Remember in college when you used to go to the bar and they had dime draws or ladies night or some other special and you would drink so much cheap beer you’d puke your guts out in the bathroom and one of your friends would be in charge of cleaning you up and making sure you got home okay?

Substitute Trish and Kristi for you, martinis for beer, and my couch with its light colored Pottery Barn slipcover that I just washed two weeks ago for a toilet, and you have a good idea of what went down here last night.

Trish and Kristi started out at Dragon House because really, who doesn’t want to have a drink in the bar of a run down Chinese restaurant on a Saturday afternoon. They called me to ask if I thought Kristi would be okay if she had a martini even though she’d already had 3 beers. I generously gave her the go ahead because I figured who cares? Certainly this decision will have no effect on me. And she had already ordered the martini and was actually drinking it when she called to ask my opinion so I guess she just wanted some reassurance that her decision was a good one.

When they showed up at my house an hour later I quickly realized we were at opposite ends of the sobriety spectrum. They were also completely annoying. I know I promised not to fight with Trish in 2009 but she started driving me crazy the minute she walked in the door because she was being sofa king LOUD and OBNOXIOUS I could hardly stand her. Kristi insisted on doing a bunch of handstands in the kitchen and I was afraid she was going to hit one of the pendant lights that hang over my island because her legs were kind of flailing everywhere.

Dave segregated Kristi, Trish, and I down in the basement. I made cosmopolitans but took Kristi’s away and gave her a Miller Lite when I realized how shitfaced she was. It was all in vain though because 10 minutes later I got to see the entire contents of Kristi’s stomach splashed all over my couch and rug.

Trish and I got her cleaned up a little and they decided to go home. Luckily Kristi lives right around the corner and she and Trish headed back to her place. Dave and I spent some quality time with various cleaning products but I think we got it all taken care of.

Next time I’m going to remember that everyone needs to start drinking at the same time. They had way too much of a head start and when they left, I was just starting to feel a cosmo buzz. Kristi and Trish always have a good time when they’re together and they are too entertaining for me to stay away from them for long. But next time they’re going to be doing the cleaning.