Dave and I are going to Tom and Amy’s lake house tomorrow, for the whole weekend, without the offspring. We managed to coerce, beg, convince my brother and sister-in-law to come to our house and take care of our dog and kids while we are gone (and we will be leaving big, black skid marks in the driveway as we get the hell out of dodge, people).

I can’t wait. We are going to be celebrating Dave’s birthday at the lake house and I’m packing so much liquor the bottles are going to be clank-clanking as we roll down the highway. I’m also making a double batch of crack dip even though I only have one more pair of shorts I can fit into and if I grow out of them over the weekend, I will have to shop for all new clothes next week but whatever.

Anyway, I thought I’d better finish and post the entry I started last month about our Fourth of July weekend at Tom and Amy’s lake house because I am all about chronological order. Sort of.

Probably no one cares what I did on July 4th but here it is anyway.

We spent the holiday weekend with Tom and Amy at their house on Twin Lakes. I told Amy we’d be there by twelve thirty but that was a lie because at noon, we hadn’t even left Des Moines (and you may have noticed I totally blew off Flashback Friday that day). Although we started packing at 7:00 AM, it still took us approximately six hours to pile all our crap so high in the back of the Explorer that Dave couldn’t even see out the back window. Must.Get.Better.System.

I might be slightly to blame for some of the delay in getting out of town. I tend to overpack and include things like sundresses and strapless bras. I don’t know why I bother because the reality is I spent the whole weekend schlepping around in either a wet swimsuit, shorts, or an Iowa Cubs t-shirt and grey polo sweat shirt.

We also had to drop off Chloe at the place we were boarding her. I had a slight nervous breakdown leaving my puppy behind. But I might not have to deal with my pet separation anxiety issues ever again because the people at the pet boarding place told us that Chloe has some “aggression” issues and “doesn’t play well with others.” Because of her behavior she was not allowed to participate in all aspects of the doggy daycare curriculum (um, like snacks and crafts? I mean, what are we talking here?). Apparently Dave and I are going to have to find another option for Chloe if we ever hope to take a vacation again.

Once we got on the road out of town we noticed that even though it was bright and sunny in Des Moines, the closer we got to our destination the cloudier the sky became. And Dave was in a big snit because he thought he’d try a new route to the lake and it was taking a really long time for us to get there because it was mostly two lane roads and we got behind no fewer than three cars who refused to go faster than 49 miles per hour. Plus, one time we got stuck following some sort of farm machinery thing (combine?). The offspring had started asking “when are we gonna be there” at thirty second intervals. My husband, who is usually calm and even tempered realized that the route he’s chosen sucks and he started to get pretty fucking snippy with me.

He compensated for our slow progress by putting the pedal to the metal. We got pulled over by the highway patrol approximately fourteen seconds later and Dave was busted for going seventy-nine miles an hour. I started to text something snarky to Amy and Dave said, “I bet you’re texting some sort of funny and clever remark to Amy right now, aren’t you?”

“No!” I said (Gah! Yes, totally). I hit the clr button on my phone and erased everything I just wrote. By the time Dave got his ticket and a warning to slow down, his eyes had turned demon red and I swear I could see smoke coming out of his ears. It did not help when the offspring started yelling “I can’t wait to tell everyone that dad just got a ticket.”

We finally got to the lake (it was raining a little by then) and unloaded our enormous amount of shit. Dave took a little walk by himself and when he returned we sent Tom and Dave to the store. They went to a bar first which was an excellent idea as Dave returned in a much better mood. The rain stopped so we were able to grill our dinner, light a crapload of sparklers, and make s’mores.

The fireworks at the lake were scheduled for Friday night so at dusk we all piled into the pontoon and headed out.

Shortly after the fireworks display ended, we headed back to the house in the pouring rain. We all changed into dry clothes and went to bed.

Tom’s sister in law Rita woke us up the next morning by knocking on the sliding glass door around 9:00 AM. We were participating in the fourth of July boat parade contest and we needed to get the boat decorated and be at Muddy Bay by 10:30. The theme for the contest was Around The World and we put the kids to work hanging up flags from different countries all around the outside edge of the boat. We also had globe beach balls, signs, and everyone wore a costume. We had an assortment of hats including viking, German Oktoberfest, and Irish, plus sombreros. We boated down to Muddy Bay in gale force winds and pouring rain (sleet?).

Because of the weather, there was not a huge turnout for the boat parade and we figured our odds of winning the contest just shot up due to lack of participants.

