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The Real Housewives of NYC – Van Kempen’s House Party

  • April 29, 2009

I was really looking forward to last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of NYC for two reasons: I wanted to see Jill give Kelly a verbal ass-whipping for being late to her own Halloween party and I was stoked about the re-match between Bethenny and Kelly.

The episode opened with Alex and Simon heading down to Zarin Fabrics because even though Simon’s mind is like a steel trap filled with all kinds of organized information, the fact that they don’t have any window treatments for their fabulous Brooklyn townhouse slipped through the cracks.

They brought their devil’s spawn with them and I think this episode proves that putting those leash and harness thingies on kids is not always a bad idea. Frank and Joe were running around like hooligans while Jill cringed and waited for Alex and Simon to do something about it.

Simon and Alex were drawn to the red fabric and Alex stated that her and Simon’s style is dramatic and “has flair.” Like Jill, Alex and Simon have been drinking Gay Brad’s kool-aid because they let him decide exactly what they should buy.

Bethenny went to see Francky, her gay hairdresser, so he could trim up her weave and wash that gray right out of her hair. Francky wants to fix Bethenny up with his model friend and Bethenny says, “I don’t do models.”

Francky googled Bethenny and showed his friend a picture of her holding her dog while wearing a turquoise bikini and transparent raincoat which has to be the most ridiculous ensemble I’ve ever seen thirty-seven year old Bethenny wear. She, however, is thrilled with Francky’s choice and thinks the picture is a “good one.”

Personally, I think Bethenny needs to cut down on her caffeine consumption. She was talking non-stop to Francky and couldn’t seem to keep her mouth shut for very long. Bethenny knows the viewers think she is clever and funny but now it seems like she’s always trying to cram in as many one liners as she can every time she’s on camera.

Francky and Bethenny make a pact that if Bethenny hasn’t found a man by the time she’s forty, she and Francky will get married, have a baby, and live happily ever after while Bethenny pays the bills and they both do whatever the hell they want.

Back in Brooklyn, Alex points out that whenever she and Simon renovate, they always, always set a deadline so that things will get done on time (completely forgetting that the contractor will hold things up whenever he damn well feels like it, especially if he wants to fuck with the annoying people who have retained his services). Alex and Simon are under the gun because they’ve wisely chosen to host a housewarming party in five days, even though the townhouse doesn’t even look like the walls are finished.

They decide to invite everyone, including Ramona, and let each person decide whether or not to show up. Simon continues to hold out hope that he and Ramona will become besties and informs Alex that he and Ramona had a really nice moment after the tennis match and hugged for like 45 seconds.

Ramona has an appointment with her plastic surgeon even though there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way she looks. She does, however, want to maintain her looks because “if you look good, you feel good.” She also wants to talk about her sweaty armpits and what can be done about them so she doesn’t ruin all her cashmere sweaters. Gross Ramona, get some Secret Clinical strength deodorant and shut up. While she’s there Ramona also has some age spots removed and I have no idea why Bravo has wasted my time with any of this.

LuAnn Charlotte, Kelly Carrie, LuAnn’s niece #1 Miranda, and, LuAnn’s niece #2 Samantha go out and pretend they’re on Sex and the City instead of a reality show. LuAnn says that Kelly acts like she’s twenty-one anyway so she should fit right in with her young nieces.

Suddenly, barely bi-lingual Max sashays in to say hello which does not please LuAnn. Max sits down and tries to keep his hair out of his eyes. After Max leaves to go out to dinner, LuAnn asks Kelly how long they’ve been dating but Kelly won’t answer because it’s a big secret. LuAnn tells Kelly she should just let her hair down so Kelly reaches up and literally lets her hair down because she’s a complete retard.

Alex and Simon are still trying to get casa Van Kempen presentable for the housewarming party. Unfortunately, Simon has urgent business to attend to at the Super 8 motel he manages so Alex will have to handle everything while he’s gone. The townhouse is still in complete shambles and rain is leaking in because the door hasn’t been installed completely.

Bethenny goes on her blind date with the model and admits there is a slight language barrier. She orders her signature skinnygirl margarita for both of them. She is wearing a tight dress that shows off her boobies. She is rambling on like she had some cocaine before she left the house. She also mentions that she’s a ball-buster which I think would be better revealed by the “show don’t tell” method but that’s just me.

The Van Kempen’s get ready for the big reveal. While they’re waiting for their guests to show up, Simon runs around the room frantically straightening picture frames. He’s all dressed up in a shiny new black jacket.

Kelly slums it down to Brooklyn and arrives early and Simon thinks it’s because she’s trying to make amends for being so late to her own Halloween party. It turns out that Kelly’s only early because she has no idea where she is or how long it would take to get there so she allowed for extra time. I’m guessing that when the girl in the plastic bubble leaves Manhattan she’s totally screwed in finding her way back without some help. Alex and Simon point out once again where they are and how totally cool it is to live there because of all the actors and writers who live in Brooklyn.

