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And The Honest Scrap Award Goes To…….

  • January 31, 2010

Hey guess what? Despite my utter inability to get a single post written in the last two weeks I still have an award to post on this blog, courtesy of Funny Girl Goes Blog . The fact that she gave me the award months ago isn’t stopping me from finally fulfilling my award duties though. Hey, better late than never I always say.

I’m supposed to tell you ten true things about myself that no one else knows. Since I’ve told everyone for more than they ever wanted to know about me in the first place, I’m not even sure I can come up with ten new things. Yet here they are:

1) I am working on my second novel. I submitted two chapters of my first book to an online writer’s forum I frequent and while they said my writing was solid and the mechanics were fine, they also told me my chapters were boring and that I needed to structure the book differently.


I took the criticism to heart though and when I read the pages again, I could see what they meant. In the meantime, I had an idea for another book that I liked even better so I shoved the pages of the first book in a folder and started the second. I think I’ve been able to avoid the mistakes I made with the first book because of the constructive criticism the writers on the forum gave me. I may have 47 crappy unfinished novels shoved in a folder by the time I’m done but submitting a manuscript to an editor is on my bucket list and I will cross it off someday. Oh, and every day I print the pages of my current work-in-progress, three hole punch them, and put them in a white binder that Lauren decorated with kitty stickers because I am all high tech like that.

2) I like Coke versus Pepsi products, specifically diet coke. I will drink diet pepsi if I have to but I won’t like it and I’ll probably complain. I frequently have the Coke vs. Pepsi debate with my dad and my friend Stefani and so far we are at an impasse because no one is budging. I drink one diet coke a day, always with lunch.

3) I am fascinated by Mt. Everest and the people who climb it. I have watched countless shows about it on the Discovery Channel and I know all the different places the climbers reach on their quest for the summit. I don’t want to climb Mt. Everest, but I love watching others do it. I also love the book Into The Air by Jon Krakauer which chronicles the tragic events that occurred in a race for the summit in May of 1996.

4) I don’t like to travel because I can’t stand sleeping in hotels. This didn’t use to bother me but as I’ve gotten older, I can barely stand it. It doesn’t help that I read articles in the newspaper about the resurgence of bedbugs (why media, why?) and I can’t help but think about all the people who have done God knows what in the bed I am sleeping in. Shudder.

5) I like to listen to music really loud and I have always had the best stereo system I could afford (except now because I don’t want to damage the offspring’s ears). I’m pretty sure I already have significant hearing loss in one or possibly both ears. I was working out on an elliptical machine at the gym the other day and I had my 70’s super playlist cranked as loud as it would go which is why I didn’t hear the guy who came right up to me and grabbed my arm which made me scream. He thought I was his wife. I’m pretty sure I scared the crap out of him and now he can’t hear either but it’s totally his fault because he shouldn’t go around touching other men’s wives at the gym.

6) King cobra snakes scare the piss out of me. I can’t even watch Rikki-Tikki-Tavi even though it’s animated and has a happy ending.

7) I have to wash the outside of all fruits and vegetables, even things like cantaloupe and watermelon, before I will cut them and eat them. When I see people peel the sticker off their apple and eat it without washing it I’m practically apoplectic. When customers at the grocery store put their fresh produce in the grocery cart without putting it in a plastic bag first I stare at them openly and have to restrain myself from going over to them and saying, “You know that grocery cart is a holy fucking cesspool of germs, right? And, just out of curiosity, are you going to wash that before you eat it?

8) I should really have a hair power of attorney because I cannot be trusted to make good hair decisions on my own. If my hairstyle garners any compliments whatsoever, rest assured that, at my next hair appointment, I will fuck it all up by asking my hairdresser to do exactly the opposite of whatever she did that made it look so good, i.e. if it’s highlighted I’ll make it darker, if it’s long and layered and wavy I’ll hack it off and wear it all one length and straight.

