I Regret To Inform You That Flashback Friday Will Not Occur Today

  • August 7, 2009

I’m in a big ass hurry to get out of town before my brother and sister in law change their minds about watching the offspring and I can’t find any funny pictures for Flashback Friday but to make it up to you I am working on a post about my horrible PMS which I will publish no later than Sunday night. Or Monday if I am still kind of drunk hungover on Sunday. Which is quite possible.

So no Flashback Friday+drunk/hungover=everything you ever wanted to know about my monthly hellish hormonal psychotic episodes.

I know.

Awesome.

The Purse Post

  • March 30, 2009

Missy recently tagged me to write a post about the contents of my purse.

I just met Missy and I like her even though she’s a Cyclone and I’m a Hawkeye. I’m wondering if Missy realizes just how much I’ve posted about a certain purse on this blog, namely the Dooney and Bourke medium Chiara bag in black leather that I still don’t own. If you’d like the back story, please click here.

As many of you know, I launched a plan in late December to earn some money to buy the Dooney after Santa fucked me over let me down. Between selling my eggs on Craig’s List, donating blood, and stripping at the Lumberyard, I was positive I’d earn enough money to buy it myself.

Unfortunately, some meddling whore over on Craig’s List read my blog and told everyone not to buy my eggs because any children produced from them would probably have webbed feet and a tail.

And I never did make it to The Lumberyard because Dave got all bent out of shape at the idea of me stripping. I reminded him that before Diablo Cody wrote the screenplay for Juno she wrote a memoir titled Candy Girl which chronicled her experiences as a stripper in Minnesota. Her guy was cool with it and even married her later. Dave still said no way and I read the other day that Diablo and her husband got divorced so maybe Dave knows what he’s talking about.

And I never sold my blood because the Blood Center of Iowa only wants it if it’s free. Huh.

And then when I finally scraped up enough cash to buy the Dooney, those mother-effers at Younkers and Dillards no longer had it in stock.

This is a picture of my actual purse. I’ve been carrying it all winter and I’ll probably be carrying it until I die. I got it at Banana Republic two years ago and I like it because it’s big enough to hold all my stuff, two bottles of wine, and Chloe.

This is my boring brown wallet and my boring brown checkbook cover with the nerdy clip which holds back all the pages of my checkbook register. Below that is my little collection of Aveda goodies (click to enlarge). I love the smell of everything Aveda, especially their Shampure shampoo and conditioner. The little spray bottle on the left is perfume that they mixed for me at the Aveda salon I go to (I had a coupon and got it for free, yay!).

The next two items are necessary because the offspring often have something coming out of their nose or something sticky all over their hands. But rest assured, you will never see either of my kids coming toward you with something gross streaming from their nose while I appear to be blind and act like I don’t see it like some moms (I’ve been known to yell “Uh, little Johnny needs a kleenex RIGHT NOW!”). Below that is the epi-pen and Benadryl I carry at all times because Lauren is allergic to eggs. I’ve never had to use it which is a good thing because I’m afraid I’ll panic and shoot epinephrine into my thumb and not Lauren’s thigh.

Next we have my Weight Watchers points slider thingy, weigh in booklet, hand lotion, cell phone, lip gloss, and chapstick. I never use the lip gloss but I’m completely addicted to cherry chapstick. The cell phone was chosen solely for the fact that it’s red which is my favorite color.





My purse isn’t very full or interesting. But you know whose purse would be interesting? Trish’s. It’s half the size of mine yet she has twice the amount of crap shoved in it. Usually stuff is overflowing out the top. Seriously, I bet there’s some pretty odd shit in there. Next time she’s over I’ll try to take pictures of everything in her purse but I’ll probably have to do it on the down-low because after she reads this post she’s going to be pissed off at me for a little while.

I think that’s all you need to know about my purse. Please come back next week so I can regale you with the contents of my kitchen utensil drawer, affectionately known in our house as “the portal to hell.”

Guess What?

  • March 13, 2009


I lost another 1.8 lbs. when I weighed in at Weight Watchers today. Yay! I’ve lost 20.8 lbs. so far which means I’m getting close to my goal of losing 25. I’ve also dropped two jeans sizes. Yay! Yay! Yay!

