Hello blogosphere!

I know I’ve been kinda “phoning it in” lately and I’m sorry.

But let me explain.

I’ve been suffering from a combination of Internet overload, blogger burnout, and an end of the year time crunch. Even though I’ve had the entire school year to organize the playroom, clean out all the closets, cabinets, and cupboards, and put 3,256 photos into albums, I haven’t done it. I also haven’t completed any scrapbooking projects but that’s because I loathe that activity and plan on paying Amy to do it for me.

I spend way too much time reading and attempting to comment on other people’s blogs which leaves me with even less time to think up funny, clever, and interesting posts for my own.

And Twitter and Facebook? You are starting to bug me. I no longer care what Demi and Ashton are doing every thirty seconds and seriously, don’t they have some acting to do somewhere? And to my Facebook friends? You can keep sending me shit for my farm but since I’ve never visited my farm I am assuming everything you sent is dead and rotting, including the animals. Sorry. And why does it seem like I only get updates from the same three people? I’ve checked my settings and everything appears to be okay yet I know way too much about the daily minutiae of people I am not close friends with. I still like posting on my friend’s walls though so it’s not like I’m anti Facebook. I’m just not willing to spend my time thinking of clever status updates. Ditto Twitter.

I’ve also been tending to the offspring who have had a rough couple weeks battling strep throat and the stomach flu. This would be so much easier to handle if they weren’t the little boy and the little girl who cry wolf all the time. Because they’ve both turned into total fibbers I didn’t believe either of them when they actually got sick.

First Lauren tried to get out of going to tumbling because her throat hurt. But her throat hurts every time she has tap and ballet or tumbling because what she really wants to do, instead of going to class, is play outside now that it’s finally warm and sunny here. When Lauren walked into our bedroom at 4:30 AM a few mornings later with a forehead hot enough to fry an egg on, we ended up at the doctor who treated her for one of the worst bouts of strep throat she’s ever had.

Matthew, no slouch in the hooky department, decided to capitalize on the fact that we had strep germs floating around in the house and decided to start complaining of his own sore throat at 4:30 AM a few mornings later. I kept him home and took him to the doctor but his strep test was negative. His throat was pretty red so they gave me a prescription for antibiotics but told me not to have Matthew start taking the medicine unless his symptoms got worse. He was fine the rest of the day and spent equal amounts of time watching SpongeBob SquarePants and playing on the computer.

The next morning Matthew got up as usual and had a big bowl of cereal. I asked him if his throat or head hurt and he said no.

I was grocery shopping when the school nurse called my cell phone to tell me she had Matthew in her office and he didn’t look good. He wasn’t complaining of a sore throat but he said he felt sick. I said, “yeah, um, is he like faking because he does that quite a bit?” She told me she thought he really didn’t feel good but since she’s new, I figured it was a rookie mistake. I told her I was at the grocery store but that i would grab 17 more items be right there. I knew he was just trying to get out of being at school.

By the time I got there the boy who cried wolf had puked three times, the last time “horrifically” according to the nurse. The school janitor was there with a mop and bucket and the nurse said, “What did Matthew have for breakfast today?” “Cranberry Total cereal, ” I said. The nurse said, “I thought it was something like that.” You can mail my mommy of the year award to P.O. Box I’m a Shitty Mom.

After I finally got everyone healthy and back to school, I had to go to my own doctor appointment at Heartland Dermatology. This is the place I have all my body hair lasered off and it’s also where my dermatologist Dr. Feldman works. I had an appointment with her to ask about Botox and Radiesse and while I was there I planned on having her look at a big freckle I’d suddenly noticed on my collarbone.

Dr. Feldman took one look at my freckle and suddenly, I was laying down on the table having a biopsy while she told me she didn’t like the size and shape of the freckle or how quickly it had appeared. Before she left the room she told me she was concerned it was early stage melanoma.

I forgot all about Botox and Radiesse as the nurse went over how to care for the biopsy site and explained what I’d need to do for scar therapy. She said I’d hear something by the end of the week.

Everything turned out fine. My freckle thingie turned out to be benign and I’ll probably be sporting a funny band-aid on my collarbone for the next twelve weeks which is fine with me because you know what’s not funny? Melanoma.

Another reason for my lack of posting is the totally captivating late spring TV schedule. Someone who claims she “hardly ever watches TV” sure has some splainin’ to do about why there’s a Tracey shaped ass indention on the couch. Seriously, between American Idol, Lost, and The Real Housewives, I’ve been watching way too much TV. Now that Lost is over and Idol is almost done (go Kris!), the couch cushions should start to spring back.

However, now that the weather is nicer, I’d rather be outside in the afternoon and evening (wearing a hat and sunscreen with an SPF of eleventy billion). Blogging was so much easier during the shitty Iowa winter when I really didn’t want to leave the house at all. The offspring will be out of school soon and then I’m not sure what will happen to this blog. I find it almost impossible to write anything without total silence and if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s about to get really loud around here.

But, I can certainly continue to post about what’s going on here in the ‘hood, even if it’s not that side-splittingly funny. I read lots of blogs that simply tell the reader what’s going on in the blogger’s life and I enjoy them very much. I’m hoping you will not mind if I do the same because I don’t want to stop posting. I’m just not sure my posts will be all that creative or funny.

Kristi – sorry dude. I’m letting you down and I know it. I promise if you stop by this summer you’ll give me something funny to write about. Ditto Trish.

Oh, and I do have some Sandy the Yeti news to report soon because she’s gone off her fucking rocker. I’m trying to think of a post about everything that’s been going on but it’s not so much funny as it is unbelievable. I hope to post some accompanying photos too because the Yeti’s yard is now bookended by trampolines and I think it’s pretty hysterical. I can’t wait until those trampoline springs need a shot of WD-40 either.

So, welcome to funny in the ‘hood, summer edition. Who needs a cold one?