Dudes, Louis From Interview With The Vampire Totally Works In My Building

  • May 19, 2011

As some of you know, I work as a contract human resources recruiter for a large mortgage company here in Des Moines (I won’t mention the name but it rhymes with Bells Cargo). My work bff Tami and I usually saunter down to the employee cafeteria in the morning for breakfast and gossip and one day a few months ago we were dumbstruck when we saw Louis from Interview With The Vampire standing in line to get an omelet. Or some o-neg. Whatever. It’s not important. And I mean Louis as portrayed by Brad Pitt because Louis is totally a fictional character and doesn’t actually exist. Anyway, when we spotted him we stood there with our mouths hanging open for a good thirty seconds. We might have also elbowed each other.

I tried, unsuccessfully, to snap a picture of him with my BlackBerry but the zoom function does not work for crap and I couldn’t get close enough without, you know, drawing attention to myself and making him think I was a complete whackadoodle. Which I’m not.

This is what he looks like: Long, blonde hair – sometimes in a ponytail, sometimes down – stubble (just the right amount), and sexy vampire-type eyes. He might also be wearing eyeliner but I try not to stare into his eyes in case he tries to glamour me. And he’s really skinny. Like I could not get one of my thighs in his jeans if someone was pointing a gun at my head. This does not detract from his looks, I’m simply pointing out that he’s tall but very, very lean. Also? He can be wearing anything from a blinged-out hoodie with skinny jeans or a pinstriped, three piece suit from the 19th century (three piece as in vest included). Seriously. And every single woman in the cafeteria is checking. him. out.

But the other day he wore something that I almost couldn’t comprehend and how he came up with this wardrobe choice I’ll never know. Maybe he woke up and thought, hmmmm…..I work at a large mortgage company in Iowa. What should I wear today? Oh, I know! My long, black, fur coat and a fedora (tipped at a jaunty angle, natch). Chicks! Will! Stare!

That’s about as silly as me showing up somewhere in a *poncho, beret, and feather boa, but somehow he pulled it off.

What’s even more entertaining is watching women strike up a conversation with him. Sometimes Tami and I like to watch girls fall all over themselves trying to engage him. And by watch I mean totally eavesdrop which is how I know he bought the fur coat in Greece.

So. I just wanted to tell you all about the guy Tami and I refer to as vampire boy or VB for short. People have a tendency to think Iowans have no sense of style and that we walk around in bullshit denim overalls with corn in our hair.

But let me tell you, there’s a dude in Des Moines that can rock vampire chic like nobody’s business.

*Unless I’ve been drinking and then it makes total sense. Stylish! Unique! Quirky! (but in a good way).

P.S. I apologize for the plethora of exclamation points. I don’t know what came over me.

P.P.S. I also wanted to use the word plethora because it’s a great word and I haven’t used it in a while.

Help Me Decide Who Would Be a Better Vampire Boyfriend, Bill Compton or Edward Cullen

  • August 6, 2009

Recently I went to Target to buy a bunch of shit we don’t really need and I threw season 1 of HBO’s True Blood into my cart. I’ve read all nine of the Southern Vampire Mysteries by Charlaine Harris, upon which the HBO show is based, and since we don’t have HBO, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the DVD’s release.

Dave and I started watching the series last week. He’s kind of mad at me because I accidentally blurted out who the killer was when we were only three episodes in (hint: it’s not a vampire). Sometimes I have Tourette’s with secrets and I couldn’t help it. Anyway, we are enjoying True Blood but I am disappointed at how unattractive the main character, vampire Bill Compton, looks on screen sometimes.

Part of my fascination with Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series, both the books and the movie, is that Edward Cullen is so fucking hot (even though technically he’s ice cold because he’s dead). Edward is so gorgeous that I just want to stare at him without blinking until my eyes cross but Bill Compton looks all swarthy and ungroomed but I think HBO is trying to make him look all brooding and deep and stuff. But if the producers of True Blood want my opinion (and hello? why wouldn’t they) I would tell them that they can drive their ratings through the roof by making Bill Compton look way more gorgeous because even though a vampire could kill me on a dime I’m willing to overlook that if the vampire is super hot. Like Edward Cullen.

Exhibit A:

I have no desire to bone Bill Compton when I see this picture.

Might bone if I was drunk.

Would definitely bone, regardless of blood alcohol level.

Would bone all day and night.

I’m still confused about who would make the better vampire boyfriend because I am not shallow enough to make this decision based solely on physical attributes. I find, in these situations, it’s best to simply pro and con it out.

