**********If you are looking for the ‘TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ post, click here.

Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives was so boring, I almost fell asleep twice. Bravo dangled a big carrot in front of me by alluding to more Kelly shenanigans but didn’t deliver much in the way of drama, in my Real Housewife of Dallas County opinion.

The show opened with LuAnn and Count Chocula’s daughter Victoria coming home from boarding school for a weekend visit. Victoria has recently discovered shopping at Goodwill and tells LuAnn that she paid $9 for several scarves and sweaters. LuAnn misses a golden opportunity to commend Victoria for choosing to avoid conspicuous consumption but instead informs Victoria that they need to get her “paws” fixed while she’s home as it’s clear she is long overdue for a manicure. Later, while they are out shopping, Victoria tries to convince LuAnn not to buy a dress because she already has one just like it but LuAnn won’t listen, thus proving that sometimes children are smarter than the adults who give birth to them.

Next some douche from the BBC interviews Jill and tries to get her to admit that Americans, and their nasty spending, are the sole reason behind the entire world’s economic crisis. Frankly I don’t think Jill Zarin is the one they should be interviewing because even though she spends money almost as fast as Bobby can launder it, she doesn’t appear to be living above her means. Jill uses the interview as an opportunity to pimp her various charities and agrees that people who make donations to them may be feeling the pinch of a tighter budget. I think Jill handled the interviewer’s questions very well and defended her spending as something she could afford.

Kelly heads to the mall to get a new set of Glamour shots. She’s wearing her favorite pair of ripped up jeans for some totally bootylicious shots, yo! She also plans on using one of the pictures on the invitations for a Halloween party she’s hosting.

Jill meets with a fashion designer to finalize her and Ginger’s costume for a charity event/Halloween party that she’s attending with Ramona and Bethenny and their dogs. Jill and Ginger are going as Elle and Bruiser Woods from “Legally Blonde”. Ramona and her dog are dressed like Robin Hood and Bethenny dressed up as Roller Girl and dressed her dog cookie up as Roller Bitch. I’m going to dress up as Dorothy Hamill so I can wear ice skates because the day Chloe and I start attending parties together in matching costumes is the day hell freezes over.

Next up, Simon takes Alex to meet with a fashion designer named Maggie. All the clothes she designs are made from recycled materials. The Emperor Simon has paid the swindler Maggie $7,000 he doesn’t have (hey BBC interviewer, over here!) to commission the most fabulous new couture corset for Alex. The Swindler Maggie tells Simon that only those people who are truly on the cutting edge of fashion will realize just how totally awesome the corset is and all others will have to return to their native Australia right away.

Simon presents the corset, made entirely out of old burlap feed bags to Alex and he’s so excited by the truly fabulous garment that he turns into an actual girl.

“Jesus H. Christ,” Alex thinks. “What the eff has my gay husband done now? If I refuse to have my boobs held up by a freaking feedbag they’ll think I’m not edgy and don’t have any fashion sense and then they’ll make me go back to Kansas and live in the suburbs and that simply cannot happen because I live in Brooklyn, BROOKLYN DAMMIT! with all the other wannabe hipster posers and I’m not going back to the midwest and they can’t make me!”

Alex has no choice but to go on and on about how wonderful the crappy piece of burlap is. She then claims that she and Simon tend to be fearless with fashion and since she wants to wear the corset in as public a place as possible, she plans on wearing it to the opening night at the opera (where hopefully a tourist from my hometown will walk by and point out that the corset is ridiculous).

Next everyone shows up for Kelly’s frat Halloween party, except Kelly. Jill dresses as Marie Antoinette, Bethenny recycles her Roller Girl costume, and LuAnn trots out some American Indian garb, complete with a feather. Simon and Alex come as Sarah Palin and a moose.

