The Real Housewives of NYC – Van Kempen’s House Party

I was really looking forward to last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of NYC for two reasons: I wanted to see Jill give Kelly a verbal ass-whipping for being late to her own Halloween party and I was stoked about the re-match between Bethenny and Kelly.

The episode opened with Alex and Simon heading down to Zarin Fabrics because even though Simon’s mind is like a steel trap filled with all kinds of organized information, the fact that they don’t have any window treatments for their fabulous Brooklyn townhouse slipped through the cracks.

They brought their devil’s spawn with them and I think this episode proves that putting those leash and harness thingies on kids is not always a bad idea. Frank and Joe were running around like hooligans while Jill cringed and waited for Alex and Simon to do something about it.

Simon and Alex were drawn to the red fabric and Alex stated that her and Simon’s style is dramatic and “has flair.” Like Jill, Alex and Simon have been drinking Gay Brad’s kool-aid because they let him decide exactly what they should buy.

Bethenny went to see Francky, her gay hairdresser, so he could trim up her weave and wash that gray right out of her hair. Francky wants to fix Bethenny up with his model friend and Bethenny says, “I don’t do models.”

Francky googled Bethenny and showed his friend a picture of her holding her dog while wearing a turquoise bikini and transparent raincoat which has to be the most ridiculous ensemble I’ve ever seen thirty-seven year old Bethenny wear. She, however, is thrilled with Francky’s choice and thinks the picture is a “good one.”

Personally, I think Bethenny needs to cut down on her caffeine consumption. She was talking non-stop to Francky and couldn’t seem to keep her mouth shut for very long. Bethenny knows the viewers think she is clever and funny but now it seems like she’s always trying to cram in as many one liners as she can every time she’s on camera.

Francky and Bethenny make a pact that if Bethenny hasn’t found a man by the time she’s forty, she and Francky will get married, have a baby, and live happily ever after while Bethenny pays the bills and they both do whatever the hell they want.

Back in Brooklyn, Alex points out that whenever she and Simon renovate, they always, always set a deadline so that things will get done on time (completely forgetting that the contractor will hold things up whenever he damn well feels like it, especially if he wants to fuck with the annoying people who have retained his services). Alex and Simon are under the gun because they’ve wisely chosen to host a housewarming party in five days, even though the townhouse doesn’t even look like the walls are finished.

They decide to invite everyone, including Ramona, and let each person decide whether or not to show up. Simon continues to hold out hope that he and Ramona will become besties and informs Alex that he and Ramona had a really nice moment after the tennis match and hugged for like 45 seconds.

Ramona has an appointment with her plastic surgeon even though there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way she looks. She does, however, want to maintain her looks because “if you look good, you feel good.” She also wants to talk about her sweaty armpits and what can be done about them so she doesn’t ruin all her cashmere sweaters. Gross Ramona, get some Secret Clinical strength deodorant and shut up. While she’s there Ramona also has some age spots removed and I have no idea why Bravo has wasted my time with any of this.

LuAnn Charlotte, Kelly Carrie, LuAnn’s niece #1 Miranda, and, LuAnn’s niece #2 Samantha go out and pretend they’re on Sex and the City instead of a reality show. LuAnn says that Kelly acts like she’s twenty-one anyway so she should fit right in with her young nieces.

Suddenly, barely bi-lingual Max sashays in to say hello which does not please LuAnn. Max sits down and tries to keep his hair out of his eyes. After Max leaves to go out to dinner, LuAnn asks Kelly how long they’ve been dating but Kelly won’t answer because it’s a big secret. LuAnn tells Kelly she should just let her hair down so Kelly reaches up and literally lets her hair down because she’s a complete retard.

Alex and Simon are still trying to get casa Van Kempen presentable for the housewarming party. Unfortunately, Simon has urgent business to attend to at the Super 8 motel he manages so Alex will have to handle everything while he’s gone. The townhouse is still in complete shambles and rain is leaking in because the door hasn’t been installed completely.

Bethenny goes on her blind date with the model and admits there is a slight language barrier. She orders her signature skinnygirl margarita for both of them. She is wearing a tight dress that shows off her boobies. She is rambling on like she had some cocaine before she left the house. She also mentions that she’s a ball-buster which I think would be better revealed by the “show don’t tell” method but that’s just me.

