I was really looking forward to last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of NYC for two reasons: I wanted to see Jill give Kelly a verbal ass-whipping for being late to her own Halloween party and I was stoked about the re-match between Bethenny and Kelly.

The episode opened with Alex and Simon heading down to Zarin Fabrics because even though Simon’s mind is like a steel trap filled with all kinds of organized information, the fact that they don’t have any window treatments for their fabulous Brooklyn townhouse slipped through the cracks.

They brought their devil’s spawn with them and I think this episode proves that putting those leash and harness thingies on kids is not always a bad idea. Frank and Joe were running around like hooligans while Jill cringed and waited for Alex and Simon to do something about it.

Simon and Alex were drawn to the red fabric and Alex stated that her and Simon’s style is dramatic and “has flair.” Like Jill, Alex and Simon have been drinking Gay Brad’s kool-aid because they let him decide exactly what they should buy.

Bethenny went to see Francky, her gay hairdresser, so he could trim up her weave and wash that gray right out of her hair. Francky wants to fix Bethenny up with his model friend and Bethenny says, “I don’t do models.”

Francky googled Bethenny and showed his friend a picture of her holding her dog while wearing a turquoise bikini and transparent raincoat which has to be the most ridiculous ensemble I’ve ever seen thirty-seven year old Bethenny wear. She, however, is thrilled with Francky’s choice and thinks the picture is a “good one.”

Personally, I think Bethenny needs to cut down on her caffeine consumption. She was talking non-stop to Francky and couldn’t seem to keep her mouth shut for very long. Bethenny knows the viewers think she is clever and funny but now it seems like she’s always trying to cram in as many one liners as she can every time she’s on camera.

Francky and Bethenny make a pact that if Bethenny hasn’t found a man by the time she’s forty, she and Francky will get married, have a baby, and live happily ever after while Bethenny pays the bills and they both do whatever the hell they want.

Back in Brooklyn, Alex points out that whenever she and Simon renovate, they always, always set a deadline so that things will get done on time (completely forgetting that the contractor will hold things up whenever he damn well feels like it, especially if he wants to fuck with the annoying people who have retained his services). Alex and Simon are under the gun because they’ve wisely chosen to host a housewarming party in five days, even though the townhouse doesn’t even look like the walls are finished.

They decide to invite everyone, including Ramona, and let each person decide whether or not to show up. Simon continues to hold out hope that he and Ramona will become besties and informs Alex that he and Ramona had a really nice moment after the tennis match and hugged for like 45 seconds.

Ramona has an appointment with her plastic surgeon even though there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way she looks. She does, however, want to maintain her looks because “if you look good, you feel good.” She also wants to talk about her sweaty armpits and what can be done about them so she doesn’t ruin all her cashmere sweaters. Gross Ramona, get some Secret Clinical strength deodorant and shut up. While she’s there Ramona also has some age spots removed and I have no idea why Bravo has wasted my time with any of this.

LuAnn Charlotte, Kelly Carrie, LuAnn’s niece #1 Miranda, and, LuAnn’s niece #2 Samantha go out and pretend they’re on Sex and the City instead of a reality show. LuAnn says that Kelly acts like she’s twenty-one anyway so she should fit right in with her young nieces.

Suddenly, barely bi-lingual Max sashays in to say hello which does not please LuAnn. Max sits down and tries to keep his hair out of his eyes. After Max leaves to go out to dinner, LuAnn asks Kelly how long they’ve been dating but Kelly won’t answer because it’s a big secret. LuAnn tells Kelly she should just let her hair down so Kelly reaches up and literally lets her hair down because she’s a complete retard.

Alex and Simon are still trying to get casa Van Kempen presentable for the housewarming party. Unfortunately, Simon has urgent business to attend to at the Super 8 motel he manages so Alex will have to handle everything while he’s gone. The townhouse is still in complete shambles and rain is leaking in because the door hasn’t been installed completely.

Bethenny goes on her blind date with the model and admits there is a slight language barrier. She orders her signature skinnygirl margarita for both of them. She is wearing a tight dress that shows off her boobies. She is rambling on like she had some cocaine before she left the house. She also mentions that she’s a ball-buster which I think would be better revealed by the “show don’t tell” method but that’s just me.

The Van Kempen’s get ready for the big reveal. While they’re waiting for their guests to show up, Simon runs around the room frantically straightening picture frames. He’s all dressed up in a shiny new black jacket.