Not only is Kelly a no-show but there’s a cash bar for God’s sake and the housewives are not happy about having to pay for their own skinnygirl cocktails. Bethenny delivers a speech about how not fabulous Kelly is and skates off down the street. The housewives finally give up on Kelly and leave to go to the other wonderful parties they’ve been invited to.

When Kelly and barely bi-lingual Max do finally show up she is wearing a black bunny costume because Party America didn’t have any more naughty nurse outfits. Kelly says her outfit is fun and flirty but since she’s a mom it can’t be over the top. Kelly admits she’s late but says that her girls had to celebrate Halloween and then she had to get ready (which would all be things I would have thought about ahead of time but whatever). Kelly looks around and gets upset when she realizes everyone has left but finally admits that what she did was “not nice” and halfheartedly defends herself by mentioning that she couldn’t call anyone because she can’t fit a Blackberry in her costume.

Next week, Bravo anticipates a spike in ratings as Kelly and Bethenny lace up their gloves for round two and Kelly tries to keep the other housewives from lynching her.

Maybe I should change the name of this blog to A Snarky Housewife in Dallas County because lately all I seem to be doing is writing about those silly ladies on Bravo.

The episode opens with Jill stating that “in New York, women work, women have to work. I’m a trained business woman, retail is in my blood. And it just happened to be lucky that I fell in love with Bobby and he has a retail store so I was able to get back into it.”

They’re introducing a new eco-friendly fabric line at Zarin Fabrics so Jill invited all the housewives down to the store. Yawn!

Ramona and Mario show up and Jill made sure to point out to Mario that “this is where I work.” Jill and Mario re-hashed the tennis match argument for the fifty-eleventh time. Jill waved the white flag because she said it was easier than fighting with Mario and his huge ego.

Mario then grills Simon (who Mario calls a fashionista) about why he wore such an effing dorky outfit straight out of seventh grade gym class for the tennis match. Simon replied that he hasn’t played tennis since seventh grade and that’s the outfit he ran out and bought at the last minute.

Bethenny mentions that the rules of dating have changed since tanorexic Ramona and her chignon gave dating advice to Cosmopolitan magazine. Bethenny thinks men should think of her vagina as a vase and if you’ve had sex with her, it’s time to send flowers. Jill loves that line and wishes Bobby would disappear so she could bar hop and pick up dudes with Bethenny.

Shiny greasy Kelly and Max arrive at the Zarin Fabrics party. Old gay Brad has too much to drink and makes a total ass of himself by drooling over Max and following him around. Max and Kelly get into a pillow fight and Kelly smears her shiny greasy face all over the Zarin’s expensive fabrics.

Bethenny heads to Greenwich to set up a display of her baked goods at a local grocery store. She is dismayed to discover that pretty much no one in Connecticut wants a cookie or a cupcake. She is asked by some old lady where the rotisserie chickens are.

LuAnn meets with her ghost-writer so she can hammer out some more details for her boring etiquette book. LuAnn explains the absolutely scintillating do’s and dont’s of kissing hello and how there is no way in hell she’d ever go dutch on a date. She also doesn’t like people who talk too much (which is funny because she never seems to shut her pie-hole). To be fair, neither do I.

Kelly goes to L.A. to meet with her friend Pascal. Her jewelry line started with the owl and now she’s planning to expand. Dave and I thought the owl necklaces were butt ugly and look like something a grandma would wear. And instead of an owl they sorta looked like big, gold, hairy tarantulas to me. Kelly thought they looked awesome but I think they are atrocious and all my friends would make fun of me if I showed up wearing one.

Next we see Jill pretending to work at Zarin Fabrics again. She assists two gay men who are looking for fabric for drapes. They thought Jill was amazing because all they had to tell her was “preppy” and she knew exactly what to show them. Jill asks them if they’re handy and they say “no, we’re gay.” Jill goes on to say that she “loves selling, it’s not work, and it comes from the soul.”