When Bethenny arrives Simon thinks she is “gobsmacked” by how fabulous the townhouse turned out. Bethenny’s calls it “bordello” and “gothic” with all the black and red. The black duet blinds look horrible but Gay Brad told them they were fabulous so they had to buy them. The whole thing looks like it was decorated by a bunch of acid dropping vampires with bad taste.

Jill tells Kelly “I could kill you” for being late to her Halloween party. Kelly blathers on about her kids and parents being at her house and how she couldn’t just jump on the subway in her black bunny costume.

Simon and Alex think that everyone loves their renovation. Simon says, with a completely serious look on his face, that he and Alex’s renovation was “bigger” than Jill’s and that Jill was probably worried that he and Alex would “one-up” her again. Wait a minute, when did they “one-up” her the first time? I don’t know how to explain this scenario other than to say that Simon has clearly gone to his happy place in a parallel universe where reality is optional.

Round two for Bethenny and Kelly occurs at Jill’s apartment where they have all gathered for another charity meeting. Jill asked Kelly to come early so she and Bethenny could have a talk. Kelly has the same stupid P-O-O-P tables as Jill except they are her and her daughter’s initials.

Bethenny asks Kelly to sit down with her and hear her out. Bethenny says that every time she has seen Kelly, Kelly acts like she doesn’t know who Bethenny is or that she’s meeting Bethenny for the first time which is really hurtful and disrespectful.

Kelly says that she meets hundreds of people every day and she’s rude to them too!

Kelly apologizes to Bethenny and tells her that she’s sorry if Bethenny’s been hurt or insulted by Kelly not saying hello to her. Kelly tells Bethenny she has no reason to be mean to her and Bethenny says she thought maybe since Kelly said she is “up here” and Bethenny is “down there” that maybe she doesn’t say hello because she thinks she’s better than Bethenny.

Kelly then tells Bethenny she’s making a mountain out of a molehill and seems to have absolutely no recollection of their prior conversation during round 1. Kelly then inexplicably points out that they’re sitting on Ally’s bed (who is an adorable girl) and that Bethenny’s a beautiful woman with a lot going for her and Kelly once again tells Bethenny she won’t indulge her. Bethenny points out that she really seems to get Kelly worked up and Kelly says it’s because Bethenny keeps poking her. Kelly than wisely states that if Bethenny has a problem with her, she should come to Kelly so they can talk it out. Bethenny points out that that’s exactly what she’s doing. Kelly then thanks Bethenny for coming and ends the conversation saying that the air is clear. Bethenny points out that the air is not clear and Kelly starts saying “seriously Bethenny, seriously Bethenny ” in this really weird inflection, like she’s just so weary of the argument. Kelly did this in round 1 and I think she does it to buy time when she doesn’t know what to say next.

Kelly tells Bethenny that she should be mad at Bethenny for attacking her in front of her peers at the charity meeting but then tells Bethenny she looks adorable in her Zac dress and thanks her for coming.

Bethenny is just as confused about Kelly’s statements as she was in round 1.

Jill forgot to get wine and says that Ramona will implode if she can’t hook up her pinot grigio I.V. as soon as she arrives at Jill’s apartment. Kelly offers to go get the wine which allows Bethenny to tell Jill all about what transpired in Ally’s bedroom.

Next week is Part two of this episode (and the season finale!). May 12th is the Real Housewives of NYC reunion show and the premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I can hardly wait.

Flashback Friday-A Timeline of My Spiritual Life

  • April 24, 2009

I was baptized, confirmed, and married at Grandview Lutheran church in Des Moines, Iowa. Though I now consider myself a member of “the church of do the right thing” I think it’s cool that I have pictures of myself at Grandview Lutheran that span almost thirty years.

1967 – This is a picture of me and Trish at our baptism. My mom has downsized her beehive but only because it wouldn’t fit under her hat. I don’t know why my mom and dad look so serious because there’s no way Trish and I have gotten into any trouble yet.

“Rejoice,” said the pastor “for they will grow up to be fine young ladies” (or perhaps a potty mouth blogger with a penchant for f-bombs, red wine, and narcissistic over-sharing and a tequila swilling, erotica loving, trolling cougar). Only time will tell!

1982 – Trish, Stacy (one of our best friends), and I started attending classes at church every Wednesday night so we could be confirmed. We went on a weekend retreat as part of the confirmation process and as soon as the sun went down, our entire class paired off and hooked up. Apparently our adult chaperones did not take their supervision duties seriously or they felt that church kids on a retreat would never do something like that. Trish, Stacy, and I proved them wrong.

1996 – Here I am, once again at Grandview Lutheran but this time, it’s my wedding day. A sacred, special time when Dave and I will pledge to honor, love, and respect each other ’til death do us part. Right after I enjoy this beer. Because nothing says “bride to be” quite like a cold can of Bud Light consumed in the church nursery 10 minutes before you put on your headpiece and veil and take your vows.

