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TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant

The other night I was lying in bed trying to find something to watch on TV and despite Dave’s claim that switching from cable to satellite would give us loads of additional channels, my only choices seemed to be either Khloe and Kourtney take Miami or Keeping up with the Kardashians. Personally, I think the Kardashian family jumped the shark a long time ago and I’m not sure why they’re still all over the TV but whatever, I was certain I could find something better to watch on one of the other 70 million channels Dave said we now had.

And then I stumbled upon TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. I was so amazed that such a possibility even existed I forgot all about how tired I was and proceeded to stare at the screen transfixed. One by one, women started explaining how they didn’t know they were pregnant and they really just thought they were constipated and needed to take a poop and while I watched the show I could only think of one thing:

You have got to be fucking kidding.

As any woman who has ever given birth will tell you, not knowing you are pregnant, during the approximately 40 weeks you are growing a human being means that not only are you unobservant, you might be slightly out of touch with your own body.

I knew I was pregnant even before I peed on the little stick. My boobs were so sensitive just the wind blowing on them was agony. I felt certain that people at work could see them throbbing and would think something was terribly wrong with me. They got bigger immediately and Dave was all, “Wow! Your boobs are getting really big!” and I’d be thinking “Enjoy ’em now loverboy because in a few months you’re going to be all, “Wow, your butt is getting really big too.”

To be fair, I have two really good friends who did not know right away that they were pregnant with their second children because they had needed fertility treatments in order to conceive their first babies and neither of them expected to be able to conceive on their own. They were both pleasantly surprised when they discovered they were going to be blessed with another child. Yet neither of my friends actually went into labor, delivered a baby, and told everybody later, “You know, I didn’t expect there to be a baby, I just felt like I had to poop.”

And that’s why I’m starting to believe that maybe TLC has gone a bit “Jerry Springer” on me because they know shit like this (heh, heh, I said shit. I made a pun) is going to grab my attention and generate higher ratings and a whole bunch of talk ’round the old water cooler. I mean, who confuses labor with a #2? And then admits it! On TV!

If the women on I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant had never been in labor before it’s understandable they might not know what it feels like but it’s also like they’re a little sketchy on the mechanics of poopin’ too.

And I may not be as familiar with labor pains as professional baby mama Michelle Duggar, but I’ve done it twice and both times my main concern was figuring out how Freddy Kruger had gotten inside my uterus because it felt like he was trying to stab his way out with those finger knives every two minutes or so. Never once did I think, “Hey, maybe I just need to take a poop.” Yes, your stomach can feel kind of upset during labor and there’s the all too real fear of actually crapping on the delivery table but I can still tell the two bodily functions apart.

“Oh hi. You’re a baby, not a #2 “

I know I kind of look like shit here. It’s 2:17 AM and I just shot a 9 lb. 6 oz. baby out my hoo-ha without the benefit of any drugs whatsoever.

Can you imagine sitting down on the toilet and thinking something is going to come out of somewhere only to discover that something totally different came out a completely different orifice? That’s what happened to one of the women on I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. She thought she had to go to the bathroom so she sat on the toilet, grabbed the counter and the towel bar because it hurt so bad and her baby plopped out of her into the toilet water and when she tried to get up, she was slammed back down onto the toilet seat because she was still attached to the baby by the umbilical cord! And while she was in the bathroom all confused and laboring and delivering and stuff her baby daddy was sitting out on the couch with the popcorn bowl yelling helpful things like, “Hey, are you almost done in there?”

I mean, did it not occur to her to yell, “Put down the popcorn bowl you dumbass because something that is NOT a turd just came out and oh my God tell the paramedics they better haul ass!”

That’s what I would have done.

On the show’s website I found the following: We are looking for new stories for new episodes of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. Or, as they probably like to call it, more unaware women who had babies and not number two’s and aren’t afraid to have it re-enacted on national television.

Oh, and there was a woman on the show one night who didn’t know she was pregnant TWICE. Probably you can tell I watch this show a lot. I’ve seen all the episodes. Some of them more than once.

So, I’m guessing TLC pays these women to go on the show? There’s got to be some incentive for admitting you didn’t know what the hell was going on.

But in that case, maybe the women are actually pretty shrewd. Maybe they don’t care if everyone laughs at how clueless they are.