Kelly slums it down to Brooklyn and arrives early and Simon thinks it’s because she’s trying to make amends for being so late to her own Halloween party. It turns out that Kelly’s only early because she has no idea where she is or how long it would take to get there so she allowed for extra time. I’m guessing that when the girl in the plastic bubble leaves Manhattan she’s totally screwed in finding her way back without some help. Alex and Simon point out once again where they are and how totally cool it is to live there because of all the actors and writers who live in Brooklyn.

When Bethenny arrives Simon thinks she is “gobsmacked” by how fabulous the townhouse turned out. Bethenny’s calls it “bordello” and “gothic” with all the black and red. The black duet blinds look horrible but Gay Brad told them they were fabulous so they had to buy them. The whole thing looks like it was decorated by a bunch of acid dropping vampires with bad taste.

Jill tells Kelly “I could kill you” for being late to her Halloween party. Kelly blathers on about her kids and parents being at her house and how she couldn’t just jump on the subway in her black bunny costume.

Simon and Alex think that everyone loves their renovation. Simon says, with a completely serious look on his face, that he and Alex’s renovation was “bigger” than Jill’s and that Jill was probably worried that he and Alex would “one-up” her again. Wait a minute, when did they “one-up” her the first time? I don’t know how to explain this scenario other than to say that Simon has clearly gone to his happy place in a parallel universe where reality is optional.

Round two for Bethenny and Kelly occurs at Jill’s apartment where they have all gathered for another charity meeting. Jill asked Kelly to come early so she and Bethenny could have a talk. Kelly has the same stupid P-O-O-P tables as Jill except they are her and her daughter’s initials.

Bethenny asks Kelly to sit down with her and hear her out. Bethenny says that every time she has seen Kelly, Kelly acts like she doesn’t know who Bethenny is or that she’s meeting Bethenny for the first time which is really hurtful and disrespectful.

Kelly says that she meets hundreds of people every day and she’s rude to them too!

Kelly apologizes to Bethenny and tells her that she’s sorry if Bethenny’s been hurt or insulted by Kelly not saying hello to her. Kelly tells Bethenny she has no reason to be mean to her and Bethenny says she thought maybe since Kelly said she is “up here” and Bethenny is “down there” that maybe she doesn’t say hello because she thinks she’s better than Bethenny.

Kelly then tells Bethenny she’s making a mountain out of a molehill and seems to have absolutely no recollection of their prior conversation during round 1. Kelly then inexplicably points out that they’re sitting on Ally’s bed (who is an adorable girl) and that Bethenny’s a beautiful woman with a lot going for her and Kelly once again tells Bethenny she won’t indulge her. Bethenny points out that she really seems to get Kelly worked up and Kelly says it’s because Bethenny keeps poking her. Kelly than wisely states that if Bethenny has a problem with her, she should come to Kelly so they can talk it out. Bethenny points out that that’s exactly what she’s doing. Kelly then thanks Bethenny for coming and ends the conversation saying that the air is clear. Bethenny points out that the air is not clear and Kelly starts saying “seriously Bethenny, seriously Bethenny ” in this really weird inflection, like she’s just so weary of the argument. Kelly did this in round 1 and I think she does it to buy time when she doesn’t know what to say next.

Kelly tells Bethenny that she should be mad at Bethenny for attacking her in front of her peers at the charity meeting but then tells Bethenny she looks adorable in her Zac dress and thanks her for coming.

Bethenny is just as confused about Kelly’s statements as she was in round 1.

Jill forgot to get wine and says that Ramona will implode if she can’t hook up her pinot grigio I.V. as soon as she arrives at Jill’s apartment. Kelly offers to go get the wine which allows Bethenny to tell Jill all about what transpired in Ally’s bedroom.

Next week is Part two of this episode (and the season finale!). May 12th is the Real Housewives of NYC reunion show and the premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I can hardly wait.

**********If you are looking for the ‘TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ post, click here.

Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives was so boring, I almost fell asleep twice. Bravo dangled a big carrot in front of me by alluding to more Kelly shenanigans but didn’t deliver much in the way of drama, in my Real Housewife of Dallas County opinion.

The show opened with LuAnn and Count Chocula’s daughter Victoria coming home from boarding school for a weekend visit. Victoria has recently discovered shopping at Goodwill and tells LuAnn that she paid $9 for several scarves and sweaters. LuAnn misses a golden opportunity to commend Victoria for choosing to avoid conspicuous consumption but instead informs Victoria that they need to get her “paws” fixed while she’s home as it’s clear she is long overdue for a manicure. Later, while they are out shopping, Victoria tries to convince LuAnn not to buy a dress because she already has one just like it but LuAnn won’t listen, thus proving that sometimes children are smarter than the adults who give birth to them.