Finally married! Check out the cross at the front of the sanctuary – it hasn’t changed since 1982! Also check out Trish and her crutches. She got super smashed at my bachelorette party, fell down Angie’s stairs, and broke her leg in about 17 places. Her cast is red to match the bridesmaid dresses!

Though I am not a religious person I’ll always think fondly of my time at Grandview Lutheran. It’s a beautiful church and I’m glad I have these pictures to help me remember it.

May peace be with you,


The Real Housewives of NYC-Unfashionably Late

  • April 22, 2009

**********If you are looking for the ‘TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ post, click here.

Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives was so boring, I almost fell asleep twice. Bravo dangled a big carrot in front of me by alluding to more Kelly shenanigans but didn’t deliver much in the way of drama, in my Real Housewife of Dallas County opinion.

The show opened with LuAnn and Count Chocula’s daughter Victoria coming home from boarding school for a weekend visit. Victoria has recently discovered shopping at Goodwill and tells LuAnn that she paid $9 for several scarves and sweaters. LuAnn misses a golden opportunity to commend Victoria for choosing to avoid conspicuous consumption but instead informs Victoria that they need to get her “paws” fixed while she’s home as it’s clear she is long overdue for a manicure. Later, while they are out shopping, Victoria tries to convince LuAnn not to buy a dress because she already has one just like it but LuAnn won’t listen, thus proving that sometimes children are smarter than the adults who give birth to them.

Next some douche from the BBC interviews Jill and tries to get her to admit that Americans, and their nasty spending, are the sole reason behind the entire world’s economic crisis. Frankly I don’t think Jill Zarin is the one they should be interviewing because even though she spends money almost as fast as Bobby can launder it, she doesn’t appear to be living above her means. Jill uses the interview as an opportunity to pimp her various charities and agrees that people who make donations to them may be feeling the pinch of a tighter budget. I think Jill handled the interviewer’s questions very well and defended her spending as something she could afford.

Kelly heads to the mall to get a new set of Glamour shots. She’s wearing her favorite pair of ripped up jeans for some totally bootylicious shots, yo! She also plans on using one of the pictures on the invitations for a Halloween party she’s hosting.

Jill meets with a fashion designer to finalize her and Ginger’s costume for a charity event/Halloween party that she’s attending with Ramona and Bethenny and their dogs. Jill and Ginger are going as Elle and Bruiser Woods from “Legally Blonde”. Ramona and her dog are dressed like Robin Hood and Bethenny dressed up as Roller Girl and dressed her dog cookie up as Roller Bitch. I’m going to dress up as Dorothy Hamill so I can wear ice skates because the day Chloe and I start attending parties together in matching costumes is the day hell freezes over.

Next up, Simon takes Alex to meet with a fashion designer named Maggie. All the clothes she designs are made from recycled materials. The Emperor Simon has paid the swindler Maggie $7,000 he doesn’t have (hey BBC interviewer, over here!) to commission the most fabulous new couture corset for Alex. The Swindler Maggie tells Simon that only those people who are truly on the cutting edge of fashion will realize just how totally awesome the corset is and all others will have to return to their native Australia right away.

Simon presents the corset, made entirely out of old burlap feed bags to Alex and he’s so excited by the truly fabulous garment that he turns into an actual girl.

“Jesus H. Christ,” Alex thinks. “What the eff has my gay husband done now? If I refuse to have my boobs held up by a freaking feedbag they’ll think I’m not edgy and don’t have any fashion sense and then they’ll make me go back to Kansas and live in the suburbs and that simply cannot happen because I live in Brooklyn, BROOKLYN DAMMIT! with all the other wannabe hipster posers and I’m not going back to the midwest and they can’t make me!”

Alex has no choice but to go on and on about how wonderful the crappy piece of burlap is. She then claims that she and Simon tend to be fearless with fashion and since she wants to wear the corset in as public a place as possible, she plans on wearing it to the opening night at the opera (where hopefully a tourist from my hometown will walk by and point out that the corset is ridiculous).

Next everyone shows up for Kelly’s frat Halloween party, except Kelly. Jill dresses as Marie Antoinette, Bethenny recycles her Roller Girl costume, and LuAnn trots out some American Indian garb, complete with a feather. Simon and Alex come as Sarah Palin and a moose.

Not only is Kelly a no-show but there’s a cash bar for God’s sake and the housewives are not happy about having to pay for their own skinnygirl cocktails. Bethenny delivers a speech about how not fabulous Kelly is and skates off down the street. The housewives finally give up on Kelly and leave to go to the other wonderful parties they’ve been invited to.

When Kelly and barely bi-lingual Max do finally show up she is wearing a black bunny costume because Party America didn’t have any more naughty nurse outfits. Kelly says her outfit is fun and flirty but since she’s a mom it can’t be over the top. Kelly admits she’s late but says that her girls had to celebrate Halloween and then she had to get ready (which would all be things I would have thought about ahead of time but whatever). Kelly looks around and gets upset when she realizes everyone has left but finally admits that what she did was “not nice” and halfheartedly defends herself by mentioning that she couldn’t call anyone because she can’t fit a Blackberry in her costume.