The Van Kempen’s get ready for the big reveal. While they’re waiting for their guests to show up, Simon runs around the room frantically straightening picture frames. He’s all dressed up in a shiny new black jacket.

Kelly slums it down to Brooklyn and arrives early and Simon thinks it’s because she’s trying to make amends for being so late to her own Halloween party. It turns out that Kelly’s only early because she has no idea where she is or how long it would take to get there so she allowed for extra time. I’m guessing that when the girl in the plastic bubble leaves Manhattan she’s totally screwed in finding her way back without some help. Alex and Simon point out once again where they are and how totally cool it is to live there because of all the actors and writers who live in Brooklyn.

When Bethenny arrives Simon thinks she is “gobsmacked” by how fabulous the townhouse turned out. Bethenny’s calls it “bordello” and “gothic” with all the black and red. The black duet blinds look horrible but Gay Brad told them they were fabulous so they had to buy them. The whole thing looks like it was decorated by a bunch of acid dropping vampires with bad taste.

Jill tells Kelly “I could kill you” for being late to her Halloween party. Kelly blathers on about her kids and parents being at her house and how she couldn’t just jump on the subway in her black bunny costume.

Simon and Alex think that everyone loves their renovation. Simon says, with a completely serious look on his face, that he and Alex’s renovation was “bigger” than Jill’s and that Jill was probably worried that he and Alex would “one-up” her again. Wait a minute, when did they “one-up” her the first time? I don’t know how to explain this scenario other than to say that Simon has clearly gone to his happy place in a parallel universe where reality is optional.

Round two for Bethenny and Kelly occurs at Jill’s apartment where they have all gathered for another charity meeting. Jill asked Kelly to come early so she and Bethenny could have a talk. Kelly has the same stupid P-O-O-P tables as Jill except they are her and her daughter’s initials.

Bethenny asks Kelly to sit down with her and hear her out. Bethenny says that every time she has seen Kelly, Kelly acts like she doesn’t know who Bethenny is or that she’s meeting Bethenny for the first time which is really hurtful and disrespectful.

Kelly says that she meets hundreds of people every day and she’s rude to them too!

Kelly apologizes to Bethenny and tells her that she’s sorry if Bethenny’s been hurt or insulted by Kelly not saying hello to her. Kelly tells Bethenny she has no reason to be mean to her and Bethenny says she thought maybe since Kelly said she is “up here” and Bethenny is “down there” that maybe she doesn’t say hello because she thinks she’s better than Bethenny.

Kelly then tells Bethenny she’s making a mountain out of a molehill and seems to have absolutely no recollection of their prior conversation during round 1. Kelly then inexplicably points out that they’re sitting on Ally’s bed (who is an adorable girl) and that Bethenny’s a beautiful woman with a lot going for her and Kelly once again tells Bethenny she won’t indulge her. Bethenny points out that she really seems to get Kelly worked up and Kelly says it’s because Bethenny keeps poking her. Kelly than wisely states that if Bethenny has a problem with her, she should come to Kelly so they can talk it out. Bethenny points out that that’s exactly what she’s doing. Kelly then thanks Bethenny for coming and ends the conversation saying that the air is clear. Bethenny points out that the air is not clear and Kelly starts saying “seriously Bethenny, seriously Bethenny ” in this really weird inflection, like she’s just so weary of the argument. Kelly did this in round 1 and I think she does it to buy time when she doesn’t know what to say next.

Kelly tells Bethenny that she should be mad at Bethenny for attacking her in front of her peers at the charity meeting but then tells Bethenny she looks adorable in her Zac dress and thanks her for coming.

Bethenny is just as confused about Kelly’s statements as she was in round 1.

Jill forgot to get wine and says that Ramona will implode if she can’t hook up her pinot grigio I.V. as soon as she arrives at Jill’s apartment. Kelly offers to go get the wine which allows Bethenny to tell Jill all about what transpired in Ally’s bedroom.

Next week is Part two of this episode (and the season finale!). May 12th is the Real Housewives of NYC reunion show and the premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I can hardly wait.