9) I love watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, especially the shark attack files which sounds really morbid but it’s not like I have a time machine people. By the time I’m watching Shark Week, these people have already been bitten and/or killed. Unfortunately, I may have accidentally scared the crap out of the offspring because they like Shark Week too and have informed me that they will never, ever swim in the ocean. That’s okay though. The three of us can hang out on the beach scanning the waves for schools of bait fish and dorsal fins while Dave and everyone else swims. Discovery Channel? I’m sorry. Ocean swimmers? You’re welcome.

10) I like Glen Campbell and have several of his songs on my ipod. I don’t even care how unbelievably queer that makes me sound. Glen Campbell reminds me of growing up in the seventies and his music is pure nostalgia. My friend Ivetta and I made up a dance to “Southern Nights” for the school talent show when we were in 5th grade but we chickened out and didn’t perform. “Rhinestone Cowboy” will always remind me of my friend Ben because it is one of his karaoke songs and “Wichita Lineman” reminds me of my friend Bobbi because her husband Travis is a Lineman and I have been known to sing “I am a lineman for the county….” when we are having lunch together. I can’t help myself. My favorite Glen Campbell song is “Country Boy” (You’ve Got Your Feet In LA).

Now I just have to pick ten of my blogging buddies and let them know they have received this prestigious award. And to those that I choose? Don’t feel like you have to do this immediately, or at all if it’s not your thing. I just want you to know that I want to learn ten new things about you. Because I’m nosy.

I will be notifying the award recipients as soon as I compile my list of lucky winners.

Here are the rules for this award:

1. “The Honest Scrap” award is not one to hold all to yourself. It must be shared!

2. The recipient has to tell 10 true things about themselves in their blog that no one else knows.

3. The recipient has to pass along this prestigious award to 10 more bloggers.

4. Those 10 bloggers all have to be notified they have been given this award.

5. Those 10 bloggers should link back to the blog that awarded them

Hey, Guess What? Time magazine must not think I’m that offensive because they sorta let me be in their magazine

  • January 16, 2010

Last week I wrote a post about TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. You can read it here or you can just scroll down.

I received several nice comments from my blogging buddies and friends. And when I got home on Wednesday, there was one new comment.

Erin G said…
ok this is the funniest thing I have read IN WEEKS. Did you know that Time magazine quoted you today? (that’s how I found you.)

Anyway you’re hilarious and now I need to go read the archives because I am officially in an AWESOME mood. 🙂

Um, what? Me, quoted in Time magazine?

I don’t think so.

But then I googled and on the Time magazine website I found this (as always, click on any highlighted words and click back to return to the post).

I thought this was really cool. It’s one thing to over-share self-publish every random thought that pops into your head but it’s quite another to have a publication such as Time magazine quote one of those thoughts. I almost felt like a real writer.

I was so excited I printed the article and decided to show everyone at work. For those of you who are new to this blog, I have been a stay at home mom for ten years but since the offspring are both in school all day, I recently started working in our school district as a teacher’s associate which allows me to earn a little money and be on the same schedule as the kids. It’s working out well and my only regret is that working doesn’t leave me a lot of time for writing. I will have the summer off though so I’m hoping to write more then.

I had not told anyone at school about my blog because it’s rife with colorful language, rants about my neighbors, and posts about my love of wine and cosmopolitans. And not everyone likes that kind of thing which is fine because they can choose not to read it. But I really wanted to share this news with the teachers I eat lunch with because I had mentioned the TLC show a couple months ago and now I could tell everyone that, not only did I blog about it, but that Time magazine quoted it.

“Guess what guys? Remember when I was talking about TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant? Well, I write this humor blog and I wrote a post about it and Time magazine quoted it!” I pulled out the article and passed it around the teacher’s lounge at lunch.

Jill: You should tell our principal so she can send a message out to everyone.

Me: Nooooooooo! I mean, I actually don’t want everyone at school to know about it because it’s kind of, um, inappropriate.

Hillary had her laptop with her so she typed in the address of my blog so everyone could read the post.


Son of a bitch!

I just got done telling all the Real Teachers that it was a humor blog and now they were all going to think I was some sort of Internet sex pervert.

