, I think you should be very supportive. Since you’re already doing his homework he’ll have plenty of extra time to go to practice.

And remember, it doesn’t matter how smart your neighbor’s kids are because they’re going to get their asses handed to them on a daily basis because of their fucked up names. Everything will work out in the long run, I promise.

Tune in next week when I dole out more sage advice to people who haven’t figured out I am full of shit.