There was one other boat that looked like it might be a contender. It was a pirate ship complete with skull flags and a cannon. The captain of the boat fired the cannon every five minutes or so and I thought it was kinda cute the first time but by the time Johnny Depp had fired it fifty five thousand times I just got annoyed. Plus everybody jumped whenever we heard it because it was so loud.

Here I am representing Mexico in my sombrero and Mexican blanket thingy (which is the only reason, quite frankly, that my core body temperature did not plunge to hypothermic levels).

The boat parade finally ended and we headed back to the house to put on dry clothes and warm up. The kid’s lips were blue by the time Tom motored the pontoon boat back into the lift.

We spent the rest of the day inside, reading and playing games and trying not to get in each other’s way. It rained continuously.

Finally, at around 5:00 PM, we headed out for dinner at a local restaurant. This was an excellent idea because it got us all out of the house and gave us something to do (which basically meant consuming lots of wine with dinner). We also asked the hostess to seat the kids at a different table. We could see them, but we couldn’t hear them. We ordered drinks and had a great dinner.

We headed back to the house and were happy to see that the rain had stopped and the sky was starting to get blue. Matthew fished, the rest of the kids played, and the adults sat on the patio.

Later, Amy stayed back at the house with the kids and Dave, Tom, and I took the boat out for a ride. We drank beer, listened to the radio, and Dave drunk dialed and texted everyone in his Blackberry.

We headed home on Monday morning, tired, mosquito bitten, sunburned, and with enough dirty laundry to keep me busy for days.

I can only hope this weekend is as awesome.

P.S. Kids were ecstatic because we won 2nd place in the boat parade! The prize was $20 dollars so the four kids each got a five dollar bill.

We had an absolutely fabulous time at Tom and Amy’s lake house over Memorial Day Weekend. I have so many more pictures I’d like to share but due to my “no photos of children on my blog” policy, I can’t show them to you. Trust me when I say our offspring, and Tom and Amy’s offspring, spent two full days in kid utopia where the official uniform was a swimsuit and S’mores were readily available.

A few highlights:

*We were worried about the weather because hey, it’s Iowa and you just never know what you’re going to get. But it was beautiful the whole weekend. We arrived at the lake house around 2:00 PM on Saturday afternoon and it was hot and sunny. Which is probably why the margaritas tasted so damn good.

*Matthew caught a big catfish but we threw it back so it could live to be caught by someone else who would probably eat it.

*We went out on the pontoon boat many times, enjoying both daytime and evening cruises. My brand new white bucket hat flew off my head on our maiden voyage but Tom doubled back and we plucked it out of the lake.

*We let all the kids drink coffee while at the lake which means we are either incredibly cool parents or incredibly stupid ones.

*We were up with the sun both mornings which gave us plenty of time to do all the fun things we planned. We went golfing Sunday morning and played nine holes on an all but deserted golf course. We had four kids, four adults, and four golf carts to peel around in. We had a blast!

*Dave tried to take a little disco nap on Sunday after golfing because he was tired. We told him to “man up” because we were all tired but no one else was lying down. Sheesh, what a Nancy pants.

*Tom and Amy have the coolest firepit and we made S’mores. My marshmallow was burned to shit but I ate it anyway.

*I got three mosquito bites and saw two spiders, one of which I killed because it was scurrying around in the tub when I went to take a shower.

*I made a batch of crack dip and Tom and Amy’s sister-in-law Rita, who had never had crack dip before, kept getting it back out of the cooler. Hello? Because it’s like crack.

*I brought Jack’s Special Salsa from Costco because I love it. I made Dave stop at the grocery store on our way out of town so I could get freshly made tortilla chips from the Hy-Vee kitchen to have with the salsa because they’re just like the ones you get in a Mexican restaurant (hell, they’re better). They’re thin, greasy, and salty. I was eating chips and salsa on Tom and Amy’s patio Saturday night but my coordination was not too stellar. I spilled salsa everywhere. There was a splotch on the patio table, a few puddles on the patio, and a big splat on my shoe. But none on my clothes (go me!). I could get the salsa on the chip just fine but for some reason (tequila), I could not get the salsa to stay on the chip before it got to my mouth. I felt bad about the mess but at least we were outside. And Tom and Amy said I could come back for the fourth of July!

Probably they don’t want me to bring salsa though.

“My mommy was busy making potato soup and the leprechauns got me!”

St. Patrick’s Day is a big deal in our house. It shouldn’t be, because we’re not Irish, but I don’t know anyone who gets more excited than we do about leprechauns.