“It’s totally not porn!” I said. “It’s probably being classified as porn because I use the f-word so much.” I’m starting to get embarrassed at this point because they probably still think I’m all porn-y and now everyone also knows I swear like a truck driver on my blog. Any legitimacy obtained by being quoted in Time magazine is being summarily eclipsed by my potty mouth and my tendency to write about things that are considered adult subject matter. I’m a bit surprised that my blog would be classified as porn but then I remembered that I did use the word bone in this post. As a verb. Huh.

I’m glad you can’t access my blog from school. I have two children in the district and it’s good to know they can’t pull up anything they shouldn’t be looking at while they are on a school computer. And kudos to the district for having a solid barrier designed to boomerang dirty girls like me right back to the seedier side of the interwebs where we belong.

Anyway, I am still feeling pretty good about the Time magazine article. I did decide to moderate blog comments though in case any pissed off pooper/birthers found me and wanted to give me crap about the post. So far I haven’t received any.

I did have one comment for moderation but it was somebody thanking me for the information on hydroponics. I have used the word hydroponic twice on this blog but both times I was referring to Trish’s douchebag ex-boyfriend and the fact that he wanted to grow pot hydroponically in the spare bedroom of her townhouse. So I’m not sure what the person who commented meant by “providing information”.

I’m a little curious about it though. If you read this post, or this post, you might think this is a blog about something other than f-bombs and vampire sex. And I’m starting to wonder if the next publication I might be featured in is High Times magazine.

But that’s okay. I wouldn’t mind. And I’ll always be able to say that Time magazine once quoted me too.

Google Apps Can Suck It! (Not Jolly Though)

  • December 5, 2009

You may have noticed that funny in the ‘hood was missing for awhile. If you typed in, you saw this chick. I have no idea who she is.

What I found even more troubling was the completely random collection of words to the left of the photo of the chick I don’t know. It appears to be a list of topics about baby names but then about halfway down it says IRA and I don’t know if they mean the Irish Republican Army or the money in my retirement fund, neither of which has anything to do with naming babies.

What you didn’t see when clicking on was a picture of me FAH-REAK-ING out because my domain name had just expired and I couldn’t get it back.

To be fair, some of this mess was my fault. My billing info was incorrect because my bank is all willy-nilly with my account info and keeps sending me letters that say ambiguous things like “your account information MAY have been compromised so we’re sending you this new debit card just in case.” This means that every time I want to buy something online where I have a customer account (which Dave says is everywhere) I have to edit the card number. But I can’t edit it if I’m not given the opportunity to purchase something and that’s why this current snafu is mostly the fault of Google Apps and it’s because of them that I got all screamy and psychotic. Also, their customer service department is make-believe because every e-mail I sent them asking for help fell into a big black hole in cyberspace, never to be seen again.

I switched my blog from a blogspot domain to a custom one last November, shortly after I started blogging. I’m not sure why I did this because all it did was make me super googleable to prospective employers and my dad and step-mom (who I hope still don’t know about this blog because I use the f-word a lot and even though it’s not the case, my posts make it seem like I’m drunk all the time).

It costs $10 a year to host a blog on a custom domain name and I knew I was coming up on my renewal. Because we recently changed our e-mail address, I updated my Google Apps account accordingly and waited to receive the renewal link e-mail which would allow me to continue to host this blog on my custom domain address for another year. For some reason, the link was not sent to me and that’s when the trouble started. And it turns out that it’s almost impossible to get the link once your domain has expired.

I contacted, the third party that Google Apps partnered with for the original domain name registration. Unfortunately, they only handle the initial registration so they referred me to Google Apps for the renewal. And they were very nice and answered their phone when I called. They also sent me an e-mail so obviously their services are not make-believe and their employees actually exist.

Next, I tried to contact the Google Apps support team. It’s like they were hiding from me because I had to spend 15 minutes on my Google account page just trying to find their phone number (which doesn’t exist by the way). I finally found an icon I could click on to send them an e-mail so I typed the whole saga out and waited for help. I got an e-mail almost immediately. Apparently, if you e-mail their support team, you will get an e-mail from them with a bunch of help topic links, none of which will help you because they all pertain to domain renewals that haven’t expired. Every time I sent Google Apps another e-mail, I got the same computer generated help topic links e-mail. It was at this point that I considered flying out to California, marching into Google Apps headquarters, and kicking everyone’s ass.

