Help Me Decide Who Would Be a Better Vampire Boyfriend, Bill Compton or Edward Cullen

Recently I went to Target to buy a bunch of shit we don’t really need and I threw season 1 of HBO’s True Blood into my cart. I’ve read all nine of the Southern Vampire Mysteries by Charlaine Harris, upon which the HBO show is based, and since we don’t have HBO, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the DVD’s release.

Dave and I started watching the series last week. He’s kind of mad at me because I accidentally blurted out who the killer was when we were only three episodes in (hint: it’s not a vampire). Sometimes I have Tourette’s with secrets and I couldn’t help it. Anyway, we are enjoying True Blood but I am disappointed at how unattractive the main character, vampire Bill Compton, looks on screen sometimes.

Part of my fascination with Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series, both the books and the movie, is that Edward Cullen is so fucking hot (even though technically he’s ice cold because he’s dead). Edward is so gorgeous that I just want to stare at him without blinking until my eyes cross but Bill Compton looks all swarthy and ungroomed but I think HBO is trying to make him look all brooding and deep and stuff. But if the producers of True Blood want my opinion (and hello? why wouldn’t they) I would tell them that they can drive their ratings through the roof by making Bill Compton look way more gorgeous because even though a vampire could kill me on a dime I’m willing to overlook that if the vampire is super hot. Like Edward Cullen.

Exhibit A:

I have no desire to bone Bill Compton when I see this picture.

Might bone if I was drunk.

Would definitely bone, regardless of blood alcohol level.

Would bone all day and night.

I’m still confused about who would make the better vampire boyfriend because I am not shallow enough to make this decision based solely on physical attributes. I find, in these situations, it’s best to simply pro and con it out.

Pros: Bill Compton

1) Closer to my age so I would not be seen as slutty cougar type, rawr!
2) I could bring him home to meet my dad and I’m confident dad would be totally oblivious to the fact that Bill is an old, dead vampire.
3) Strong enough to lift me no matter how much weight I gain eating crack dip.
4) Bill would spend all day in his coffin thus leaving me free to do whatever I wanted, i.e. shopping with the girls, manicures, etc…
5) As vampires don’t eat food and/or have digestive systems, I imagine Bill would not fart in bed and hold my head under the covers.

Cons: Bill Compton

1) Technically dead.
2) Would not be able to eat crack dip with me.
3) Could accidentally kill me.
4) Could kill me on purpose.
5) Cold rock hard body could make post-lovemaking snuggling problematic.

Pros: Edward Cullen

1) Gorgeous, sexy, fast, strong, beautiful, rich, vampire.
2) See item #1.
3) See item #1.
4) See item #1.
5) See item #1 infinity.

Cons: Edward Cullen

1) Way prettier than me so no one would ever notice I was standing there. Would be like invisible girlfriend.
2) Even though Edward has been around for 107 years, he is technically seventeen which means I would look like a total cougar (rawr!).
3) Is not bothered by sunlight and might start to bug me if he hung around 24/7.
4) Might not agree to have sex with me unless we were married first.
5) Can be a bit of a controlling jackass, especially if I wanted to have a beer with one of the werewolves of London.

Now I’m more confused than ever. I mean, they both have their good points, and their bad points. It’s clear I’m going to have to do more research and possibly set up a spread sheet to help me make my final decision.

Last night, Dave was on the computer for a while (hijacking my Facebook page, again).

Dave: “Gah! Why is our screen saver a picture of that vampire?”
Me: “Do.Not.Remove.My.Boyfriend.Edward.”

So, has anyone else wondered who would make the better vampire boyfriend? No? Just me again.

Okay, maybe no one else has wasted taken the time to ponder this very important issue and provide compelling reasons for, or against, Bill or Edward. But I have.

You’re welcome.