Hey guess what? Despite my utter inability to get a single post written in the last two weeks I still have an award to post on this blog, courtesy of Funny Girl Goes Blog . The fact that she gave me the award months ago isn’t stopping me from finally fulfilling my award duties though. Hey, better late than never I always say.

I’m supposed to tell you ten true things about myself that no one else knows. Since I’ve told everyone for more than they ever wanted to know about me in the first place, I’m not even sure I can come up with ten new things. Yet here they are:

1) I am working on my second novel. I submitted two chapters of my first book to an online writer’s forum I frequent and while they said my writing was solid and the mechanics were fine, they also told me my chapters were boring and that I needed to structure the book differently.

Ouch.

I took the criticism to heart though and when I read the pages again, I could see what they meant. In the meantime, I had an idea for another book that I liked even better so I shoved the pages of the first book in a folder and started the second. I think I’ve been able to avoid the mistakes I made with the first book because of the constructive criticism the writers on the forum gave me. I may have 47 crappy unfinished novels shoved in a folder by the time I’m done but submitting a manuscript to an editor is on my bucket list and I will cross it off someday. Oh, and every day I print the pages of my current work-in-progress, three hole punch them, and put them in a white binder that Lauren decorated with kitty stickers because I am all high tech like that.

2) I like Coke versus Pepsi products, specifically diet coke. I will drink diet pepsi if I have to but I won’t like it and I’ll probably complain. I frequently have the Coke vs. Pepsi debate with my dad and my friend Stefani and so far we are at an impasse because no one is budging. I drink one diet coke a day, always with lunch.

3) I am fascinated by Mt. Everest and the people who climb it. I have watched countless shows about it on the Discovery Channel and I know all the different places the climbers reach on their quest for the summit. I don’t want to climb Mt. Everest, but I love watching others do it. I also love the book Into The Air by Jon Krakauer which chronicles the tragic events that occurred in a race for the summit in May of 1996.

4) I don’t like to travel because I can’t stand sleeping in hotels. This didn’t use to bother me but as I’ve gotten older, I can barely stand it. It doesn’t help that I read articles in the newspaper about the resurgence of bedbugs (why media, why?) and I can’t help but think about all the people who have done God knows what in the bed I am sleeping in. Shudder.

5) I like to listen to music really loud and I have always had the best stereo system I could afford (except now because I don’t want to damage the offspring’s ears). I’m pretty sure I already have significant hearing loss in one or possibly both ears. I was working out on an elliptical machine at the gym the other day and I had my 70’s super playlist cranked as loud as it would go which is why I didn’t hear the guy who came right up to me and grabbed my arm which made me scream. He thought I was his wife. I’m pretty sure I scared the crap out of him and now he can’t hear either but it’s totally his fault because he shouldn’t go around touching other men’s wives at the gym.

6) King cobra snakes scare the piss out of me. I can’t even watch Rikki-Tikki-Tavi even though it’s animated and has a happy ending.

7) I have to wash the outside of all fruits and vegetables, even things like cantaloupe and watermelon, before I will cut them and eat them. When I see people peel the sticker off their apple and eat it without washing it I’m practically apoplectic. When customers at the grocery store put their fresh produce in the grocery cart without putting it in a plastic bag first I stare at them openly and have to restrain myself from going over to them and saying, “You know that grocery cart is a holy fucking cesspool of germs, right? And, just out of curiosity, are you going to wash that before you eat it?

8) I should really have a hair power of attorney because I cannot be trusted to make good hair decisions on my own. If my hairstyle garners any compliments whatsoever, rest assured that, at my next hair appointment, I will fuck it all up by asking my hairdresser to do exactly the opposite of whatever she did that made it look so good, i.e. if it’s highlighted I’ll make it darker, if it’s long and layered and wavy I’ll hack it off and wear it all one length and straight.

9) I love watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, especially the shark attack files which sounds really morbid but it’s not like I have a time machine people. By the time I’m watching Shark Week, these people have already been bitten and/or killed. Unfortunately, I may have accidentally scared the crap out of the offspring because they like Shark Week too and have informed me that they will never, ever swim in the ocean. That’s okay though. The three of us can hang out on the beach scanning the waves for schools of bait fish and dorsal fins while Dave and everyone else swims. Discovery Channel? I’m sorry. Ocean swimmers? You’re welcome.

10) I like Glen Campbell and have several of his songs on my ipod. I don’t even care how unbelievably queer that makes me sound. Glen Campbell reminds me of growing up in the seventies and his music is pure nostalgia. My friend Ivetta and I made up a dance to “Southern Nights” for the school talent show when we were in 5th grade but we chickened out and didn’t perform. “Rhinestone Cowboy” will always remind me of my friend Ben because it is one of his karaoke songs and “Wichita Lineman” reminds me of my friend Bobbi because her husband Travis is a Lineman and I have been known to sing “I am a lineman for the county….” when we are having lunch together. I can’t help myself. My favorite Glen Campbell song is “Country Boy” (You’ve Got Your Feet In LA).

Now I just have to pick ten of my blogging buddies and let them know they have received this prestigious award. And to those that I choose? Don’t feel like you have to do this immediately, or at all if it’s not your thing. I just want you to know that I want to learn ten new things about you. Because I’m nosy.

I will be notifying the award recipients as soon as I compile my list of lucky winners.