After I realized no one at Google Apps was going to help me, I decided to switch back to hosting this blog at the blogspot address. I figured maybe I could switch and then just register for my domain name again in a few days. But when I clicked on the “host on a domain name” tab, this is what I saw.

Okay, I get it. Since my name is Tracey Garvis-Graves, and a “grave” is something you bury people in, Google was just being “helpful” when they suggested alternative domain names for me (FYI – is still available if anyone wants to snap that one up).

Anyway, I was starting to think my blog would just have to stay at its blogspot address and there wouldn’t really be any way to let people know it had moved from my custom domain. But then some dude named Jolly, from Google Apps customer service department, sent me an e-mail so I should probably admit that they aren’t really make believe, just incredibly slow at responding to their customers.

Jolly sent me the link to renew my domain name and then helped me transfer my blog back. But since Jolly lives in India in another time zone, he was sleeping while I was awake and vice versa which meant that I had to wait 24 hours between our e-mails which also meant that it took over a week to get my blog up and running again. And I don’t know what happened but I lost every single comment anyone has ever left me and that really bums me out because some of your comments were so funny I had actually planned to make a blog post out of them and now I can’t.

I thanked Jolly a million times for his help and thought about telling him I loved him but that would have been weird, right? At least I have his e-mail address saved so I feel like my link to Google Apps support is slightly less tenuous and you can bet Jolly will be hearing from me if I ever have another technical clusterfuck of this magnitude.

Now that I’m done spending all my free time getting my blog back, I can start writing and posting again. And that means that I’m pretty jolly too.

Happy Holidays everyone, I’ve missed you!


I Swear I’m Going to Get a Big Head

  • April 16, 2009

“You like me, you really like me!” Okay, maybe not everyone. But Missy does and she’s once again bestowed upon me an awesome award.

The rules are to list seven things you love and then pass the award on to seven others. What a coincidence because I’ve been working on a post since last Friday called 5 Things I Dig Right Now. All I had to do was come up with two more, change my post title, and, voila! Here they are:

1. Lost – Best.Show.Ever. Dave and I were still knee deep in diapers when Lost premiered and really couldn’t watch TV until the offspring were in bed (uh, we still can’t actually – thank God for the DVR). We rented season one of Lost a couple winters ago and got hooked. It was not unusual for us to stay up until 1:00 AM to watch “just one more episode.” We caught up and we’ve been watching ever since. I’ve been known to ask new acquaintances if they watch Lost just so Dave and I will have another person to discuss plot lines and theories with. Every Wednesday night, when Dave walks in the door from work, I announce “Lost is on tonight!”

2. Laser Hair Removal – I’m a brunette of Greek descent so I can either address the issue or walk around with a moustache. And ladies, if you’re snickering right now because you don’t think you need laser hair removal, please grab a mirror and head outside. Take a good, long look because it’s hard to hide a ’stache in the bright sunlight. Your car’s rear view mirror on a sunny day works well too. You’re welcome! No go inside and call a dermatologist immediately. It’ll take about seven laser sessions 30-45 days apart and then you too can resemble the hairless cat from The Real Housewives of New Jersey. P.S. I’ve also had all my underarm hair lasered off and can raise my arms above my head any damn time I want.

3. The French pedicure – my toenails will be French pedicured from now until September. In September I’ll switch to OPI’s Black Cherry Chutney and the in December I’ll switch to OPI’s I’m Not Really A Waitress or Rosy Mistletoe-sies. In January I’m supposed to let me toes go polish free, so they can “breathe” according to Dr. Wonderful who confirmed my funky toenail and made it go away but I never do (thus proving I don’t listen very well).