Next some douche from the BBC interviews Jill and tries to get her to admit that Americans, and their nasty spending, are the sole reason behind the entire world’s economic crisis. Frankly I don’t think Jill Zarin is the one they should be interviewing because even though she spends money almost as fast as Bobby can launder it, she doesn’t appear to be living above her means. Jill uses the interview as an opportunity to pimp her various charities and agrees that people who make donations to them may be feeling the pinch of a tighter budget. I think Jill handled the interviewer’s questions very well and defended her spending as something she could afford.

Kelly heads to the mall to get a new set of Glamour shots. She’s wearing her favorite pair of ripped up jeans for some totally bootylicious shots, yo! She also plans on using one of the pictures on the invitations for a Halloween party she’s hosting.

Jill meets with a fashion designer to finalize her and Ginger’s costume for a charity event/Halloween party that she’s attending with Ramona and Bethenny and their dogs. Jill and Ginger are going as Elle and Bruiser Woods from “Legally Blonde”. Ramona and her dog are dressed like Robin Hood and Bethenny dressed up as Roller Girl and dressed her dog cookie up as Roller Bitch. I’m going to dress up as Dorothy Hamill so I can wear ice skates because the day Chloe and I start attending parties together in matching costumes is the day hell freezes over.

Next up, Simon takes Alex to meet with a fashion designer named Maggie. All the clothes she designs are made from recycled materials. The Emperor Simon has paid the swindler Maggie $7,000 he doesn’t have (hey BBC interviewer, over here!) to commission the most fabulous new couture corset for Alex. The Swindler Maggie tells Simon that only those people who are truly on the cutting edge of fashion will realize just how totally awesome the corset is and all others will have to return to their native Australia right away.

Simon presents the corset, made entirely out of old burlap feed bags to Alex and he’s so excited by the truly fabulous garment that he turns into an actual girl.

“Jesus H. Christ,” Alex thinks. “What the eff has my gay husband done now? If I refuse to have my boobs held up by a freaking feedbag they’ll think I’m not edgy and don’t have any fashion sense and then they’ll make me go back to Kansas and live in the suburbs and that simply cannot happen because I live in Brooklyn, BROOKLYN DAMMIT! with all the other wannabe hipster posers and I’m not going back to the midwest and they can’t make me!”

Alex has no choice but to go on and on about how wonderful the crappy piece of burlap is. She then claims that she and Simon tend to be fearless with fashion and since she wants to wear the corset in as public a place as possible, she plans on wearing it to the opening night at the opera (where hopefully a tourist from my hometown will walk by and point out that the corset is ridiculous).

Next everyone shows up for Kelly’s frat Halloween party, except Kelly. Jill dresses as Marie Antoinette, Bethenny recycles her Roller Girl costume, and LuAnn trots out some American Indian garb, complete with a feather. Simon and Alex come as Sarah Palin and a moose.

Not only is Kelly a no-show but there’s a cash bar for God’s sake and the housewives are not happy about having to pay for their own skinnygirl cocktails. Bethenny delivers a speech about how not fabulous Kelly is and skates off down the street. The housewives finally give up on Kelly and leave to go to the other wonderful parties they’ve been invited to.

When Kelly and barely bi-lingual Max do finally show up she is wearing a black bunny costume because Party America didn’t have any more naughty nurse outfits. Kelly says her outfit is fun and flirty but since she’s a mom it can’t be over the top. Kelly admits she’s late but says that her girls had to celebrate Halloween and then she had to get ready (which would all be things I would have thought about ahead of time but whatever). Kelly looks around and gets upset when she realizes everyone has left but finally admits that what she did was “not nice” and halfheartedly defends herself by mentioning that she couldn’t call anyone because she can’t fit a Blackberry in her costume.

Next week, Bravo anticipates a spike in ratings as Kelly and Bethenny lace up their gloves for round two and Kelly tries to keep the other housewives from lynching her.

Maybe I should change the name of this blog to A Snarky Housewife in Dallas County because lately all I seem to be doing is writing about those silly ladies on Bravo.

The episode opens with Jill stating that “in New York, women work, women have to work. I’m a trained business woman, retail is in my blood. And it just happened to be lucky that I fell in love with Bobby and he has a retail store so I was able to get back into it.”

They’re introducing a new eco-friendly fabric line at Zarin Fabrics so Jill invited all the housewives down to the store. Yawn!

Ramona and Mario show up and Jill made sure to point out to Mario that “this is where I work.” Jill and Mario re-hashed the tennis match argument for the fifty-eleventh time. Jill waved the white flag because she said it was easier than fighting with Mario and his huge ego.