Here are the rules for this award:

1. “The Honest Scrap” award is not one to hold all to yourself. It must be shared!

2. The recipient has to tell 10 true things about themselves in their blog that no one else knows.

3. The recipient has to pass along this prestigious award to 10 more bloggers.

4. Those 10 bloggers all have to be notified they have been given this award.

5. Those 10 bloggers should link back to the blog that awarded them

“You like me, you really like me!” Okay, maybe not everyone. But Missy does and she’s once again bestowed upon me an awesome award.

The rules are to list seven things you love and then pass the award on to seven others. What a coincidence because I’ve been working on a post since last Friday called 5 Things I Dig Right Now. All I had to do was come up with two more, change my post title, and, voila! Here they are:

1. Lost – Best.Show.Ever. Dave and I were still knee deep in diapers when Lost premiered and really couldn’t watch TV until the offspring were in bed (uh, we still can’t actually – thank God for the DVR). We rented season one of Lost a couple winters ago and got hooked. It was not unusual for us to stay up until 1:00 AM to watch “just one more episode.” We caught up and we’ve been watching ever since. I’ve been known to ask new acquaintances if they watch Lost just so Dave and I will have another person to discuss plot lines and theories with. Every Wednesday night, when Dave walks in the door from work, I announce “Lost is on tonight!”

2. Laser Hair Removal – I’m a brunette of Greek descent so I can either address the issue or walk around with a moustache. And ladies, if you’re snickering right now because you don’t think you need laser hair removal, please grab a mirror and head outside. Take a good, long look because it’s hard to hide a ’stache in the bright sunlight. Your car’s rear view mirror on a sunny day works well too. You’re welcome! No go inside and call a dermatologist immediately. It’ll take about seven laser sessions 30-45 days apart and then you too can resemble the hairless cat from The Real Housewives of New Jersey. P.S. I’ve also had all my underarm hair lasered off and can raise my arms above my head any damn time I want.

3. The French pedicure – my toenails will be French pedicured from now until September. In September I’ll switch to OPI’s Black Cherry Chutney and the in December I’ll switch to OPI’s I’m Not Really A Waitress or Rosy Mistletoe-sies. In January I’m supposed to let me toes go polish free, so they can “breathe” according to Dr. Wonderful who confirmed my funky toenail and made it go away but I never do (thus proving I don’t listen very well).

4. Target – I love this store and want to marry it. I love the fact that I can buy toilet paper, wine, and a new top all under the same roof. Target’s home decor and outdoor patio furniture also make me swoon. Recently I was forced to go to Kmart for purely logistical reasons and two of the three employees I interacted with looked like they had fetal alcohol syndrome. The other one looked like Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade. The plastic storage tote I wanted to buy looked like it had poop smeared on the side of it. I’m.Not.Going.Back.Ever.

5. 70’s music – Lately I’ve been indulging my inner hippie. I recently came up with the most awesome 70’s playlist ever. Burn it onto a disc and every time you listen to it you’ll feel like you’re consuming musical valium.

“Something In The Way She Moves,” James Taylor
“Sundown”, Gordon Lightfoot
“I Got A Name”, Jim Croce
“One Of These Nights”, The Eagles
“I’d Really Love To See You Tonight”, England Dan (RIP Dan Seals) and John Ford Coley
“Tuesday Afternoon”, The Moody Blues
“Nights In White Satin”, The Moody Blues
“Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone”, Bill Withers
“Have You Ever Seen The Rain”, Creedence Clearwater Revival
“Southern Cross”, Crosby, Stills, and Nash

The offspring like someone called Lady Ga-Ga but I had a hard time keeping my “Poker Face” straight a couple weeks ago when she gallivanted all over the American Idol stage with that zipper thingy over her eye. You would never catch Jim Croce pulling that crap if he was alive. Seventies artists were the real deal and their music will never go out of style in my opinion (reluctant confession: I also listen to “Undercover Angel” by Alan O’Day because that’s, like, a really good song too).

6. Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia is a 2006 memoir by American author and memoirist Elizabeth Gilbert. The memoir chronicles the author’s trip around the world after her divorce, and what she discovered during her travels (Wikipedia).

If you haven’t read this book yet, head to your local library and check it out. Reading this book made me feel like I was getting a contact high off whatever experience Elizabeth Gilbert was writing about. I had seen this book at Target and thought it looked “kinda boring” but it wasn’t. I immediately wanted to eat my way through Italy and if I didn’t loathe yoga so much, I would have totally tried to convince Dave that we should vacation on an ashram.

7. What do I love the most? My family of course. Dave because he lets me dink around on the Internet all day writing a non income-producing blog, Matthew because he’s my mini-me and a heck of a Rock Band drummer, Lauren because she’s my future shoe shopping partner in crime, and Chloe because every time there’s a thunderstorm she comes into our bedroom and jumps in bed with us like the offspring used to do when they were scared in the middle of the night.

Who am I passing this award on to? Good question. I don’t have enough blogger friends to come up with seven more people who haven’t already earned this award. So, what I’m going to do is find seven new blogs that I like and then start handing out awards willy-nilly to people I don’t know. But, that’s the only way to make new friends and I am nothing if not friendly. And snarky. And sorta bitchy. But it’s all in the name of humor because I find all of those things funny.

Because it’s my 100th post since I started blogging on November 6, 2008.