I heard on the news (OK, fine, I read it on People.com) that Rihanna is back together with Chris Brown.

Really Rihanna? Seriously?

I’m amazed that someone as beautiful and talented as Rihanna would even consider taking back an abusive boyfriend. What is it that Chris Brown has, that makes her want to return to a relationship with him? Do you think Rihanna is telling her family something like “I know he knocked me around a little, but he told me he‘d never do it again and he makes the best ham and cheese omelettes I’ve ever tasted!” And what the hell is Sean “diddy-I’ll have a different stupid name next year-” Combs doing facilitating this dysfunctional reconciliation by having Rihanna and Chris as his house guests?

Okay, I understand wanting to give someone the benefit of the doubt. I believe in second chances, sometimes, and I don’t think holding a grudge is healthy or productive.

We all have to decide which relationships are worth fighting for and which ones we need to jettison. We’ve all had relationships we thought were over but discovered are really salvageable. Maybe we were too harsh, or too quick to judge. Maybe the grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence.

And Rihanna? Chris Brown can come home from the bar stinking drunk and you can forgive him. Chris Brown can come home stinking drunk from the bar and activate the home security system on your mansion because he can‘t remember the code and you can forgive him. Chris Brown can come home from the bar stinking drunk, activate the home security system on your mansion because he can‘t remember the code, and then pee in your bed after he passes out in it, and you can forgive him.

And you can actually forgive Chris Brown for beating the shit out of you. What’s not very smart is for you to get back together with him.

I don’t have any first hand experience with domestic violence and I‘ve never walked a mile in Rihanna‘s high-heeled shoes. I can’t say, without a doubt, that Chris Brown will hit Rihanna again. However, I do wholeheartedly believe in the axiom that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

If you’re going to give a relationship a second chance, make sure it’s a safe one. (Whisper) Like, maybe a relationship with the guy who used to do your nails.

What? Oh that. I’ve just been wondering if maybe I made a hasty decision. Maybe my Top Nails boyfriend wasn’t so bad after all. He certainly never whacked me in the head while he was doing my nails. His hands, though clammy, have always been very gentle.

And lately I’ve been thinking about him. I remember his goofy little smile. I can picture him bundled up in his striped woolen sweater. And even though I went on and on about the new girl at Elegant Nails, I think my Top Nails boyfriend makes prettier shaped fingernails. Maybe Top Nails would turn the television channel to E! so I wouldn’t have to be tortured by One Life to Live.

And it wouldn’t kill me to Rosetta Stone myself up a little by learning a second language. With all the effing around I do on the computer might it be possible to use Google to learn how to say a few Mandarin pleasantries like “nice job” and “how are you doing today?” while I’m mastering the rest of the language? It’s not like my Top Nails boyfriend and I got divorced. We’re “on a break” so the door is still open for me to return if I feel like it. I don’t have to decide anything until next week, which is when my fingernails will start to look kinda scary, and in dire need of a fill.

Anyway, I understand how a woman might want to return to a relationship that, at one time, seemed to be going well. How, after a period of reflection, and a little distance, you can re-evaluate your feelings and maybe give someone another chance.

But back to you Rihanna. I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to return to someone who hit you. Ditch that loser; you don’t need him for anything. And Chris? Pull your pants up, you look like a fucktard. Gangsta’ chic is almost as ridiculous as those silly pants MC Hammer used to wear. You’re about as gansta’ as I am so knock it off. And quit hitting women.

In the words of Kenny Rogers, You gotta know when to walk away, know when to run. And Rihanna sweetie, you need to run. I think a continued relationship with Chris Brown is a big gamble. But of course you aren’t going to listen to me. Good luck girlfriend.