I know I said I was not going to watch those attention whores out in Orange County anymore but I lied. Maybe I need some kind of twelve-step program or support group to wean myself off this producer manipulated and highly edited reality piece of crap. Every time I watch it, I feel myself getting dumber and yet I can’t stop.

When I saw that the little red light for the DVR was on and I figured out what it was recording I was all “hey Dave, Real Housewives is on. Wanna watch?”

And since Dave secretly likes watching the Real Housewives and probably wanted me to stop talking so he could have some peace and quiet he said “sure.”

This week’s episode of the Real Housewives had so many things I can make fun of I don’t even know where to start.

The show began with Tamra and her mom going out for dinner for the first time since her mom’s face-lift. She obviously went the whole extreme makeover route because her trailer park hairstyle had been replaced by a tasteful shorter ‘do and her makeup looked nice. I thought she looked great and the plastic surgeon did a good job.

Tamra asked her mom what she wanted to drink and her mom replied that her new look needed a new drink. Otherwise, she’d just have a beer. Tamra replied, “We took the beer out of you, remember?”

How fun! Tamra and Simon are both working on their own little Eliza Doolittle projects. Tamra’s husband Simon is going to class Tamra up (he started by making her go to etiquette class a few episodes ago because she doesn’t know how to hold her fork) and Tamra is going to class her mom up with a new face, hair, and alcoholic beverage. I can’t wait to see how they both turn out.

Tamra decided that her mom needed to start online dating so she signed her up. She suggested her mom’s user name could be ‘mom of the hottest housewife in Orange County’. OK, whatever Tamra. I hate to break it to you but Gretchen is way hotter than you are.

Tamra was helping her mom build a profile and when she got to the part where you have to choose your turn ons, something rang a distinct bell.

Tamra mentioned erotica, skinny-dipping, flirting, and candlelight. Hey! Those are Trish’s ideal match turn ons (except erotica, she FINALLY took that off after I threatened to do it myself). Tamra’s mom didn’t want erotica either but she was fine with the other three.

And by the way, last season Tamra went to her own plastic surgeon to get the size of her breasts reduced but I think that was a big fat lie because they are still huge, obnoxious, and distracting.

Tamra is not a big girl but her boobs make her look top heavy and cheap. I know I’ve mentioned getting my own boob job someday but just to clarify, it’s not because I want them to be bigger. I just want them returned to their original pre-pregnancy location.

The housewives took a girl’s only road trip to Vegas. The producers at Bravo aren’t dummies and they know a good opportunity to exploit drunken housewives when they see one.

They played blackjack and several housewives had a little trouble with math. Lynne didn’t even realize that getting twenty-one was a good thing. She also didn’t know if her home had air conditioning.

I can understand not knowing your cholesterol level or maybe your current homeowner’s insurance deductible. Maybe you aren’t sure if your car has four or six or eight cylinders. But not knowing whether you have air conditioning at home means that you are completely and certifiably stupid.

I had a mental image of Lynne coming home from a workout or playing tennis. As she opens the door she crosses her fingers and thinks to herself “I wonder if the MAGIC that controls the internal temperature of my home has cooled it down while I was gone. I’m awfully sweaty and the icy MAGIC feels so good when it’s hot outside.”

The other housewives (none of them members of Mensa) were totally giving Lynne a hard time about how stupid she is. And Lynne IS so stupid that she couldn’t even comprehend that they were making fun of her. I think she might have taken a few bong hits up in her room because she seemed even spacier than normal. She did finally say there was a big machine in the house and sometimes she heard it turn on so maybe that was the air conditioner.

The housewives went out for dinner and drinks and Vicki got really territorial about dirty martinis with blue cheese stuffed olives. Everyone but Gretchen already knew that was Vicki’s signature drink, DUH! But when Gretchen exclaimed that it was HER favorite drink and she had no idea Vicki liked them too Vicki got all pissed off and Gretchen was accused of being a copycat. Vicki, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery so cool your jets.

I don’t know why a grown woman would care if someone ordered the same drink. Besides, she’s going to drink too many dirty martinis and fall down later anyway. On last week’s episode (yes, I watched that one too) Vicki accepted an award in front of a big group of people and when she turned to walk away she missed a step and fell flat on her ass.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I think people falling down is hilarious and I laugh so hard I pee whenever anyone (including myself) wipes out. Tom thinks it’s funny too, which is why I’m saving a place for him next to me in hell.

When they were hanging out at the pool, Gretchen told everyone she’d rather be absolutely ridiculous rather than absolutely boring. She said that was actually her motto. I think she made her point spectacularly and Vicki finally had to tell her to go sit down and stop blowing the “hottie’ whistle she picked up somewhere.

Jeana mentioned that she and Lynne were past the hottie whistle stage and that was totally news to Lynne. News that did not go over well.