When I reach my goal I’m going to celebrate with crack dip and a cosmopolitan as big as my head.

As you can see, I’m kind of excited about it. I haven’t had a cosmopolitan in a really long time.

When I reach my goal, I’m going to ask all my blog readers (you seven people know who you are) to join me in raising a martini glass and a Ritz cracker covered in crack dip.

Please say you’ll join me!

100 more things

  • February 15, 2009

Keri in MA recently tagged me in her note 25 random things on Facebook. I enjoyed coming up with my own 25 things so much I thought I’d write a new list and try to come up with 100 more things.

Here they are:

100. Trish is five minutes older than me.
99. My parents went to the doctor when my mom was seven and a half months pregnant and they found out there were going to be two babies instead of one. My mom went into labor later that night and they didn’t have a name or a crib for me. I guess they thought Tracey sounded good with Trish.
98. We are fraternal twins meaning there were two separate eggs.
97. We look nothing alike but people still ask us if we’re identical twins.
96. I am a little bit taller.
95. Trish and I both have brown eyes.
94. I was born breech.
93. I have a really cool younger brother named George but I’ve been forbidden to blog about him. I probably will anyway. I still call him Georgie even though he’s thirty-nine years old.
92. I abhor jazz music.
91. Not crazy about R&B either.
90. Dave is always trying to convince me to like both.
89. I hate riding my bicycle.
88. And not because my helmet is super queer which is why Dave thinks I don’t like to go on bike rides.
87. I would never attend a spinning class at the YMCA either.
86. I have no desire to ever participate in RAGBRAI which is when thousands of bicycle riding enthusiasts pedal their way across Iowa.
85. But I’ll show up when RAGBRAI swings through Des Moines and drink beer with all the bicyclists. To show my support and stuff.
84. I just think biking is boring.
83. Dave’s always trying to convince me it’s not.
82. To me it is (shrug).
81. I make Dave’s lunch for him every day.
80. I make him a PB&J sandwich and throw in a carton of AE yogurt.
79. We only eat natural peanut butter. You have to keep it in the fridge and when you first open it, the oil and the peanut butter have to be mixed up.
78. I pack either strawberry banana or cherry vanilla yogurt.
77. I started packing his lunch because he works out on his lunch hour and he doesn’t always have time to go get something to eat afterward.
76. Dave appreciates that I pack his lunch and never takes it for granted.
75. Dave is way nicer than me.
74. “Hey, is that your real hair color?”
73. That was the pick up line Dave used on me the night we met.
72. I was a redhead at the time.
71. We met at a party being thrown by a guy I was pseudo-dating.
70. Pseudo because he usually just tried to booty call me. Or convince me to go home from the bar with him.
69. Luckily I would usually sleep through the booty call and not listen to his message on my answering machine until the next morning.
68. Which translated into me accidentally playing hard to get.
67. Which is why pseudo-date guy actually called me during daylight hours and invited me to come to his party.
66. And then IGNORED me the whole night.
65. Except for making a rude remark about my blazer (it was brand new, I bought it at The Limited, and it was THE blazer to own).
64. But then Dave uttered his magic pick up line and I fell in love.
63. That party was sixteen and a half years ago.
62. Dave is my best friend.
61. Dave and I are not car people.
60. We’ve only had one income for almost ten years so we had to choose between a nice house or nice cars.
59. Our cars aren’t nice.
58. I drive a 1999 Ford Explorer. It’s white and it does have all the bells and whistles like keyless entry and butt warmers.
57. I bought it from my dad when it was three years old.
56. It was in pristine condition because my dad is very clean.
55. I am super clean too yet the kids and I have managed to turn the Explorer (which we call “the exploder” for no apparent reason) into a giant garbage can on wheels.
54. Dave cleans out the interior every six weeks or so.
53. He’s usually muttering something under his breath about how filthy it was.
52. Dave drives a 1995 Honda Accord that we also bought from my dad and Debby. It was only two years old when we got it.
51. I’ve only had one new car in my life. In 1990, I bought a red Acura Integra.
50. I drove it for the next twelve years.
49. I was pregnant with Lauren when we sold the Acura and bought dad’s Explorer.
48. I loved my Acura.
47. It was a five speed.
46. I miss having a clutch.
45. I’m a pretty good driver. I haven’t had a speeding ticket in fifteen years and I had never had an “at fault“ accident until last winter.
44. I slid into a parked car at cost cutters when I took Matthew to get a haircut.
43. It cost $500 and we paid out of our pocket because it wasn’t worth submitting to our insurance company.
42. I love to read.
41. I just finished reading all eight Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire Mystery books by Charlaine Harris.
40. Currently I’m reading two David Sedaris books simultaneously.
39. I’m really into reading memoirs right now.
38. Dave and I still read to the kids every night at bedtime.
37. We started reading at bedtime when the kids were infants
36. Dave and I have read the first four Harry Potter books aloud to Matthew at bedtime.
35. I had already read all seven Harry Potter books.
34. So I’m getting really tired of Harry Potter.
33. Both kids are pretty good readers.
32. Dave and I drink more since having kids then we ever did before.
31. But I hardly ever drink Sunday-Thursday. I’ve never been a big “school night” drinker.
30. I’d rather consume seven drinks in a weekend rather than have one drink every night for a week.
29. There’s a name for people like me.
28. Binge drinker.
27. During the week I like to work out, get up early, and get things accomplished so I can have fun on the weekends.
26. With wine.
25. Or cosmos.
24. Or sometimes beer if it’s hot out.
23. I also really like iced tea.
22. Not sweet tea!
21. I like diet coke.
20. I hate pepsi products.
19. I only drink soy milk.
18. I hate spiders.
17. I hate snakes.
18. I don’t mind mice.
16. I don’t love mice but I can’t remember the last time I saw one anyway.
15. I’ve seen some scary spiders in my yard.
14. We had a fox in our yard two years ago.
13. Say it with me: Urban sprawl.
12. Matthew walked right by it on his way to the swing set.
11. He didn’t know what it was.
10. It ran away.
9. I don’t throw stale bread off the deck anymore.
8. Although I wish the fox would come back and eat Sandy the yeti.
7. But I’m afraid the fox will eat Chloe someday.
6. We have an invisible fence which will only keep out invisible foxes.
5. We are planning on putting up a volleyball net in our back yard this summer.
4. I am also going to teach the kids how to play croquet.
3. I used to love playing croquet in my yard with Trish and Georgie when we were little.
2. Except one time a bird pooped on my head when I was playing croquet.
1. One time a bird pooped on Amy’s head when she was at a cemetery.
*Amy wins.