For some inexplicable reason, Bravo decides to show Kelly running through the streets of New York, dodging taxis and inhaling a shitload of exhaust. Kelly says, “running in New York is one of the most exhilarating things you can do.” I’m thinking it’s one of the more dangerous and foolhardy things you can do but what do I know. Kelly says she “loves to run in the traffic trenches.” I kept waiting to hear the music from Rocky as Kelly runs along in her black shorts, hair flying behind her. I have no idea what to say about this scene except superfluous, unnecessary, and WTF?

Jill invites Kelly to go with her to meet a bag designer. Jill admits that with the economy in shambles, dropping $16,000 on a bag is more appropriate than the jewelry she usually commands. I couldn’t resist pointing out to Dave that $385 for a Dooney and Bourke seems downright cheap compared to the sixteen grand Jill Bobby was about to spend.

There was a lot of book promoting on the show last night. Both Bethenny and The Countess pimped their book covers. I think one of the Orange County housewives should write a book. Wait, no I don’t.

A magazine crew from (Des Moines!) show up to photograph Jill’s newly renovated apartment. Jill asks if they have a P.P., aka a private plane. The gal from Des Moines later gets shit faced drunk and laughs about how non classy the fauxcialites in New York are.

Ramona invites some friends, including Bethenny, over to sample her skin care line. Bethenny tries to offer advice about building a brand but Ramona covers her ears and says “la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I can’t hear you, la, la, la, la, la.” Ramona then goes on to tell everyone that Jill builds Bethenny up because she likes an “underdog.” One of Ramona’s friends tries to point out that Jill probably doesn’t think Bethenny is an underdog and Ramona sticks her fingers back in her ears and resumes la,la,la-ing.

I bet a wine glass full of chardonnay from the fountain of youth that Bethenny’s thinking: “Underdog my ass, you old whore. You’re gonna die way before me ’cause you’re old and my vagina/vase is going to be overflowing with flowers while you’re stuck with Mario.”

Simon plans a series of surprises for Alex’s birthday. He sends a car to pick her up at work. I’m not sure what’s going on with Alex’s hair lately but it looks like she’s doing some awkward French braid thingy and it’s drawing attention to her thin lips. I think she should visit TheHairstyler.com and upload her picture and then try on some new do’s like I do when I need to change my look.

Simon takes Alex to a jewelry designer and they pick out a pair of dangly earrings. After that, things get weird. Simon wants the driver to take an alternate route home, because he’s all tricky like that, and he wants Alex to think they’re not going home to celebrate with the kids when they really are.

The driver ruins everything by missing a crucial turn-off and Simon starts dropping a rapid fire series of f-bombs. Alex has a weird look on her face, like maybe she realizes the anger management classes aren’t working. She fails to address Simon’s behavior the same way she and Simon refused to address the behavior of their misbehaving hooligan kids in season 1. Simon’s blood pressure finally goes down and he and Alex head inside to have cupcakes with their future juvenile delinquents.

In the preview for next week’s episode, Kelly appears to be up to her old tricks and pisses everyone off by not being as fabulous as she thinks she is.

Set your DVR’s now kids, you won’t want to miss it!

Oh Bravo, how you love to yank my chain.

The newest installment of the Real Housewives franchise could have been located anywhere. Houston, Chicago, Boston, even Minneapolis.

But what would be the fun in that?

Bravo’s turned the tables on us all by serving up the mother lode of geographical stereotyping with the debut of The Real Housewives of New Jersey (insert your own references to the Jersey Shore, big hair, and Bon Jovi).

This particular franchise had me a bit confused. Almost everyone on this show is related to each other by blood or marriage. I almost had to construct a flow-chart to keep everyone straight. It was a short episode so I think the best thing to do is to introduce everyone and provide my own special commentary which really means I’m going to make fun of them.