The housewives finally stopped wreaking havoc on the state of Nevada and got back in their limo and went home.

Next week, Tamra tries to work through her abandonment issues with her dad. Jeana goes on her first date since separating from Matt. And I need my head examined for knowing so much about this show. *****The Real Housewives of New York premieres February 17th!!!!!!!!!

Last night’s episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County began with Tamra and Vicki, and their families, preparing for a day on the river at Vicki’s vacation home in Lake Havasu to celebrate the fourth of July. The overall theme of the day was partying and Vicki and Tamra wasted no time in getting completely hammered. In the words of Chelsea Handler, whom I adore, those two were a hot mess. (As a side note they both wore these really cute cowboy hats and I plan on getting myself one to wear at Tom and Amy’s lake house this summer).

Throughout the afternoon, Vicki and Tamra continued to drink and Vicki was very upset because Jeana brought Frankie to the lake. Frankie is a former tenant of hers and she is currently suing him for back rent. Vicki would not join Jeana and Frankie at their table so Tamra acted as go-between and went back and forth between the two while simultaneously trying to prevent her three young kids from drowning.

Later on the boat, Tamra started stroking Simon’s you-know-what through his swim trunks. I hope Tamra was mortified when she watched last night’s episode. Vicki got hit in the head with a football which was funny because I thought it was like Karma telling her to shut the hell up.

The new housewife Lynne was featured heavily on tonight’s episode. She has the strangest set of breast implants I have ever seen. They are perfectly round and sit very far apart on her chest. Other than her horrendous boobs she has a good figure but I don’t know what the hell is up with her face. She has tanned herself into a handbag and she is quite a bit more wrinkled than the other housewives. Her two teenaged daughters are nauseatingly spoiled and will no doubt follow in the footsteps of their vapid mother.

Gretchen’s fiancé Jeff was in the ICU at the hospital but Gretchen was partying at another lake with her family and they showed her drinking and having a great time. Frankly I think she has some “daddy issues” because the way she and her dad interacted gave me the creeps. He was taking a picture of her while she pretended to ride a big yellow pool noodle. Meanwhile, Jeff’s children had flown in to be with their dad at the hospital. They showed Gretchen on the phone with Jeff later and it was really sad because she kept asking him if he felt better and he kept saying no. He sounded very sick and I could not understand her partying with her family while he lay there in a hospital bed.

This episode was hard for me to watch because last week I read an article in US Weekly that Jeff DIED last September. He must have been fighting his illness very hard during the last couple episodes and that bothers me.

I can only imagine what the producers of this show were thinking when they cast Gretchen as the newest housewife, knowing her fiancé was so ill. And I’d love to know what Gretchen and Jeff were thinking. I am going to HOPE that Gretchen really loved Jeff and that she did her best to take care of a dying man. I’m going to HOPE that she did everything in her power to help him face a terminal illness with dignity. Because if she was anything but sincere I don’t want to watch this show anymore. I hope that the producers really didn’t realize Jeff would lose his battle with cancer so quickly. But if they did, shame on them and shame on Bravo.

In the previews for next week’s show, they show the housewives ganging up on Gretchen for not being by Jeff’s side. They also introduce Lynne to the other girls and it’s always entertaining to watch the housewives haze the newbie. I’m sure next week will have all kinds of conflicts and startling revelations. For the first time since I started watching this show, I’m not sure I care.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta had their reunion show last night, followed by the season premiere of Season 4 of The Real Housewives of Orange County. I think we can all guess who the excited housewife in Dallas County was.

Generally I do not enjoy the reunion shows. The housewives are a bit boring when their lives are not filtered through Bravo’s fine editing process. And they mostly come across as bitching backstabbing little harpies. They are like sharks, turning to feed on the weakest link. The yelling starts to get on my nerves after a while and it’s such a Jerry Springer fest that I kind of start to tune out.

However, last night’s target was bobble head Kim with the bad weave so I paid a little more attention than usual. And apparently I was wrong. It’s not bobble head Kim with the bad weave, it’s bobble head Kim with the bad WIG! No wonder her hair always looked styled and curled and EXACTLY THE SAME. Maybe if I owned a wig (a good one, not a shitty big haired one like Kim wears) I would stop putting my hair in a ponytail 365 days a year.

In a failed bid to gain the sympathy of the other housewives, Kim started crying and talking about how during her “cancer scare” all her hair fell out after she lost 25 lbs. But it turns out she did not really have cancer and the hair loss was due to “some other stuff” (What stuff??? I NEED TO KNOW). The host kept saying over and over, “so you never really had cancer then?” which forced her to say no about 4 times.

The show continued with more bitching and yelling and frankly, I’m not sure any of those housewives showed much class last night. I though Lisa was until she told bobble head Kim with the bad wig not to mess with her “or she would flip her over the couch.” Lisa, you were doing so well! Now you’re just like the rest of them.