All about my music

  • January 11, 2009

Santa brought me a new ipod for Christmas and I’ve been spending a lot of time walking around with my ear buds in (mostly to drown out the sound of the offspring fighting and saying my name repeatedly).

I used to have a shuffle that I really liked because when I worked out I could just clip it onto my shirt. Now that I have a nano I’m trying to get all my music organized into playlists. When I registered it on our computer it loaded our whole itunes library so I also need to delete all the Alvin and the Chipmunks, Hannah Montana, and everything from Kidz Bop.

Matthew and Dave have nanos and I gave my old shuffle to Lauren. We have so many ipods in this house we need a separate drawer to keep all the cords straight. Apparently I didn’t do a very good job of checking for explicit lyrics before I gave the shuffle to Lauren because she informed me that she listened to a Green Day song and heard the F word. That’s wonderful. I swear I have deleted that version of American Idiot from our itunes library 2 or 3 times and it somehow keeps coming back.

Coincidentally, the band Green Day came into my dad’s motorcycle dealership a couple years ago when they played in Des Moines. They bought a motorcycle to take on tour with them and Georgie did not tell me about it until after they left. And yes Georgie, I AM still kind of pissed about it. You should have called me immediately and then locked Billie Jo Armstrong and the rest of the band in dad’s office until I could get there. I would have asked them for a couple tickets to the show and maybe a backstage pass and then I could have had you or dad take my picture with the band. Trish has a picture of her and Scott Baio, Dave has a picture of him and Corey Hart and I’ve got nothing.

Trying to organize all this music is more time consuming than I thought. I don’t know whether to make playlists based on genre, decade, or personal preference.

My all time favorite songs are anything by the following artists: The Eagles, Elton John, Billy Joel, Chicago, John Denver, James Taylor, Jim Croce, Fleetwood Mac, and Paul McCartney.