Next week, Bravo anticipates a spike in ratings as Kelly and Bethenny lace up their gloves for round two and Kelly tries to keep the other housewives from lynching her.

Dave and Tracey Had a Babysitter

  • April 20, 2009

Dave and I had a babysitter Saturday night. We hadn’t been out alone since we saw Slumdog Millionaire and I was really looking forward to going out for dinner and drinks. Our next door neighbors Brooke and Spence were able to get a sitter too so they joined us for a night out.

We decided to go to Sam and Gabe’s, one of my favorite restaurants. It was going to be a long wait for dinner so we squeezed ourselves around a small table in the bar area and ordered drinks. Dave and I always split a bottle of La Crema pinot noir when we go to Sam and Gabe’s but they stopped carrying it so we settled on a bottle of syrah instead.

Our table was finally ready after an hour and a half. We sat down and ordered more wine and drinks. I chose Italian nachos for my dinner which is actually an appetizer but there are a lot of them so it’s easily enough for a meal. The chips are deep fried and puffy yet also crispy. There is crumbled Italian sausage and some sort of white sauce on top. I order them almost every time we go to Sam and Gabe’s.

After we finished eating we discussed where we should go next. We wanted to listen to music so we asked the wait staff to recommend something. They didn’t have many ideas but finally suggested Denny Arthur’s.

Denny Arthur’s is a dance club for the “over thirty crowd.” It was quite popular during the 90’s and I didn’t even realize it was still open for business. Somehow, it seemed like the perfect choice and it was conveniently located around the corner from Sam and Gabe’s. One quick shortcut through a Perkins restaurant parking lot and we were there.

There wasn’t anywhere to sit when we first walked in but, utilizing a maneuver I perfected in my twenties, I noticed an empty table and shot like a bullet from a gun toward it before anyone else could claim it. We sat down and just then, I heard the opening notes of AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell.”

Brooke and I hit that dance floor like it was our job. My entrance would have been much more graceful had I realized it was a sunken dance floor because I totally missed the step down and went flying. From then on, whenever we entered or exited the dance floor I was all, “be careful there” while pointing at the step.

We danced without inhibition. The dance floor wasn’t very crowded which was a good thing as we were using every bit of available space. Spence and Dave had a great view of us so we really ramped up the Solid Gold dancer show. I opened with the classic housewife move which involves raising your arms above your head and spinning around while shouting, “woo-hoo!” Then Brooke tried to do a herky but she did a stag so I showed her what a herky was and she did that too. Not to be outdone, I started doing “The Running Man” and quickly followed up with a little Saturday Night Fever (a la John Travolta) and THEN I started doing I’m Bernadette
and cracked myself up so much I had to leave the dance floor and go to the bathroom before I had a pee-pee accident in my new white pants.

When I returned to the dance floor I felt like the class clown. Brooke and I had to keep coming up with new dance moves to entertain Dave and Spence who were laughing their asses off at us. The fact that we had a captive audience did nothing to temper our behavior; frankly it’s the only explanation I can think of for why I pretended to lasso something with my left hand while smacking my own ass with my right. Dave and Spence seemed to really enjoy that move.

The post-dinner buzz that had been so strong when we arrived began to diminish and some of my inhibitions started to return. The dance floor was getting more crowded and Dave and Spence could hardly see us. They were, however, still able to catch a glimpse of me doing “The Sprinkler” and “The Robot” which I am really good at. I also did various other dances I made up all by myself.

At one point, Brooke sent her mom a text to let her know we were at Denny Arthur’s. Her mom texted back immediately, “Oh dear God, we’ll be there in a flash.” Brooke’s parents arrived at Denny Arthur’s soon after and we immediately drug her mom onto the dance floor (she had no trouble with the tricky step).

We danced to several more songs and then took a break while all the Denny Arthur’s regulars did a bunch of dorky line dances.

We returned to the dance floor for “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy”, “Redneck Woman”, “All Summer Long”, and “Rock Star.”

I honestly can’t remember the last time I danced in a bar. We were having so much fun I didn’t want to leave but we’d told our babysitter we’d be home by midnight so we reluctantly called it a night.

I don’t think Spence and Dave had quite as much fun as Brooke and I did. We all rode together in one car and Dave took his designated driver responsibilities pretty seriously so I think things would have been different for him had he been able to drink a little more. I’m sure Dave and Spence had a very entertaining evening and I think we might have gotten them out on the dance floor eventually, if we’d bothered to ask them.

They say you should dance like nobody’s watching and I think Brooke and I can cross that one of our lists, even if everyone really was .

It wasn’t an inexpensive evening by any means. By the time we paid for dinner, drinks, and a sitter we’d made a pretty good dent in our entertainment budget.