Mario then grills Simon (who Mario calls a fashionista) about why he wore such an effing dorky outfit straight out of seventh grade gym class for the tennis match. Simon replied that he hasn’t played tennis since seventh grade and that’s the outfit he ran out and bought at the last minute.

Bethenny mentions that the rules of dating have changed since tanorexic Ramona and her chignon gave dating advice to Cosmopolitan magazine. Bethenny thinks men should think of her vagina as a vase and if you’ve had sex with her, it’s time to send flowers. Jill loves that line and wishes Bobby would disappear so she could bar hop and pick up dudes with Bethenny.

Shiny greasy Kelly and Max arrive at the Zarin Fabrics party. Old gay Brad has too much to drink and makes a total ass of himself by drooling over Max and following him around. Max and Kelly get into a pillow fight and Kelly smears her shiny greasy face all over the Zarin’s expensive fabrics.

Bethenny heads to Greenwich to set up a display of her baked goods at a local grocery store. She is dismayed to discover that pretty much no one in Connecticut wants a cookie or a cupcake. She is asked by some old lady where the rotisserie chickens are.

LuAnn meets with her ghost-writer so she can hammer out some more details for her boring etiquette book. LuAnn explains the absolutely scintillating do’s and dont’s of kissing hello and how there is no way in hell she’d ever go dutch on a date. She also doesn’t like people who talk too much (which is funny because she never seems to shut her pie-hole). To be fair, neither do I.

Kelly goes to L.A. to meet with her friend Pascal. Her jewelry line started with the owl and now she’s planning to expand. Dave and I thought the owl necklaces were butt ugly and look like something a grandma would wear. And instead of an owl they sorta looked like big, gold, hairy tarantulas to me. Kelly thought they looked awesome but I think they are atrocious and all my friends would make fun of me if I showed up wearing one.

Next we see Jill pretending to work at Zarin Fabrics again. She assists two gay men who are looking for fabric for drapes. They thought Jill was amazing because all they had to tell her was “preppy” and she knew exactly what to show them. Jill asks them if they’re handy and they say “no, we’re gay.” Jill goes on to say that she “loves selling, it’s not work, and it comes from the soul.”

For some inexplicable reason, Bravo decides to show Kelly running through the streets of New York, dodging taxis and inhaling a shitload of exhaust. Kelly says, “running in New York is one of the most exhilarating things you can do.” I’m thinking it’s one of the more dangerous and foolhardy things you can do but what do I know. Kelly says she “loves to run in the traffic trenches.” I kept waiting to hear the music from Rocky as Kelly runs along in her black shorts, hair flying behind her. I have no idea what to say about this scene except superfluous, unnecessary, and WTF?

Jill invites Kelly to go with her to meet a bag designer. Jill admits that with the economy in shambles, dropping $16,000 on a bag is more appropriate than the jewelry she usually commands. I couldn’t resist pointing out to Dave that $385 for a Dooney and Bourke seems downright cheap compared to the sixteen grand Jill Bobby was about to spend.

There was a lot of book promoting on the show last night. Both Bethenny and The Countess pimped their book covers. I think one of the Orange County housewives should write a book. Wait, no I don’t.

A magazine crew from (Des Moines!) show up to photograph Jill’s newly renovated apartment. Jill asks if they have a P.P., aka a private plane. The gal from Des Moines later gets shit faced drunk and laughs about how non classy the fauxcialites in New York are.

Ramona invites some friends, including Bethenny, over to sample her skin care line. Bethenny tries to offer advice about building a brand but Ramona covers her ears and says “la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I can’t hear you, la, la, la, la, la.” Ramona then goes on to tell everyone that Jill builds Bethenny up because she likes an “underdog.” One of Ramona’s friends tries to point out that Jill probably doesn’t think Bethenny is an underdog and Ramona sticks her fingers back in her ears and resumes la,la,la-ing.

I bet a wine glass full of chardonnay from the fountain of youth that Bethenny’s thinking: “Underdog my ass, you old whore. You’re gonna die way before me ’cause you’re old and my vagina/vase is going to be overflowing with flowers while you’re stuck with Mario.”

Simon plans a series of surprises for Alex’s birthday. He sends a car to pick her up at work. I’m not sure what’s going on with Alex’s hair lately but it looks like she’s doing some awkward French braid thingy and it’s drawing attention to her thin lips. I think she should visit TheHairstyler.com and upload her picture and then try on some new do’s like I do when I need to change my look.

Simon takes Alex to a jewelry designer and they pick out a pair of dangly earrings. After that, things get weird. Simon wants the driver to take an alternate route home, because he’s all tricky like that, and he wants Alex to think they’re not going home to celebrate with the kids when they really are.

