The Real Housewives of NYC (Back to High School)
Tuesday night’s episode opened with another meeting for Jill’s charity, Creaky Joints. The producers at Bravo decide to throw Kelly a bone instead of under the (school) bus and portray her as a saint when she pulls a bunch of high-end donations out of her ass makes several contributions to the silent auction, including a portrait session with her ex-husband, Gilles Bensimon the wrinkly old French guy top fashion photographer. Jill points out that Kelly’s behavior at the last meeting was really weird but whatever, now she’s on board with the varsity cheerleader’s car wash charity event.
Ramona showed up at the meeting and it was the first time she had seen Jill since Mario and Jill got all pissy with each other at the Page Six party. Ramona inquired as to whether the tennis match was still on and Jill agreed right away, feeling confident since Justin Gimelstob agreed to be her ace in the hole partner.
LuAnn spends some time at the Boys and Girls Club of Brooklyn. She wants to help the girls build self-esteem and a positive self image. LuAnn bores the girls silly with some drivel about how her husband, Count Chocula, built the Suez Canal and tells them before she met the Count she was just a regular old American Indian girl (feather, not dot). LuAnn asks some of the girls what they want to be when they grow up. One of the girls says she wants to be a babysitter (and LuAnn laughs). Another little girl wants to be a model and LuAnn asks her to stand up, so she can see how tall she is. The short little girl is a poster child for childhood obesity but LuAnn tells her she “has plenty of time to grow, she has a beautiful face, and dieting is easy!” LuAnn single-handedly destroys any self esteem the little girl has and Jenny Craig just got another life-long customer.
Oh, excuse me, my cell phone is ringing. Hmmmm…it’s my friend Janice in New York. I wonder why she’s calling me at this time of day. It must be pretty important.
Me: “Hey Jan, what’s up?”
Janice: “You will never guess who I was just in the elevator with!”
Me: “Oh my God, If you tell me it was one of the Real Housewives of NYC I’m going to shit!”
Janice: “I was in the elevator with Ramona Singer!”
Me: “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Janice: “I had to walk the other way when we got out of the elevator so she wouldn’t hear me call you.”
Me: “How’d she look?”
Janice: “She’s tiny.”
Me: “She’s had some work done.”
Janice: “She looks good.”
Janice did some super-sleuthing and discovered that Ramona’s office is not far from where she works so Janice is going to try to keep tabs on Ramona. Stick with me kids because thanks to Janice, my Real Housewives re-caps might include some “behind the scenes” gossip not filtered through Bravo’s fine editing process.
Jill invites Bethenny over to see her newly decorated apartment and as soon as Bethenny takes it all in she delivers the best quote of the night: “It’s like Liberace, Versace, like, la cucaracha-y.”
And those shiny tables that consist of the letters P-O-P? And another O because those things look like shit.
Kelly and Max go on a date and he tells her that, after their last date, he found sparklies all over his face from her super greasy Bonne Bell makeup. Kelly enjoys the “flirt-fest” a little longer and then grabs her Trapper Keeper and brags to all the girlfriends gathered around her locker, “Everyone wants to go to the spring prom with Max and Max wants to go with me!”
Meanwhile, Jill’s sure thing, Justin Gimelstob, made up an excuse hurt his back and can’t play in the match against Mario and Ramona. The Mean Girls Jill and Bethenny ask Simon to play in the tennis match instead.
Simon is so excited to be included in the popular girl’s clique he forgets to ask about the hazing ritual.
On the day of the big match, Ramona marks her territory by peeing all over the lobby refuses to wait inside by the tennis court which forces Simon to hide until she finally leaves. The Mean Girls do not want to miss the opportunity to use the element of surprise to their advantage.
Finally Simon arrives courtside and begins to plaster himself with terry cloth sweatbands. Ramona and Mario spoil the fun by refusing to get all jacked up about Simon being the mystery player.
Simon proceeds to play the worst tennis I’ve even seen and Alex slumps further down in her chair, counting down the minutes until she can get drunk enough to forget the whole humiliating experience.
Ramona and Mario win the match, natch. The Mean Girls thank Simon for being such a good sport but then wait for him to fall asleep so they can put his bra in the freezer and his fingers in warm water. They laugh hysterically when he pisses himself and then go back to having a pillow fight in their t-shirts and underwear.
Well, there you have it. Another satisfying episode of Saved By The Bell The Real Housewives has come to an end.
Stay tuned next week when the Housewives grow up and head off to college.
Oh, before I forget. I’m also working on a post for The Real Housewives of New Jersey preview. It’ll be done, well, sometime. Did anyone else see it? If not, I have a few teasers for you: hairless cat, strip club, blowjob.
I know!