But it was money well spent because in my opinion? Nights that are that fun are absolutely priceless.

Friday night happy hour

  • April 18, 2009


Amy, Cindy, and I went out for happy hour Friday night. Kristi was supposed to go but she blew us off to go to a jewelry party (dude, seriously?)

At one point during the evening Amy said, “I’m going to send you a text.” That was odd since I was sitting right next to her. She’s known me since we were five so she probably figured my head would spin like Linda Blair’s if she said, “don’t look now but…..” She’s all covert like that.

The text said, “Is that Bobby from the class of ’83 sitting at the table next to us”? I turned my head slightly under the guise of reaching for my purse hanging over the back of my chair. It was him. It took a minute for me to reconcile the face of forty-four year old Bobby with the one I remember when he was an eighteen year old senior in high school. He still looked a lot like he did in high school although his goatee had more than a hint of gray.

Our high school in the suburbs of Des Moines was small enough that we pretty much knew not only those in our own class, but everyone in the other classes as well. We weren’t a particularly clique-y school, at least not in my recollection. We had the stoners, who sat out by the bleachers on their lunch hour smoking and drinking Mountain Dew from long neck bottles and then there were the rest of us. Though it wouldn’t be long after graduation before my Honda Prelude and dorm room at college would carry a hint of eu de Cheech and Chong, the thought of getting high on schoold grounds, during the school day, was as foreign to me as not taken college prep classes.

Amy said, “should we say hi”? and my three Miller Lites said, “Sure!”

I turned to his table and said, “Are you Bobby?” And he said, “Hi Tracey. Hi Amy.”

Yay! I must look just like I did in high school too.

Wait a minute. Do I want to look like I did in high school?

I’d gotten my eyebrow situation under control and my hair was much better than it was circa 1983 but still, wouldn’t it have been preferable if Bobby had been unable to place me? Then again, since I tenned my face into boot leather in my twenties I’m lucky my face hadn’t aged so dramatically as to render me unrecognizable.

Flashback Friday

  • April 17, 2009

I thought I’d try something new today since I don’t have a lot of time to post (and, if I’m being honest, no idea what to write about today if I did have more time.)

So, welcome to Flashback Friday! I thought it would be fun to post pictures from my past on this blog. They might be of me, my family, or my friends. You never know who will show up on Flashback Friday.

And to all my friends in real life? Yes, you should be afraid.

To kick off Flashback Friday I thought I’d post a couple pictures of me as an infant and since I’m a twin every picture will include Trish. Huh. Maybe that’s why I’ve turned into such an attention whore. I’m making up for forty-two years of having to share a birthday, the limelight, whatever. Just kidding Trish. Sorta.

This is a picture of my mom and dad holding me and Trish. I have no idea which baby is me. The reason I chose this picture is not so you can see what I looked like as a baby but rather so you could see my mom’s hairdo.

When Matthew was a baby I remember not getting my teeth brushed until 2:00 PM so how in God’s name did she have time to do that? With little baby twins!

Here she is again, just lounging around in her elaborately constructed beehive.
Granted, this was 1967 so that updo probably went “up” on Monday and came “down to be washed” seven days later, but still. Actually there is only one of us in this picture (let’s say it’s me.) Trish must be rolling around on the floor somewhere next to an un-childproofed electrical outlet and a lead-painted toy.

My mom also left the hospital weighing a few pounds less than she did when she got pregnant.

I gotta give her credit where credit is due because she could just as easily have put her unwashed hair up in a butterfly clip for six months while she struggled to lose fifty post-partum pounds.

Not that I’d know anything about that.

I Swear I’m Going to Get a Big Head

  • April 16, 2009

“You like me, you really like me!” Okay, maybe not everyone. But Missy does and she’s once again bestowed upon me an awesome award.

The rules are to list seven things you love and then pass the award on to seven others. What a coincidence because I’ve been working on a post since last Friday called 5 Things I Dig Right Now. All I had to do was come up with two more, change my post title, and, voila! Here they are:

1. Lost – Best.Show.Ever. Dave and I were still knee deep in diapers when Lost premiered and really couldn’t watch TV until the offspring were in bed (uh, we still can’t actually – thank God for the DVR). We rented season one of Lost a couple winters ago and got hooked. It was not unusual for us to stay up until 1:00 AM to watch “just one more episode.” We caught up and we’ve been watching ever since. I’ve been known to ask new acquaintances if they watch Lost just so Dave and I will have another person to discuss plot lines and theories with. Every Wednesday night, when Dave walks in the door from work, I announce “Lost is on tonight!”

2. Laser Hair Removal – I’m a brunette of Greek descent so I can either address the issue or walk around with a moustache. And ladies, if you’re snickering right now because you don’t think you need laser hair removal, please grab a mirror and head outside. Take a good, long look because it’s hard to hide a ’stache in the bright sunlight. Your car’s rear view mirror on a sunny day works well too. You’re welcome! No go inside and call a dermatologist immediately. It’ll take about seven laser sessions 30-45 days apart and then you too can resemble the hairless cat from The Real Housewives of New Jersey. P.S. I’ve also had all my underarm hair lasered off and can raise my arms above my head any damn time I want.