Pros: Bill Compton

1) Closer to my age so I would not be seen as slutty cougar type, rawr!
2) I could bring him home to meet my dad and I’m confident dad would be totally oblivious to the fact that Bill is an old, dead vampire.
3) Strong enough to lift me no matter how much weight I gain eating crack dip.
4) Bill would spend all day in his coffin thus leaving me free to do whatever I wanted, i.e. shopping with the girls, manicures, etc…
5) As vampires don’t eat food and/or have digestive systems, I imagine Bill would not fart in bed and hold my head under the covers.

Cons: Bill Compton

1) Technically dead.
2) Would not be able to eat crack dip with me.
3) Could accidentally kill me.
4) Could kill me on purpose.
5) Cold rock hard body could make post-lovemaking snuggling problematic.

Pros: Edward Cullen

1) Gorgeous, sexy, fast, strong, beautiful, rich, vampire.
2) See item #1.
3) See item #1.
4) See item #1.
5) See item #1 infinity.

Cons: Edward Cullen

1) Way prettier than me so no one would ever notice I was standing there. Would be like invisible girlfriend.
2) Even though Edward has been around for 107 years, he is technically seventeen which means I would look like a total cougar (rawr!).
3) Is not bothered by sunlight and might start to bug me if he hung around 24/7.
4) Might not agree to have sex with me unless we were married first.
5) Can be a bit of a controlling jackass, especially if I wanted to have a beer with one of the werewolves of London.

Now I’m more confused than ever. I mean, they both have their good points, and their bad points. It’s clear I’m going to have to do more research and possibly set up a spread sheet to help me make my final decision.

Last night, Dave was on the computer for a while (hijacking my Facebook page, again).

Dave: “Gah! Why is our screen saver a picture of that vampire?”
Me: “Do.Not.Remove.My.Boyfriend.Edward.”

So, has anyone else wondered who would make the better vampire boyfriend? No? Just me again.

Okay, maybe no one else has wasted taken the time to ponder this very important issue and provide compelling reasons for, or against, Bill or Edward. But I have.

You’re welcome.

Would you bite me, Edward Cullen?

  • December 31, 2008

I’ve got it bad for the vamps. I wish they were real. They’re gorgeous. And strong. And fast. A vampire is the ultimate bad boy. Yes, technically one could snap my neck like a twig or drain me of all my blood but those are just RANDOM DETAILS I’m not concerned with. Because lately I find vampires simply irresistible.

I didn’t lose my mind overnight and decide to lust after undead make believe men. It started when I read all four books in Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series. I also saw the Twilight movie last month with Amy. Then I moved on to The Southern Vampire Mysteries by Charlaine Harris (I’m on book eight). The HBO show True Blood is based on this series. We dropped HBO after Sex and The City ended but I think we might need to add it back.

First: Twilight. It’s a book about Bella and Edward, who attend high school together in Forks, Washington. Bella is the new girl, having just moved from Arizona, and Edward is a vampire. They slowly fall in love and Stephenie Meyer does an incredible job of building tension between Edward and Bella. Lot’s of tension. Smoking hot 41-year-old housewife caliber tension. Seriously, by the time I finished the first book I was ready to combust. I wasn’t really lusting after Edward, per se. He’s 17. I’m 41. We’re both in our sexual prime so we’d probably be quite compatible but I find that kind of creepy (to clarify – I only find the age difference creepy. I’m obviously okay with the vampire part).

I really loved this book series even though I wasn’t expecting to. Stephenie Meyer has managed to create a believable love story between two people that shouldn’t be together in the first place. That which is forbidden has a really strong attraction.

When I was done reading all the Twilight books, I moved on to Charlaine Harris’ Southern Vampire Mysteries. Finally, vamps closer to my own age. It’s much easier to lust after a vampire when he is not actually in high school. This series is about a telepathic barmaid named Sookie Stackhouse. She is an attractive, but quiet, young woman and she begins dating Bill the vampire after he walks into the bar where she works. She was a virgin but now she and Bill do it all the time. Then she and Bill broke up and she started doing it all the time with Eric the vampire. Now she’s getting ready to do it with a couple other vampires and I’m wondering if Sookie’s becoming a slut or she just can’t get enough. Either way, my infatuation with vampires does not show any sign of going away in the near future.

I think if I can actually find a real vampire I should be allowed to have my way with him if only to see for myself what all the fuss is about. And Dave? It’s a real shame you told me you never read my blog anymore because if you had read this post you wouldn’t be so blindsided when I tell you about my vampire lover. If you want to try and snare one of the Victoria’s Secret models you have my blessing. I am totally equal opportunity, especially when it comes to THINGS THAT DON’T HAVE A CHANCE IN HELL OF HAPPENING TO EITHER OF US.

Meanwhile, I’ll keep searching for the vampires. Maybe the werewolves of London know where they hang out and will point me in the right direction. Because I really need to know if the vamps are worth the hype.

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