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This is what happens when the Hawkeyes play before noon

  • December 14, 2009

Dave and the offspring and I have been watching a lot of Hawkeye football this season. We especially like when the Hawkeyes are playing at night because we can get together with friends and neighbors and have a few drinks while we enjoy the game.

On Halloween, the Hawkeyes played at 11:05 AM. We invited a few neighbors over to watch with us and thought we’d make a day of it. We had already been trick or treating the night before because, here in Des Moines, we call it Beggar’s night and we go out on the 30th. I have no idea why and I didn’t make up the rule. But I’m glad we had already gone trick or treating because it left us an entire day to watch football and hang out. It was beautiful here on Halloween, sunny and unseasonably warm which meant the offspring and the neighbor kids could play outside while we watched the game. Following is a semi-detailed account of how much fun we had.

8:00 : Offspring wake up and start stuffing their faces with Halloween candy. I take away the candy and serve them an appropriate breakfast because I am a good mother.
10:30: Go to grocery store for last minute items before neighbors arrive. Mention offhand to Dave that I probably wouldn’t drink during the game because it was so early and alcohol didn’t sound appealing. Plus, I really wanted to go to the library after the game and maybe run a few errands. But, when I am in the liquor aisle buying beer for the guys, I am mesmerized by all the champagne with sparkly, pretty labels. Maybe one mimosa would be kind of fun and maybe my neighbors will want one too. Can’t decide which champagne to buy so I purchase three different kinds with the rationale that I can always save them for another time if no one wants a mimosa.
11:05: Neighbors arrive and Iowa game starts.
11:10: Finish setting out hot wings and vegetables. Remind offspring to eat their veggies. Commend them for choosing broccoli. Am totally a good mother. Encourage them to go outside and play because fresh air and sunshine is good for children.
11:15: Ask Brooke if she wants champagne. She definitely does.
11:20: Cannot believe I forgot how much Mimosas kick ass!
12:20: First bottle of champagne gone. How did that happen? Ask Brooke if I should open another bottle. She says yes. Go outside and point exploding cork toward Yeti and Smokey’s house. Laugh maniacally.
1:00: Tipsy.
1:40: Make sandwiches for kids. Use Halloween cookie cutters to make bats and ghosts. Am like perfect Martha Stewart type mother except totally buzzed.
1:45: Dave and the offspring and I morph into completely obnoxious Hawkeye fans. Convinced that our cheering may influence outcome of game. And that players and coaches in Iowa City can hear us.
2:00 Take small break and re-locate to Brooke and Spence’s house next door so they can put their kids down for a nap.
3:00 Cork number three? See ya!
4:00 All football games are over. Brooke breaks out her ipod. Appoint myself DJ and look for songs to play that are not sung by 80’s hair bands or Lady Gaga. Play all three repeatedly and refuse to let anyone else control ipod.
5:00 Serve everyone crescent roll wrapped little smokies. Decide that they are awesome and wonder why I don’t make them all the time.
6:00 Lauren asks if we can make a cake tomorrow. “Of course we can!” I respond.
7:00 Start flirting with Dave. Point to him and mouth the word “You”, point to myself and mouth the word “Me” and then make several additional gestures in case he doesn’t know what I mean. He totally does. And so does everyone else.
7:15 Tell Dave he can stay for a while longer and that I’ll take the offspring home. Read books to Lauren which shouldn’t be as difficult as it is considering they are written for the first grade reading level. She accuses me of skipping pages. Finally get her in bed. Matthew asks if he can eat Halloween candy. I tell him yes but advise him that eating a bunch of candy, drinking a big glass of water, and then puking will not be appreciated at all. Lauren comes back out of her bedroom because if Matthew is still up, she’s not going to bed either. Lauren sees Matthew eating candy, grabs her trick or treat basket and joins him. Finally wrestle candy away from them and tell them to go to bed. They tell me they aren’t tired now. Tell them I will give all their Halloween candy to less fortunate kids if they don’t go to bed immediately. Watch them fly up the stairs and go into their rooms.
9:00 Climb into bed to watch TV.
11:00 Dave crawls into bed and whispers, “Tracey, I’m home.” “Leave me alone,” I mumble (followed, according to Dave, by something that sounds like “don’t touch me!” but probably was just sleepy gibberish).
11:01 Halloween comes to a close in our household.