3. The French pedicure – my toenails will be French pedicured from now until September. In September I’ll switch to OPI’s Black Cherry Chutney and the in December I’ll switch to OPI’s I’m Not Really A Waitress or Rosy Mistletoe-sies. In January I’m supposed to let me toes go polish free, so they can “breathe” according to Dr. Wonderful who confirmed my funky toenail and made it go away but I never do (thus proving I don’t listen very well).

4. Target – I love this store and want to marry it. I love the fact that I can buy toilet paper, wine, and a new top all under the same roof. Target’s home decor and outdoor patio furniture also make me swoon. Recently I was forced to go to Kmart for purely logistical reasons and two of the three employees I interacted with looked like they had fetal alcohol syndrome. The other one looked like Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade. The plastic storage tote I wanted to buy looked like it had poop smeared on the side of it. I’m.Not.Going.Back.Ever.

5. 70’s music – Lately I’ve been indulging my inner hippie. I recently came up with the most awesome 70’s playlist ever. Burn it onto a disc and every time you listen to it you’ll feel like you’re consuming musical valium.

“Something In The Way She Moves,” James Taylor
“Sundown”, Gordon Lightfoot
“I Got A Name”, Jim Croce
“One Of These Nights”, The Eagles
“I’d Really Love To See You Tonight”, England Dan (RIP Dan Seals) and John Ford Coley
“Tuesday Afternoon”, The Moody Blues
“Nights In White Satin”, The Moody Blues
“Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone”, Bill Withers
“Have You Ever Seen The Rain”, Creedence Clearwater Revival
“Southern Cross”, Crosby, Stills, and Nash

The offspring like someone called Lady Ga-Ga but I had a hard time keeping my “Poker Face” straight a couple weeks ago when she gallivanted all over the American Idol stage with that zipper thingy over her eye. You would never catch Jim Croce pulling that crap if he was alive. Seventies artists were the real deal and their music will never go out of style in my opinion (reluctant confession: I also listen to “Undercover Angel” by Alan O’Day because that’s, like, a really good song too).

6. Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia is a 2006 memoir by American author and memoirist Elizabeth Gilbert. The memoir chronicles the author’s trip around the world after her divorce, and what she discovered during her travels (Wikipedia).

If you haven’t read this book yet, head to your local library and check it out. Reading this book made me feel like I was getting a contact high off whatever experience Elizabeth Gilbert was writing about. I had seen this book at Target and thought it looked “kinda boring” but it wasn’t. I immediately wanted to eat my way through Italy and if I didn’t loathe yoga so much, I would have totally tried to convince Dave that we should vacation on an ashram.

7. What do I love the most? My family of course. Dave because he lets me dink around on the Internet all day writing a non income-producing blog, Matthew because he’s my mini-me and a heck of a Rock Band drummer, Lauren because she’s my future shoe shopping partner in crime, and Chloe because every time there’s a thunderstorm she comes into our bedroom and jumps in bed with us like the offspring used to do when they were scared in the middle of the night.

Who am I passing this award on to? Good question. I don’t have enough blogger friends to come up with seven more people who haven’t already earned this award. So, what I’m going to do is find seven new blogs that I like and then start handing out awards willy-nilly to people I don’t know. But, that’s the only way to make new friends and I am nothing if not friendly. And snarky. And sorta bitchy. But it’s all in the name of humor because I find all of those things funny.

The Real Housewives of NYC – Wife in the Fast Lane

  • April 15, 2009

Maybe I should change the name of this blog to A Snarky Housewife in Dallas County because lately all I seem to be doing is writing about those silly ladies on Bravo.

The episode opens with Jill stating that “in New York, women work, women have to work. I’m a trained business woman, retail is in my blood. And it just happened to be lucky that I fell in love with Bobby and he has a retail store so I was able to get back into it.”

They’re introducing a new eco-friendly fabric line at Zarin Fabrics so Jill invited all the housewives down to the store. Yawn!

Ramona and Mario show up and Jill made sure to point out to Mario that “this is where I work.” Jill and Mario re-hashed the tennis match argument for the fifty-eleventh time. Jill waved the white flag because she said it was easier than fighting with Mario and his huge ego.

Mario then grills Simon (who Mario calls a fashionista) about why he wore such an effing dorky outfit straight out of seventh grade gym class for the tennis match. Simon replied that he hasn’t played tennis since seventh grade and that’s the outfit he ran out and bought at the last minute.

Bethenny mentions that the rules of dating have changed since tanorexic Ramona and her chignon gave dating advice to Cosmopolitan magazine. Bethenny thinks men should think of her vagina as a vase and if you’ve had sex with her, it’s time to send flowers. Jill loves that line and wishes Bobby would disappear so she could bar hop and pick up dudes with Bethenny.