The driver ruins everything by missing a crucial turn-off and Simon starts dropping a rapid fire series of f-bombs. Alex has a weird look on her face, like maybe she realizes the anger management classes aren’t working. She fails to address Simon’s behavior the same way she and Simon refused to address the behavior of their misbehaving hooligan kids in season 1. Simon’s blood pressure finally goes down and he and Alex head inside to have cupcakes with their future juvenile delinquents.

In the preview for next week’s episode, Kelly appears to be up to her old tricks and pisses everyone off by not being as fabulous as she thinks she is.

Set your DVR’s now kids, you won’t want to miss it!

Oh Bravo, how you love to yank my chain.

The newest installment of the Real Housewives franchise could have been located anywhere. Houston, Chicago, Boston, even Minneapolis.

But what would be the fun in that?

Bravo’s turned the tables on us all by serving up the mother lode of geographical stereotyping with the debut of The Real Housewives of New Jersey (insert your own references to the Jersey Shore, big hair, and Bon Jovi).

This particular franchise had me a bit confused. Almost everyone on this show is related to each other by blood or marriage. I almost had to construct a flow-chart to keep everyone straight. It was a short episode so I think the best thing to do is to introduce everyone and provide my own special commentary which really means I’m going to make fun of them.

Caroline Manzo is the family matriarch and she scares the crap out of me. I have no doubt that if you’d like someone to swim with the fish while wearing concrete boots, she could make it happen. She’s been married to Al for 25 years and tells us that “my husband spoils the shit out of me.” My guess is that he spoils his mistress a little more. Al runs a “premiere” catering facility called The Brownstone that has been in the family for over 30 years. Caroline has three children: Albie, who is in law school, Christopher, a “get rich quick” entrepreneur, and Lauren who works for the family business. Christopher wants to open a car wash/strip club and Caroline tells him “let’s run a respectable strip club, one mommy can be proud of.”

Dina Manzo is Caroline’s younger sister. She is also married to Caroline’s husband’s brother Tommy. She is the founder of Project Ladybug and also works as an interior designer and event planner. She has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage. In the preview episode Dina is show interviewing a young man for a position as her assistant. She asks him if her hairless cat is cute or ugly? (Me raising hand) Ugly! Ugly! The young man says cute. She then asks him if he’ll wash her car and buy her tampons. He says yes. No one asked me but I used to work in Human Resources and these are so not appropriate interview questions.

Jacqueline Laurita and her husband Chris (who is Caroline and Dina’s brother) moved from Vegas to New Jersey which Jacqueline refers to as the “armpit of the earth.” They have a six year old son and Jacqueline also has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage. Jacqueline seems to be the peacemaker of the bunch and Dina mentions that “Jacqueline’s heart is as big as her boobies.” Dina also mentions later in the episode that she thinks Jacqueline is “obsessed with her” and tries to copy everything she does.

Teresa Giudice has been married to Joe for eight years. They are parents to three girls and are in the process of building their dream home. In the preview episode, Teresa and Joe visit a plastic surgeon for a consultation on how to make Teresa’s boobs bigger. Her husband pushes for the bigger size because “won’t they shrink?” (No, stupid, they won’t). Later, Dina points out that Teresa is the “jewelry whore” of the group. Teresa’s philosophy? Happy Wife, Happy Life (I already told Dave I’m getting me a t-shirt with that slogan on it).

Danielle Staub has the most inflammatory quote of the night: “You’re either gonna love me or hate me” which loosely translated means “the shit I pull is gonna send Bravo’s ratings through the roof.” Danielle, who has been engaged nineteen times, is now divorced and waiting for her ship to come in divorce settlement. Since the divorce, Danielle mentions she has had no financial freedom and needs that settlement soon. Hey, that sounds familiar. Sheree from The Real Housewives of Atlanta was waiting for a settlement too! Danielle seems to spend all her time working out and having phone sex with a dude she met online who goes by the handle “Gucci Model.” Say it with me, ewwwwwwww!! In the preview episode Danielle is preparing to go on a blind date with him which I thought usually came before having phone sex with someone(silly me). Also, and I didn’t quite catch this even though Dave and I hit rewind on the DVR about six times, but Teresa mentions something at the end of the episode about “Gucci model” (I think) going to Danielle’s house every day “for his, um, routine blow-job.” Um, what?

After all the housewife introductions, things really get weird and the episode ends with Teresa pushing over an entire table elaborately set with dishes and glassware. The rumors and accusations start flying and we hear words like “prostitution”, “kidnapping”, and “Columbian cartels”.

I’m off to make a paper chain like the one the offspring made when they counted down the days until Santa would arrive.

Because May 12th cannot get here soon enough!