About four years ago, we started telling the offspring that if you believe in leprechauns, they’ll visit your house on St. Patrick’s Day. We told them if you’re really fast, you might catch one. Matthew and Lauren immediately built a leprechaun trap.

We always get together with Tom and Amy, and their offspring, to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. I make potato soup and we’ll have some beer (but not the green kind). Matthew, Lauren, Scott, and Grace have a ball because we hide all kinds of St. Patrick’s Day stuff like shamrocks and gold wrapped candy all over the house and pretend it’s the leprechauns who are doing it. We put drops of green food coloring in the toilet and tell all the kids the leprechauns are up to their old mischief again.

It’s kind of getting out of hand, actually. If the leprechauns haven’t left something new for all the kids to find at least every hour, they start to complain and get mad at the leprechauns.

Two years ago, Tom, Amy, Dave, and I, and all the kids, took a spring break vacation to Chicago. We watched them turn the river green and attended the St. Patrick’s Day parade. We had to haul all the St. Patrick’s Day stuff to Chicago and then take turns shuffling the kids between the hotel rooms so one of the adults could turn a toilet green or hide some shamrocks and candy. It was exhausting.

Two days ago, I placed a small piece of shamrock confetti on Matthew’s keyboard. The day after that I sprinkled a couple pieces of shamrock confetti in each of their beds and dropped one piece in their bathroom toilet. They kinda went crazy. They’re convinced there’s a leprechaun named Marie who has been leaving the confetti and they’ve been trying to coax her out by talking into the vent in Matthew’s room. We told them that’s how the leprechauns get in (we’ve also told them the tooth fairy comes through the vents and they bought it so it seemed like a good idea to tell them the leprechauns get in the same way).

We probably only have a couple years left before they figure out that leprechauns don’t actually visit on St. Patrick’s Day. I’ll be a little bummed when that happens.

We’ll still celebrate anyway.

For the first Valentine’s Day Dave and I celebrated as a couple, Dave sent flowers to me at work. When the receptionist called to tell me she had a delivery for me I was thrilled because Dave and I had only been dating a few months and I wasn’t sure if he was going to send me anything at work.

I acted a bit smug when I got the call because one of my work friends had started dating her boyfriend around the same time and we had been locked in an unspoken competition all morning to see who was going to get flowers first.

Possibly my return to my desk would have been a bit more triumphant had Dave sent a dozen long stemmed red roses and not six carnations that had a scary red Valentine’s troll doll with Don King hair sticking out of them.

I deserve an Oscar for the performance I gave that day, both in the office and at home. I was madly in love with Dave so even though I hate carnations, I acted like I loved them (I threw the troll doll in the back of my closet and piled a bunch of crap on top of it).

Over the years, as Dave’s Valentine’s Day budget grew, he did start sending the long stemmed red roses until I finally told him not to spend so much money on flowers that were just going to die anyway.

This year Dave gave me a card with a dog on the front. I was confused because I thought maybe it was from Chloe but when I asked him he said “No, it’s from me. I bought it almost a month ago! But I didn’t get you any candy because I didn’t think you’d eat it.”

He’s right about that. This is the second food-centric holiday I’ve missed out on since I’ve been on Weight Watchers but I don’t really mind skipping chocolate as long as there’s wine.

We couldn’t get a sitter for Valentine’s Day so I made dinner and a heart-shaped cake for everyone. I was really tired because Matthew and Lauren had gotten up at 6:30 AM to see what we’d given them for Valentine’s Day. They were so jacked up on sugar by 7:00 they were bouncing off the walls and wouldn’t eat a normal breakfast.

I told Dave I might have to go to bed right after we got the kids down for the night but he suggested I pour a glass of wine instead. He seemed worried that our Valentine’s Day celebration might entail him drinking and watching Saturday Night Live by himself.

The first glass went down so well I immediately poured another. I was still drinking Sauvignon Blanc from the night before because I’ve recently come to the conclusion that red wine gives me a bad headache (I tell myself the headache is from the tannins and not over consumption).

Dave was on his second glass too and I noticed he was doing something on the computer. I had left my Facebook page open and he was going around writing “burp” and “dude” on some of my friend’s walls. He was also friending people without asking me first. He wanted to know if instead of poking people he could “bitch-slap” them. I made him get off Facebook and told him if he wants to mess around he needs to set up his own profile.

We spent the rest of the evening in front of the fireplace drinking wine and listening to music. Tom and Amy started texting us and we sent some messages back and forth. Tom texted that they found another fly in their house. I texted that I’d used so many WW points I couldn’t eat again until Tuesday.