Shiny greasy Kelly and Max arrive at the Zarin Fabrics party. Old gay Brad has too much to drink and makes a total ass of himself by drooling over Max and following him around. Max and Kelly get into a pillow fight and Kelly smears her shiny greasy face all over the Zarin’s expensive fabrics.

Bethenny heads to Greenwich to set up a display of her baked goods at a local grocery store. She is dismayed to discover that pretty much no one in Connecticut wants a cookie or a cupcake. She is asked by some old lady where the rotisserie chickens are.

LuAnn meets with her ghost-writer so she can hammer out some more details for her boring etiquette book. LuAnn explains the absolutely scintillating do’s and dont’s of kissing hello and how there is no way in hell she’d ever go dutch on a date. She also doesn’t like people who talk too much (which is funny because she never seems to shut her pie-hole). To be fair, neither do I.

Kelly goes to L.A. to meet with her friend Pascal. Her jewelry line started with the owl and now she’s planning to expand. Dave and I thought the owl necklaces were butt ugly and look like something a grandma would wear. And instead of an owl they sorta looked like big, gold, hairy tarantulas to me. Kelly thought they looked awesome but I think they are atrocious and all my friends would make fun of me if I showed up wearing one.

Next we see Jill pretending to work at Zarin Fabrics again. She assists two gay men who are looking for fabric for drapes. They thought Jill was amazing because all they had to tell her was “preppy” and she knew exactly what to show them. Jill asks them if they’re handy and they say “no, we’re gay.” Jill goes on to say that she “loves selling, it’s not work, and it comes from the soul.”

For some inexplicable reason, Bravo decides to show Kelly running through the streets of New York, dodging taxis and inhaling a shitload of exhaust. Kelly says, “running in New York is one of the most exhilarating things you can do.” I’m thinking it’s one of the more dangerous and foolhardy things you can do but what do I know. Kelly says she “loves to run in the traffic trenches.” I kept waiting to hear the music from Rocky as Kelly runs along in her black shorts, hair flying behind her. I have no idea what to say about this scene except superfluous, unnecessary, and WTF?

Jill invites Kelly to go with her to meet a bag designer. Jill admits that with the economy in shambles, dropping $16,000 on a bag is more appropriate than the jewelry she usually commands. I couldn’t resist pointing out to Dave that $385 for a Dooney and Bourke seems downright cheap compared to the sixteen grand Jill Bobby was about to spend.

There was a lot of book promoting on the show last night. Both Bethenny and The Countess pimped their book covers. I think one of the Orange County housewives should write a book. Wait, no I don’t.

A magazine crew from (Des Moines!) show up to photograph Jill’s newly renovated apartment. Jill asks if they have a P.P., aka a private plane. The gal from Des Moines later gets shit faced drunk and laughs about how non classy the fauxcialites in New York are.

Ramona invites some friends, including Bethenny, over to sample her skin care line. Bethenny tries to offer advice about building a brand but Ramona covers her ears and says “la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I can’t hear you, la, la, la, la, la.” Ramona then goes on to tell everyone that Jill builds Bethenny up because she likes an “underdog.” One of Ramona’s friends tries to point out that Jill probably doesn’t think Bethenny is an underdog and Ramona sticks her fingers back in her ears and resumes la,la,la-ing.

I bet a wine glass full of chardonnay from the fountain of youth that Bethenny’s thinking: “Underdog my ass, you old whore. You’re gonna die way before me ’cause you’re old and my vagina/vase is going to be overflowing with flowers while you’re stuck with Mario.”

Simon plans a series of surprises for Alex’s birthday. He sends a car to pick her up at work. I’m not sure what’s going on with Alex’s hair lately but it looks like she’s doing some awkward French braid thingy and it’s drawing attention to her thin lips. I think she should visit and upload her picture and then try on some new do’s like I do when I need to change my look.

Simon takes Alex to a jewelry designer and they pick out a pair of dangly earrings. After that, things get weird. Simon wants the driver to take an alternate route home, because he’s all tricky like that, and he wants Alex to think they’re not going home to celebrate with the kids when they really are.

The driver ruins everything by missing a crucial turn-off and Simon starts dropping a rapid fire series of f-bombs. Alex has a weird look on her face, like maybe she realizes the anger management classes aren’t working. She fails to address Simon’s behavior the same way she and Simon refused to address the behavior of their misbehaving hooligan kids in season 1. Simon’s blood pressure finally goes down and he and Alex head inside to have cupcakes with their future juvenile delinquents.

In the preview for next week’s episode, Kelly appears to be up to her old tricks and pisses everyone off by not being as fabulous as she thinks she is.

Set your DVR’s now kids, you won’t want to miss it!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Preview

  • April 14, 2009

Oh Bravo, how you love to yank my chain.

The newest installment of the Real Housewives franchise could have been located anywhere. Houston, Chicago, Boston, even Minneapolis.

