Questions I’d Like to Ask the Producers at Bravo
You all know I love watching the Real Housewives on Bravo, right? I’m totally a fan and I love to hit play on the DVR just so I can see what those ladies have been up to. But as I watch the show, especially the latest installment (Real Housewives of NJ), I can’t help but think of a few questions I’d like the Bravo producers to answer.
1. Exactly how many people will I have to sleep with to secure a spot on The Real Housewives of Dallas County (because seriously, would an Iowa installment be a total hoot or what?) I am comfortable sleeping with two Executive Producers, the head of casting, and maybe someone from craft services. But that’s where I draw the line because I’m married.
2. Does at least one housewife per season need to have some kind of cosmetic procedure on camera? If so, I have been planning on having the twins hoisted but will gladly wait and have this done on a future episode. I don’t care what you show, I just want new boobies and I want Bravo to pay for them.
3. In The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Bobblehead Kim with the bad weave is seen driving off in her convertible with a glass of chardonnay. If, on The Real Housewives of Dallas County, I decide to take my Ford Explorer for a spin around the ‘hood, and I have a cosmopolitan between my legs, will Bravo post bail if I’m busted for DUI or am I “on my own.”
4. Speaking of weaves, I have noticed that Theresa Guidice’s hair also looks like a bad weave/wig. And have you noticed that she and Fergie have the same exact forehead (or lack thereof, actually). If Theresa is in fact wearing a wig, do you ever worry that it’s on too tight and could explode off her head at any time and then land on the ground like a big scary black tarantula? Or is that just me?
5. I was slightly taken aback when Theresa Guidice of The Real Housewives of NJ said “blowjob” in a recent episode. I expect this from Samantha on Sex and The City but that’s HBO and you, Bravo, are no HBO (but you are my favorite network, yay!). Does the FCC not care what the Real Housewives say on the air? This could be a real bonus for me as I have the worst potty mouth you’ve ever heard. Anyway, please explain the blowjob loophole. Also? Lately douchebag has become my favorite word. Can you say douchebag on TV? Thanks in advance.
6. Why in God’s name would you send Theresa Guidice to that furniture store and have her buy all that stuff with a big stack of cash? Do you not realize that every single juvenile delinquent in Jersey now has plans to “roll” her when they see her walking down the street after dark? And then I read in People magazine that all the cash Theresa walks around with is fake. That’s absurd. Why would you talk Theresa into doing something like that? She has three little girls and another baby on the way. Do you want her to get mugged just so you can promote the stereotype that wives of mafia dudes only carry cash?
7. Why does Bethanny Frankel get to constantly promote her skinny girl margaritas when the recipe is not original and is in fact right on the back of the cointreau bottle? You don’t see me running around the ‘hood promoting tipsy housewife cosmos now, do you? Yet my recipe for them is exactly the same as the one on the cointreau bottle, too. Is it just that easy to start up a brand? Do the Cointreau people not care? Am I the only one who has made this astute connection?
8. I recently ordered a Happy Wife Happy Life T-shirt from Theresa Guidice’s web site (and a blinged out pink baseball cap with the same slogan – I am stylin’!). But, the shirt had a tear down the seam when it arrived so can you tell Theresa the workmanship at her sweat shop is “sub par” and also let her know I’m going to be contacting her to exchange the shirt.
9. Though this post is Theresa Guidice-centric, she is not actually my favorite housewife (although I like her just fine even though her T-shirts are crap). My favorite housewife from OC is Vicki or Jeana, my favorite from NY is Jill, and my favorite from NJ is Jacqueline (I don’t like any of the Atlanta housewives because they are all whiny, gold-digging whores). Who is your favorite housewife and why? Who is the biggest pain in the ass? Who drives your ratings through the roof? Is it Danielle from NJ? I bet it is.
10. And finally, have any of the Real Housewives developed rampant alcoholism due to drinking all the time on your show? And do you think Lynne from OC smokes a lot of pot since she’s really spacey and didn’t know if her home had air conditioning in that one episode? I read that Vicki and Jeana were taking some kind of supplement to try to lose weight but do you think they might actually be dabbling in meth? As I mentioned previously, they are my favorite OC housewives so I hope not.
Anyway Bravo, if you get a minute, maybe you can write me back with the answers to my questions.
Thanks in advance,
Tracey (Bravo’s biggest fan!)
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I have to say my favorite HW’s are Jill from NYC and Jeana from OC. I can’t stomach the HW from NJ….and Altlant’s HW, I like to watch train wrecks in action.
Am so totally giggling over this post! My dirty little secret is that I sometimes get sucked into HW on Bravo. I couldn’t stomach the Atlanta ‘hos, and the NYC girls are just too snobby. But! The NJ set and the OC gals are funny as hell. OMG – they are so catty and backstabbing. And do NOT be rude to a NJ Housewife because she will CUT A BITCH, now. OH! One of my NJ girlfriends has the scoop on the NJ housewife set…apparently all of their hemming and hawing and angry finger points over being “connected” with da mob, and “it’s not true” “do not blacken my family name” blah blah blah was all show, baby. BECAUSE THEY MOST CERTAINLY ARE CONNECTED. Or so says a friend of a friend who knows a lawyer that works for the Brownstone. Oh yes they are connected. I mean, if you can’t trust a friend of a friend of a lawyer that works for them, who CAN you trust, I ask you?
This is TOO funny…and so true. I live in Atlanta and incidentally, NONE of those women actually live in the city… they live in Duluth and Doraville. I guess that doesn’t sound as sassy.
I read this at work during the week and had to cover my mouth because I was laughing so hard. YOU KILL ME!!!! And I totally want A Happy Wife Happy Life T-Shirt and Hat.
And I am tweeting this brilliant post because more people must see the sparkle that lives here.
p.s. And thank you to That One Girl, who led me here from her site!
This post had me giggling hysterically…. Theresa seemed like she was as dumb as a bag of hammers, but I absolutely LOVED this episode.
And I can’t believe you’d sleep with someone from CRAFT SERVICES!! Never go lower than an AD. 😉
Shut up! Oh man, I AM jealous. If one of the Real Housewives was sitting near me I’d be talking their ear off the whole time (and they’d probably call security on me but whatever).
Thanks for your comment – it’s awesome to receive feedback, especially about a post I loved writing.
So, was Vicki drinking? Was there any woo-hoo’ing. Was she alone? God, I will never get to see any of those housewives here in Iowa. Dammit.
This post was awesome! Why are there no comments?!?! Don’t be shy peeps.
Okay, you are going to be SOOO jealous of me.
Umm, ready?
Vicki from OC was sitting right in front of me on the plane ride from DEN to LAX. That makes us like best friends.
Don’t tell her though, she doesn’t know we are bf’s. I’ll surprise her later. Everyone loves surprises, right???