Now that the holiday season is in full swing, women everywhere are trying to figure out how to mitigate the effects of endless cocktail parties, department potlucks, and an unlimited supply of alcohol and sugar.

Last month we started brainstorming solutions at work and I’m going to be honest, I wasn’t on board with any of the options that were suggested. Jen is a fan of the 17-Day diet, but when I looked it up none of my favorite holiday things like chocolate martinis, fancy, frosted sugar cookies, and crack dip were on it, so clearly that wasn’t even going to make the short list.

Kendra wanted to know if I was interested in doing The Dukan Diet with her.

Me: What the hell is The Toucan Diet?
Kendra: Oh my God, that’s what we thought it was called, too. But when we googled it we found out that toucans eat berries and rats so we double-checked and it’s Dukan, not Toucan.

I googled this diet and you basically eat nothing but meat in the first phase, aptly named “attack” which I would have to change to “Oh, hell no.” It sounds horrible.

Kendra: So, do you want to try The Dukan Diet with me?
Me: Not even a little bit. I’m going to do the half diet instead.
Kendra and Jess: We’ve never even heard of that.
Me: That’s because I just made it up this very second. I’m just going to eat half of everything on my plate from now on. Easy-peasy, George and Weezy.

So I started doing that. I gave Jess half my sandwich and chips the other day because she didn’t have time to run down for lunch. Then Karen and I split a sandwich and chips. Then Jess and I shared a grilled cheese and fries and she was kind of bitching about the small portion, but she still split with me.

Then I came back from the cafeteria a few days later and Jess and Kendra were eating beef burgers (oh God, why? I can’t stand beef, and especially not in loose-meat form. Gah).

Kendra noticed the lunch I was carrying. “Neither of us can split with you today, but don’t you dare throw half of that sandwich away. Just eat it.”

“I paid for it,” I said. “I can do whatever I want with it and I am not a garbage can.”

“Save it for us. We might want it later even though we just ate one-and-a-half beefburgers. We’re doing the one-and-a-half diet. You know, to bulk up for winter.”

“Hibernation preparation?” I asked.

“Exactly.”

“Are you mocking me? I feel like you’re making fun of my made-up diet.”

Jess: I almost gnawed on my own arm I was so hungry after splitting lunch with you the other day.

Me: Yeah, but you didn’t get hungry until the end of the day. I told you all you had to do was go home, make dinner, and eat half. I can’t make this any simpler.

And ha, ha, they wanted that half sandwich later but they were SOL because I gave it to Karen.

“This morning when I got dressed I fit into pants that are a size smaller than I usually wear,” I announced when I got to work on Friday. “They were conveniently still hanging in my closet from when I exploded out of them last year due to all the ass-sitting that comes with writing a book. They slid right on today, though. Might even be loose.”

Suddenly, everyone was all interested.

They had questions on the mechanics of the half diet. We had a round-table discussion at work to fine-tune it and come up with some additional parameters (like how to handle alcohol). We told my boss Jean all about it so I’ll probably get an award or something for lowering everyone’s BMI. I promised I would design a handy flowchart to illustrate exactly how the diet is supposed to work.

Here it is:

FAQ’s

What foods are weird to divide in half?

Any fruit or vegetable because no one ever got fat eating that shiz. Don’t do something lame like eat half a banana, or half a carrot. That’s stupid.

What about a bowl of cereal? Can I only eat half of it?

You can eat the whole thing, but don’t use a giant mixing bowl and don’t choose cereal that comes with a toy. I am quite fond of Kashi cereal but only the kind with honey and almond flax because the other kind is like eating petrified twigs and little puffs of styrofoam.

Eat this

Not that

It even says twigs and puffs in the description which they should be trying to downplay so obviously everyone in the marketing department at Kashi is high.

Potato chips and french fries don’t sound very healthy. Have any real nutritionists weighed in on this diet?

Well aren’t you Judgy McJudgypants. I agree, chips and fries are not healthy but the salad bar in my company cafeteria scares the living crap out of me and I make much healthier choices for breakfast and dinner. And no, I did not solicit the opinion of any nutrition experts for my made-up diet. It is simply the concept of moderation with the addition of wine in a whole-bottle serving size which means it’s freaking awesome.

What about soup. How do you eat soup?

Please stop asking silly questions. Eat it with a spoon, and serve yourself about half as much as you really want. It will still be plenty.

What if I go to Cheesecake Factory or Outback Steakhouse?

Take three other people with you and share one entree.

Will you pose in a bikini like Kirsti Alley when you’re done with the half diet?

Don’t be ridiculous. Kirsti wore pantyhose under that bikini and I don’t even own pantyhose.

How many pounds will I lose on the half diet?

I have no idea. Try it and find out, and then report back to me. Please take before and after photos. I promise not to put them on my blog.

Maybe.

So, who’s on board?