The next day, while baking a cake with Lauren, I reflected back on the previous day’s activities and thought about what a fun time we had had. I also realized that there are windows of opportunity in our home. Lauren is good at identifying when the windows are open and I’m grateful that she only asked for a cake and not, say, a pony because I do try hard to keep my promises. And even though Matthew ate a ton of Halloween candy, he didn’t throw up so I guess everything worked out okay there. Usually Matthew is pretty good at utilizing windows of opportunity to his advantage.

Despite our 17 years together, Dave is still learning.

The Dirty T-Shirt Party

  • May 4, 2009

A couple years ago, when Dave turned forty, we decided to throw a theme-based birthday party. We thought having a dirty t-shirt party sounded like a lot of fun. And by dirty we meant wholly inappropriate. Like really offensive. No holds barred, if you will.

Everybody got into it. Some people ordered their shirts at t-shirt hell or cafepress. I ordered two of my four shirts from Cafepress because I liked their custom design option. One of my custom t-shirts said It’s all about Dave (because really, there are 364 other days that are all about me). Another of my custom t-shirts said I can drink you whores under the table because hello? I said wholly inappropriate and really offensive, remember? I should probably point out that I drank absolutely no one under the table at the dirty t-shirt party because two weeks before, I’d had a hangover of such colossal magnitude that I wasn’t yet back on the sauce. I told Dave I wouldn’t drink so he could let loose but it was really because I couldn’t fathom the thought of drinking alcohol.

Here’s Dave on the left, wearing his Gimme A Drink, Fuckass t-shirt (click on any picture to enlarge). His other t-shirt says I Think You’re Pretty. Pretty Fucking Stupid. Mark is standing next to Dave in the picture on the right. He’s holding his Pimp glass and was thoughtful enough to bring Dave one that said Playa. Mark took the t-shirt idea one step further by dressing as a Des Moines east sider complete with mullet wig and sandals worn with socks.

Since I was stone cold sober, I took pictures as everyone arrived. I took two pictures; one of the guest wearing the t-shirt and then just a close up of the t-shirt so we could capture what it said. These are two of my favorites.

Amy had one of the best shirts of the night. Are we clear on what queefing is? Everybody?

I ♥ that Stacy wore a t-shirt letting everyone know how she feels about cameltoe. And be careful because her husband Tim has a big “you-know-what.”

Tom gets the award for best t-shirts. And I love that he was so into the idea that one t-shirt was not enough.

Here’s me in two of my four t-shirts. I’m especially partial to the Crack Whore one because I am just that classy. My friend Lisa is standing next to me wearing a t-shirt that says, in really small letters, Nosy Little Fucker, Aren’t You?

I don’t even have a penis and yet I almost want my own Rock Out With Your Cock Out t-shirt like my friend Ben. His wife Kerri’s t-shirt is a perfect choice because her boobs are real and we’ve all seen them. Multiple times. Usually when drinking. In fact, we saw ’em that night. Sometimes when I’m talking to someone about Kerri I’ll say, “You know, my friend Kerri with the boobs?” I kinda love that about Kerri.

There are many more pictures of that night and some of them didn’t make it onto this blog post simply because there isn’t room for them all. Also, even though I wasn’t drinking and should be able to take a simple photo, you can’t see the writing clearly in all of them.

We had a really fun night celebrating Dave’s birthday. If you’re thinking about throwing your own theme party this summer, consider the dirty t-shirt party.

I guarantee you’ll have a good time.

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