There are a few songs you will NEVER find on my ipod because they suck.

Old Time Rock and Roll – Bob Seger (banned from our wedding reception)
Mony, Mony – all artists who have sung this song (also banned)
The Macarena, both song and stupid dance – I have no idea who is responsible for this piece of crap (banned!)

Here are some of my other favorites, in no particular order. I have no idea how to organize these into any kind of playlists. Please feel free to download some of these onto your own ipods. You’re welcome.

Let Me Be There – Olivia Newton John (song I always sing when I do karaoke)
Love Will Keep us Together – Captain and Tenille (song Janice and I always sing when we do karaoke. And yes we DO bring down the house)
Afternoon Delight – Starland Vocal Band (my favorite karaoke song Dave and I used to sing together back in the 90’s)
Tracey – The Cufflinks (natch)
Building a Mystery – Sara Mclachlan (mentions vampires!)
Africa – Toto (I have liked this song since high school. It reminds me of Stefani and I riding the bus to an away basketball game at North Polk)
Aquarius/Let the Sunshine in – The 5th Dimension (my zodiac sign)
Wicked Game – Chris Isaak
Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing – Chris Isaak
Behind Closed Doors – Charlie Rich (go to itunes and download this one for your ipod RIGHT NOW)
The Best of Times – Styx
Games People Play – Alan Parsons Project
Psychobabble – Alan Parsons Project (Stefani!)
Amie – Pure Prairie League (they spelled your name wrong Amy but you OWN this song)
Every Time I Think of You – The Babys
The Weight – The Band
If I had a $1,000,000 – Barenaked Ladies
Don’t Fear the Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult
Night Moves – Bob Seger
You’re So Vain – Carly Simon
Where You Lead – Carole King (from Tapestry – my mom had this album)
Kiss an Angel Good Morning – Charlie Pride (yes, really)
Southern Cross – Crosby, Stills, & Nash (one of my all time favorites)
Same Old Lang Syne – Dan Fogelberg
Please Come to Boston – David Loggins (love, love, love this song)
I’d Really Love To See You Tonight – England Dan and John Ford Coley
Criminal – Fiona Apple (Lisa!)
Nights in White Satin – The Moody Blues (but only in the winter, only if it’s cloudy, and preferably in my car)
Sundown – Gordon Lightfoot (who I always refer to as Gordon Heavyleg. Then I laugh)
Love Don’t Live Here Anymore – Lady Antebellum (I don’t listen to country music much anymore but I love this song. I heard them sing it on a country music awards show and had to download it)
Into The Night – Santana featuring Chad Kroeger
Hey, Hey What Can I Do – Led Zeppelin (this song is not about me, I swear)
The River – Toby Lightman (thanks Charlee!)
Country Boy – Glen Campbell (I don’t know how to explain why this is on my ipod but I like it)
Ridin’ the Storm Out – REO Speedwagon (especially if we’re having a blizzard and there’s wine available)
Dani California – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Rock ‘N Roll Jesus – Kid Rock
No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature – The Guess Who
Werewolves of London – Warren Zevon (This song reminds me of Noelle)

I have a lot more songs I have no idea how to organize. I think our library is up to 1,500 songs and we add to it all the time. I guess it’s just going to take some time before I figure it all out. If you have a song you really like, and you think it belongs on my ipod, please make a suggestion in the comments section. I’m always looking for a new download.

In case you’d like to buy me a gift

  • December 10, 2008

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with string
Here are a few of MY favorite things

The wine aisle at Dahl’s
All day Kindergarten
Tom and Amy’s lake house
Tom and Amy’s pontoon boat
Tom and Amy’s wave runner
Tom and Amy (yes they’re PEOPLE but they own a bunch of the things)
Diet coke
People Magazine
The Internet
Vodka
My ipod
Sushi
The F bomb
Books
When people fall down
Spicy food
My DVR
Grilled shrimp
Face book
The Real Housewives of Orange County
The Real Housewives of New York City
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Online shopping
Snowstorms
Fresh lime juice
Sandalwood incense
Sex and The City, series and movie
Halloween
Lemons
Avocados
Twilight, books and movie

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