4. Target – I love this store and want to marry it. I love the fact that I can buy toilet paper, wine, and a new top all under the same roof. Target’s home decor and outdoor patio furniture also make me swoon. Recently I was forced to go to Kmart for purely logistical reasons and two of the three employees I interacted with looked like they had fetal alcohol syndrome. The other one looked like Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade. The plastic storage tote I wanted to buy looked like it had poop smeared on the side of it. I’m.Not.Going.Back.Ever.

5. 70’s music – Lately I’ve been indulging my inner hippie. I recently came up with the most awesome 70’s playlist ever. Burn it onto a disc and every time you listen to it you’ll feel like you’re consuming musical valium.

“Something In The Way She Moves,” James Taylor
“Sundown”, Gordon Lightfoot
“I Got A Name”, Jim Croce
“One Of These Nights”, The Eagles
“I’d Really Love To See You Tonight”, England Dan (RIP Dan Seals) and John Ford Coley
“Tuesday Afternoon”, The Moody Blues
“Nights In White Satin”, The Moody Blues
“Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone”, Bill Withers
“Have You Ever Seen The Rain”, Creedence Clearwater Revival
“Southern Cross”, Crosby, Stills, and Nash

The offspring like someone called Lady Ga-Ga but I had a hard time keeping my “Poker Face” straight a couple weeks ago when she gallivanted all over the American Idol stage with that zipper thingy over her eye. You would never catch Jim Croce pulling that crap if he was alive. Seventies artists were the real deal and their music will never go out of style in my opinion (reluctant confession: I also listen to “Undercover Angel” by Alan O’Day because that’s, like, a really good song too).

6. Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia is a 2006 memoir by American author and memoirist Elizabeth Gilbert. The memoir chronicles the author’s trip around the world after her divorce, and what she discovered during her travels (Wikipedia).

If you haven’t read this book yet, head to your local library and check it out. Reading this book made me feel like I was getting a contact high off whatever experience Elizabeth Gilbert was writing about. I had seen this book at Target and thought it looked “kinda boring” but it wasn’t. I immediately wanted to eat my way through Italy and if I didn’t loathe yoga so much, I would have totally tried to convince Dave that we should vacation on an ashram.

7. What do I love the most? My family of course. Dave because he lets me dink around on the Internet all day writing a non income-producing blog, Matthew because he’s my mini-me and a heck of a Rock Band drummer, Lauren because she’s my future shoe shopping partner in crime, and Chloe because every time there’s a thunderstorm she comes into our bedroom and jumps in bed with us like the offspring used to do when they were scared in the middle of the night.

Who am I passing this award on to? Good question. I don’t have enough blogger friends to come up with seven more people who haven’t already earned this award. So, what I’m going to do is find seven new blogs that I like and then start handing out awards willy-nilly to people I don’t know. But, that’s the only way to make new friends and I am nothing if not friendly. And snarky. And sorta bitchy. But it’s all in the name of humor because I find all of those things funny.

Hey, this post is kind of special

  • March 29, 2009

Glittering Thanks

Because it’s my 100th post since I started blogging on November 6, 2008.

I’d like to thank several people for being so supportive of my efforts especially Tom, Amy, Stef, Dave, Stefanie, and Trish since they were the ones I forced to read my first blog entries and demanded they “tell me if I’m funny.”

Kristi, Keri, and Cindy were also three of my early readers who encouraged me to keep writing by leaving positive feedback on my Facebook wall. I really appreciate it girls!

Louise is awesome! Not only did she forward my blog to Noelle, Elisa, and Cindy, she updated her Facebook status last week to “I think everyone should go to Tracey Garvis-Graves’ blog.” Louise doubled my blog traffic and gave me the highest number of hits I’ve ever received in one day. Thanks Weezie!

To Shellie, Shelly, Brooke, Stefanie, Trish, Kathryn, Lisa, Elisa, Andria, Missy, ReRe, and Amy, thank you for leaving comments on my blog. I get really excited when I notice I have a comment.

To my new blogging friends, thanks for convincing me to come out and play with you. I’m following you too now and look forward to good times in the blogosphere.

Lastly, can everyone come out and say hi today? If you’ve been lurking, this would be a great time to introduce yourself.

Thanks for reading everyone. I really appreciate it.


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