Anyway, I was really more excited about the season 4 premiere of The Real Housewives of Orange County.

The show opened with Vicki pricing big expensive yachts. She took her son Michael so she could “get his vote” and he told her to go for it. Uh, Vicki? I think Don should probably be checking out the yachts with you. You know, your husband? I am not a psychic but I think I see trouble ahead for Don and Vicki’s marriage. In Season 3, when she wistfully mentioned to Jeana that she sometimes wished she were single it was kind of a tip off to me. And probably Don when he watched the show.

There was a scene with Laurie and George at a restaurant and can I just say that Laurie is reaching the maximum allotment of Botox and Restalyne. She is starting to look “not cute” to me because there is something really scary going on with her face.

I like Laurie and have always thought that she was one of the sweeter housewives (some of the other ones will cut you just for asking if their boobs are fake) but she and George are quite possibly also completely clueless. They were sitting at dinner discussing where they should go on their honeymoon and after dismissing Dubai as a destination (except for shopping), George mentioned they should go to the private island owned by Charles Branson. Yoo hoo ding dong, it’s Richard Branson. Obviously George and Laurie were confusing Helter Skelter and the guy who owns Virgin Airlines/Records/Etc. Dave and I rolled our eyes at each other because we both knew who they meant and neither of us had to get up and Google either. So apparently you can be stupid yet very rich which is so unfair.

Then they introduced Gretchen, the newest housewife. She is 30 and engaged to a man who “looks like a younger Kenny Rogers.” He is also suffering from leukemia and apparently has a shitload of money. She admitted on camera that she was not physically attracted to him (she also said he resembled Santa Claus) but he was the first man who ever loved her like he does. Let me explain something Gretchen: Young+hot=boyfriend with big bucks. Ugly+rich=girlfriend with big boobs. Everybody clear?

It’ll be interesting to see how this season pans out with the addition of Gretchen. I foresee lots of drama between her and the other housewives, especially Tamra. Looks like Gretchen is gunning for the title of “hottest housewife in Orange County” and Tamra will not like that at all.

So come on everyone! Set those Tivos and DVR’s! My blog posts will make a whole lot more sense if you do.

During yesterday’s sloth fest I had the opportunity to watch one of my very favorite reality shows that I DVR’d on Tuesday, The Real Housewives of Atlanta or as I like to call that whole franchise, The Real Housewives of Crack Whore County.

I don’t even know where to start. And I beg of you, if you’re not already watching this train wreck of a show set those Tivo’s NOW!

First of all, I have never seen this level of vapidity and narcissism, even on the show that started it all, The Real Housewives of Orange County or it’s spin-off The Real Housewives of New York City, AKA, let’s ratchet this shit up a notch so we’re the only franchise being discussed around the water cooler.

Anyway, Tuesday’s episode was Kim centric which pleased me greatly because she is the bobble head with the bad weave that I most enjoy watching right now. When she announced the other day that she was 29 and looked “damn good” I actually snorted. She has celebrated her 29th birthday about 7 times. And for the record, Dave has been sucked into the vortex of this show with me but will probably vehemently deny it if anyone should ask.

Kim lives with a sugar daddy she affectionately refers to as Big Poppa. Big Poppa refuses to appear on camera and Dave and I have a few theories about that. Dave thinks Big Poppa is a huge, black, possibly retired, professional athlete. I think it’s Ted Turner. Oh come on, he lives in Atlanta, he’s rich, and he looks mean. And the reason I think it’s necessary to point out that he looks mean is because whoever Big Poppa is, he certainly is not going to win boyfriend of the year. If he were a nice guy, and really loved bobble head Kim with the bad weave, he would never, ever have agreed to bankroll her dream of becoming a country singer. BECAUSE SHE CAN’T SING. Surely he has heard her humming along with the radio. What kind of diabolical person would go as far as to contact a well-known producer and get them to let Kim go to their recording studio? And sing! Had Big Poppa not one inkling of how that would turn out? Does he not care? Are record producers in fact miracle workers? Big Poppa I think all of America and I feel you have some ‘splainin to do.

Then, and I crack up just thinking about it, there was a part in the episode when bobble head Kim with the bad weave meets with a vocal coach. She has trouble matching her voice to the notes the coach plays on the piano. She is obviously frustrated at having to do this and wants to know how it, like, comes into play when recording in the studio. Um, bobble head Kim with the bad weave, it’s VERY IMPORTANT because without that ability, your voice will sound like shit.

When she starts singing it is so cringe-worthy I actually want to mute it and run out of the room screaming. No one can be this clueless about their singing ability, or lack thereof.

I hope that by next week bobble head Kim has pulled her bad weave out of her ass and waved the white flag on a singing career. I’m pretty sure I will be disappointed.