Caroline Manzo is the family matriarch and she scares the crap out of me. I have no doubt that if you’d like someone to swim with the fish while wearing concrete boots, she could make it happen. She’s been married to Al for 25 years and tells us that “my husband spoils the shit out of me.” My guess is that he spoils his mistress a little more. Al runs a “premiere” catering facility called The Brownstone that has been in the family for over 30 years. Caroline has three children: Albie, who is in law school, Christopher, a “get rich quick” entrepreneur, and Lauren who works for the family business. Christopher wants to open a car wash/strip club and Caroline tells him “let’s run a respectable strip club, one mommy can be proud of.”

Dina Manzo is Caroline’s younger sister. She is also married to Caroline’s husband’s brother Tommy. She is the founder of Project Ladybug and also works as an interior designer and event planner. She has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage. In the preview episode Dina is show interviewing a young man for a position as her assistant. She asks him if her hairless cat is cute or ugly? (Me raising hand) Ugly! Ugly! The young man says cute. She then asks him if he’ll wash her car and buy her tampons. He says yes. No one asked me but I used to work in Human Resources and these are so not appropriate interview questions.

Jacqueline Laurita and her husband Chris (who is Caroline and Dina’s brother) moved from Vegas to New Jersey which Jacqueline refers to as the “armpit of the earth.” They have a six year old son and Jacqueline also has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage. Jacqueline seems to be the peacemaker of the bunch and Dina mentions that “Jacqueline’s heart is as big as her boobies.” Dina also mentions later in the episode that she thinks Jacqueline is “obsessed with her” and tries to copy everything she does.

Teresa Giudice has been married to Joe for eight years. They are parents to three girls and are in the process of building their dream home. In the preview episode, Teresa and Joe visit a plastic surgeon for a consultation on how to make Teresa’s boobs bigger. Her husband pushes for the bigger size because “won’t they shrink?” (No, stupid, they won’t). Later, Dina points out that Teresa is the “jewelry whore” of the group. Teresa’s philosophy? Happy Wife, Happy Life (I already told Dave I’m getting me a t-shirt with that slogan on it).

Danielle Staub has the most inflammatory quote of the night: “You’re either gonna love me or hate me” which loosely translated means “the shit I pull is gonna send Bravo’s ratings through the roof.” Danielle, who has been engaged nineteen times, is now divorced and waiting for her ship to come in divorce settlement. Since the divorce, Danielle mentions she has had no financial freedom and needs that settlement soon. Hey, that sounds familiar. Sheree from The Real Housewives of Atlanta was waiting for a settlement too! Danielle seems to spend all her time working out and having phone sex with a dude she met online who goes by the handle “Gucci Model.” Say it with me, ewwwwwwww!! In the preview episode Danielle is preparing to go on a blind date with him which I thought usually came before having phone sex with someone(silly me). Also, and I didn’t quite catch this even though Dave and I hit rewind on the DVR about six times, but Teresa mentions something at the end of the episode about “Gucci model” (I think) going to Danielle’s house every day “for his, um, routine blow-job.” Um, what?

After all the housewife introductions, things really get weird and the episode ends with Teresa pushing over an entire table elaborately set with dishes and glassware. The rumors and accusations start flying and we hear words like “prostitution”, “kidnapping”, and “Columbian cartels”.

I’m off to make a paper chain like the one the offspring made when they counted down the days until Santa would arrive.

Because May 12th cannot get here soon enough!

Tuesday night’s episode opened with another meeting for Jill’s charity, Creaky Joints. The producers at Bravo decide to throw Kelly a bone instead of under the (school) bus and portray her as a saint when she pulls a bunch of high-end donations out of her ass makes several contributions to the silent auction, including a portrait session with her ex-husband, Gilles Bensimon the wrinkly old French guy top fashion photographer. Jill points out that Kelly’s behavior at the last meeting was really weird but whatever, now she’s on board with the varsity cheerleader’s car wash charity event.

Ramona showed up at the meeting and it was the first time she had seen Jill since Mario and Jill got all pissy with each other at the Page Six party. Ramona inquired as to whether the tennis match was still on and Jill agreed right away, feeling confident since Justin Gimelstob agreed to be her ace in the hole partner.