Eventually we stopped drinking and went to bed. We both had a bit of a headache on Sunday.

Maybe next year we’ll try harder to get a babysitter. Even though we stayed home this year and didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day in the most sophisticated manner, at least we celebrated together. I’d rather have Dave than carnations or roses or scary troll dolls anyway.

I’d like to dedicate this post to all my wonderful friends, especially the ones that called and/or texted me last night when they were totally shitfaced. Here are a few of my favorites.

Happy New Year Trish and Kristi! I received your completely incoherent gibberish filled voice mail when I finally checked my messages this morning. Just a couple things:

1. At what time last night did the two of you lose the ability to converse in English? I have no idea what language you were speaking and couldn’t hear a thing due to your screaming and maniacal laughter.

2. When you are done leaving me a message, please remember to actually hang up. Paradise by the Dashboard Light is a really long song and I had to listen to you sing for almost 2 minutes before I could delete you. And P.S.? You guys sucked!

Happy New Year Tom and Amy! I found your text quite amusing. I’m sorry that Amy broke a glass in the batch of WW brownies she was making. And I don’t know what that means. Was Amy drunk baking? Was it a wine glass and was it full of White Zinfandel? Did she make another batch or were you completely brownie-less on New Year’s Eve? And for the love of God, who are the Gunderson’s? I can’t keep all your aliases straight.

As for us, we spent the evening partying like rock stars. I’d like to play Rock Band again soon and I’m guessing if I play it when I’m sober I’ll be a little quicker and won’t miss every third note. Man they come up fast!

And Lisa? The somersault you did over the edge of the couch into my lap was some pretty fine gymnastics. I don’t know if you remember it but you totally nailed the landing. We’re both lucky I was not holding my wine glass at the time because frankly, you came out of nowhere.

Our lovely hostess Julie had the most awesome champagne ever. I can’t remember what it’s called (though I tried desperately to commit it to my long term memory last night) but it was red! It tasted great and it was my favorite color.

We’re watching the Hawks kick some serious ass right now but I have no idea what we’ll do with the rest of the day. I wish we had Rock Band at our house. I feel like jammin’.

Hallelujah! The holiday drinking season is firmly underway. Actually I started indulging last week but that’s mostly because the offspring got 5 days off from school for Thanksgiving and drove me to drink within the first 12 hours they were home.

And although I often portray myself as a total alcoholic on this blog, I actually PREFER to limit the happy juice to once a week. I am not always successful but I TRY. But this month is a whole different story. I will be positively filled to the brim with holiday spirit (and alcoholic spirits) and for the month of December I provide no excuses or explanations for my behavior. And absolutely no photographic evidence. You can TELL everyone what I did while under the influence of 14 Jack Frost martinis but you cannot PROVE it.

Our neighbors Brooke and Spence had an awesome holiday party last year. They served vodka cocktails with pretty little cranberries floating in them and all the housewives drank so many we felt it was totally acceptable to put our hands on Wendy’s recently augmented breasts. We had been dying to check them out as soon as she got them but we are much too ladylike for that kind of behavior. However, once we were hammered none of us had any qualms about going to second base with her. Our husbands did not find this behavior amusing at all and wandered into the other room to watch the basketball game. They’re just jealous fun haters!

The rest of the evening is a little blurry to me. I could have sworn I left my high-heeled boots at Brooke and Spence’s house but when I woke up the next morning, there they were next to the bed. I have no idea how I navigated the icy sidewalk in them.
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I did not have a single trace of makeup on or mascara ringed eyes a la Alice Cooper because I still managed to wash my face before I passed out. I did, however, wake up in full jewelry, my sparkly holiday top, and no underwear.

We were using a brand new babysitter for the first time and neither Dave nor I could remember if we paid her. I ran downstairs to check the drawer where we keep the babysitting money and was relieved to find it empty. Bet she was TOTALLY impressed with us!

While I am in no hurry to have another hangover of that caliber, I am certainly looking forward to all the holiday festivities this month. ‘Tis the season to be jolly and I’m sure we’ll be all kinds of jolly here in the ‘hood. We may not remember all of it but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Please let me know what YOUR favorite holiday cocktail is. I finally figured out how to open the comments to everyone (not just those with a blogger.com account). If you have read this blog post, please take a second to tell me your favorite cocktail. I’m always looking for ideas! (And if it doesn’t let you leave a comment then I’ve done it all wrong).