Perhaps they’re even laughing all the way to the bank.

Good for them. Maybe they’ll start a college fund for their little miracles.

P.S. Guess what other TLC show I’m obsessed with? My Monkey Baby. Oh my God, how I love this show.

P.P.S. And now I totally want a monkey baby.

P.P.P.S And I want to go to Baby Gap and buy cute little clothes for my monkey baby.

P.P.P.P.S. And I want my monkey baby to sleep with Dave and me in our bed.

P.P.P.P.P.S Dave just saw this and said my monkey baby cannot sleep with us.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S I know Dave will change his mind when I bring my monkey baby home so I’m not worried.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S And then we’ll be as happy as these two!

This Post Has 19 Comments
  1. I was just made aware of your amazingness today and I am seriously disappointed in myself! You are freakin’ hilarious! I can’t wait to share the content of your blogs when I walk with my friends! 🙂

  2. ok this is the funniest thing I have read IN WEEKS. Did you know that Time magazine quoted you today? (that’s how I found you.)

    Anyway you’re hilarious and now I need to go read the archives because I am officially in an AWESOME mood. 🙂

  3. Lynyrd Skynyrd!!! Why haven’t you friended me on Facebook? I tried to look for you quite a while ago and couldn’t pull you up. If I had known you were friends with Elisa, and had been reading my blog, I would have friended you a long time ago sister!(I sent you a friend request this morning). The above picture is from when I was pregnant with Lauren but my pregnancy with Matthew WAS pretty funny. Remember when I got on the wrong park and ride bus and spent like 20 minutes touring downtown DSM? Ah, good times, good times! So glad to re-connect Lynne 🙂

  4. Heather – Yes, I think all the women on that show are a wee bit porky ’cause they don’t seem to notice the extra baby weight. And I agree, wouldn’t 9 months of pregnancy be a lot more fun if you didn’t know you were pregnant? You could drink wine every day GUILT FREE!

  5. Hi Tracey, I read about your blog through Elisa’s facebook posts, and I have to tell you it has become even more of a guilty pleasure than watching the “Housewives” shows! Your writing is so much fun! To make it even more special, this particular blog reminds me of working with you, Elisa, Cindy, Louise, et al, and how much fun we had in those days- especially when you were pregnant with your son! I contend (to this day) that you were one of the most hilarious pregnant women I have ever met! Best regards and thanks for the entertainment! Lynne (Sommerschield) Wallace

  6. Now I’m scared to poop. I swear to God I named my baby Cooper long before he fell in the toilet. And I knew he was coming by the ultrasound and the baby shower my dumbass mother in law threw for me.

    But wow, how cool would that be to go through the entire pregnancy without a care in the world? Sign me up for that kind next time. I think it might involve hypnosis and heavy drugs.

    I hav ea question – are all the women on that show overweight? That’s been my suspicion with the whole “oops, I pooped a baby” phenomenomena.

  7. Penne – Your comment made me feel like I had to poop too. I had to take my monkey baby into the bathroom with me. It’s my velcro monkey baby. My monkey baby is already seriously cutting into my drinking time. Is it a crime to give wine to monkey baby? Hmmmm, pondering….

  8. I want a MONKEY BABY!!! Yeah, I don’t really believe these people when they say they don’t know they’re pregnant. Pretty scary that you don’t realize a human is growing inside of you. Did you watch the ‘My Huge Head’ show the other night on TLC? GAWD I love that channel.

  9. Oh I’m glad you all liked the post. I have been such a bad blogger lately and I started this post back on November 15th but just couldn’t seem to get it done. Having a job has really made it hard to blog at the volume I’d like. I hope you four ladies know how much I appreciate your patience and your awesome feedback. You are the best!

  10. Tracy I need to go to the ER now because I think I pulled a muscle in my back laughing so hard at your post. You f’in kill me. I wish you were my neighbor so we could watch these shows together. I am still hooked on that damn Kardashian show.

  11. Tim wants to know what is so funny…I can’t’ stop laughing long enough to tell him. And honey, I have never been pregnant, but I’m pretty sure I’d figure it out before I was actually “shitting” out the little shit. Love you…you keep me laughing. Thanks for the blog.

    elisa

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