LuAnn spends some time at the Boys and Girls Club of Brooklyn. She wants to help the girls build self-esteem and a positive self image. LuAnn bores the girls silly with some drivel about how her husband, Count Chocula, built the Suez Canal and tells them before she met the Count she was just a regular old American Indian girl (feather, not dot). LuAnn asks some of the girls what they want to be when they grow up. One of the girls says she wants to be a babysitter (and LuAnn laughs). Another little girl wants to be a model and LuAnn asks her to stand up, so she can see how tall she is. The short little girl is a poster child for childhood obesity but LuAnn tells her she “has plenty of time to grow, she has a beautiful face, and dieting is easy!” LuAnn single-handedly destroys any self esteem the little girl has and Jenny Craig just got another life-long customer.

Oh, excuse me, my cell phone is ringing. Hmmmm…it’s my friend Janice in New York. I wonder why she’s calling me at this time of day. It must be pretty important.

Me: “Hey Jan, what’s up?”
Janice: “You will never guess who I was just in the elevator with!”
Me: “Oh my God, If you tell me it was one of the Real Housewives of NYC I’m going to shit!”
Janice: “I was in the elevator with Ramona Singer!”
Me: “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Janice: “I had to walk the other way when we got out of the elevator so she wouldn’t hear me call you.”
Me: “How’d she look?”
Janice: “She’s tiny.”
Me: “She’s had some work done.”
Janice: “She looks good.”

Janice did some super-sleuthing and discovered that Ramona’s office is not far from where she works so Janice is going to try to keep tabs on Ramona. Stick with me kids because thanks to Janice, my Real Housewives re-caps might include some “behind the scenes” gossip not filtered through Bravo’s fine editing process.

Jill invites Bethenny over to see her newly decorated apartment and as soon as Bethenny takes it all in she delivers the best quote of the night: “It’s like Liberace, Versace, like, la cucaracha-y.”

And those shiny tables that consist of the letters P-O-P? And another O because those things look like shit.

Kelly and Max go on a date and he tells her that, after their last date, he found sparklies all over his face from her super greasy Bonne Bell makeup. Kelly enjoys the “flirt-fest” a little longer and then grabs her Trapper Keeper and brags to all the girlfriends gathered around her locker, “Everyone wants to go to the spring prom with Max and Max wants to go with me!”

Meanwhile, Jill’s sure thing, Justin Gimelstob, made up an excuse hurt his back and can’t play in the match against Mario and Ramona. The Mean Girls Jill and Bethenny ask Simon to play in the tennis match instead.

Simon is so excited to be included in the popular girl’s clique he forgets to ask about the hazing ritual.

On the day of the big match, Ramona marks her territory by peeing all over the lobby refuses to wait inside by the tennis court which forces Simon to hide until she finally leaves. The Mean Girls do not want to miss the opportunity to use the element of surprise to their advantage.

Finally Simon arrives courtside and begins to plaster himself with terry cloth sweatbands. Ramona and Mario spoil the fun by refusing to get all jacked up about Simon being the mystery player.

Simon proceeds to play the worst tennis I’ve even seen and Alex slumps further down in her chair, counting down the minutes until she can get drunk enough to forget the whole humiliating experience.

Ramona and Mario win the match, natch. The Mean Girls thank Simon for being such a good sport but then wait for him to fall asleep so they can put his bra in the freezer and his fingers in warm water. They laugh hysterically when he pisses himself and then go back to having a pillow fight in their t-shirts and underwear.

Well, there you have it. Another satisfying episode of Saved By The Bell The Real Housewives has come to an end.

Stay tuned next week when the Housewives grow up and head off to college.

Oh, before I forget. I’m also working on a post for The Real Housewives of New Jersey preview. It’ll be done, well, sometime. Did anyone else see it? If not, I have a few teasers for you: hairless cat, strip club, blowjob.

I know!