But what would be the fun in that?

Bravo’s turned the tables on us all by serving up the mother lode of geographical stereotyping with the debut of The Real Housewives of New Jersey (insert your own references to the Jersey Shore, big hair, and Bon Jovi).

This particular franchise had me a bit confused. Almost everyone on this show is related to each other by blood or marriage. I almost had to construct a flow-chart to keep everyone straight. It was a short episode so I think the best thing to do is to introduce everyone and provide my own special commentary which really means I’m going to make fun of them.

Caroline Manzo is the family matriarch and she scares the crap out of me. I have no doubt that if you’d like someone to swim with the fish while wearing concrete boots, she could make it happen. She’s been married to Al for 25 years and tells us that “my husband spoils the shit out of me.” My guess is that he spoils his mistress a little more. Al runs a “premiere” catering facility called The Brownstone that has been in the family for over 30 years. Caroline has three children: Albie, who is in law school, Christopher, a “get rich quick” entrepreneur, and Lauren who works for the family business. Christopher wants to open a car wash/strip club and Caroline tells him “let’s run a respectable strip club, one mommy can be proud of.”

Dina Manzo is Caroline’s younger sister. She is also married to Caroline’s husband’s brother Tommy. She is the founder of Project Ladybug and also works as an interior designer and event planner. She has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage. In the preview episode Dina is show interviewing a young man for a position as her assistant. She asks him if her hairless cat is cute or ugly? (Me raising hand) Ugly! Ugly! The young man says cute. She then asks him if he’ll wash her car and buy her tampons. He says yes. No one asked me but I used to work in Human Resources and these are so not appropriate interview questions.

Jacqueline Laurita and her husband Chris (who is Caroline and Dina’s brother) moved from Vegas to New Jersey which Jacqueline refers to as the “armpit of the earth.” They have a six year old son and Jacqueline also has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage. Jacqueline seems to be the peacemaker of the bunch and Dina mentions that “Jacqueline’s heart is as big as her boobies.” Dina also mentions later in the episode that she thinks Jacqueline is “obsessed with her” and tries to copy everything she does.

Teresa Giudice has been married to Joe for eight years. They are parents to three girls and are in the process of building their dream home. In the preview episode, Teresa and Joe visit a plastic surgeon for a consultation on how to make Teresa’s boobs bigger. Her husband pushes for the bigger size because “won’t they shrink?” (No, stupid, they won’t). Later, Dina points out that Teresa is the “jewelry whore” of the group. Teresa’s philosophy? Happy Wife, Happy Life (I already told Dave I’m getting me a t-shirt with that slogan on it).

Danielle Staub has the most inflammatory quote of the night: “You’re either gonna love me or hate me” which loosely translated means “the shit I pull is gonna send Bravo’s ratings through the roof.” Danielle, who has been engaged nineteen times, is now divorced and waiting for her ship to come in divorce settlement. Since the divorce, Danielle mentions she has had no financial freedom and needs that settlement soon. Hey, that sounds familiar. Sheree from The Real Housewives of Atlanta was waiting for a settlement too! Danielle seems to spend all her time working out and having phone sex with a dude she met online who goes by the handle “Gucci Model.” Say it with me, ewwwwwwww!! In the preview episode Danielle is preparing to go on a blind date with him which I thought usually came before having phone sex with someone(silly me). Also, and I didn’t quite catch this even though Dave and I hit rewind on the DVR about six times, but Teresa mentions something at the end of the episode about “Gucci model” (I think) going to Danielle’s house every day “for his, um, routine blow-job.” Um, what?

After all the housewife introductions, things really get weird and the episode ends with Teresa pushing over an entire table elaborately set with dishes and glassware. The rumors and accusations start flying and we hear words like “prostitution”, “kidnapping”, and “Columbian cartels”.

I’m off to make a paper chain like the one the offspring made when they counted down the days until Santa would arrive.

Because May 12th cannot get here soon enough!

You! Suck! McDonald’s!

  • April 13, 2009

I recently posted about a weekly occurrence in our household called McDonald’s Monday.

Unfortunately, despite my quality control, a six piece order of Mcnuggets did not make it into the bag with the rest of our food last Monday. I blame myself for not looking closer. However, that did not stop me from calling McDonald’s and delivering a scathing, two minute ass-reaming to the GED holder store manager that answered the phone.

I am not positive they know what I look like but there may be a crude caricature of me with a diagonal slash through it on the wall of the break room at McDonald’s. There’s also a good chance someone has drawn a Hitler moustache and devil horns on me with a black magic marker.

I can no longer guarantee that, even if my neighborhood McDonald’s manages to give me all the Mcnuggets I’ve paid for, they will not include a spit garnish. I also feel compelled to mention that I don’t think it’s fair that I have to be so involved in the fulfillment of my fast food order.

Therefore, McDonald’s Monday in our house is now known as “Something from Subway.”

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