The Island

I am thirty years old when I met T.J. Callahan for the first time. He and his best friend Ben are waiting for me at gate 12, sitting in a row of hard plastic chairs looking bored, the way most fourteen-year-olds look when they are not at the movies, or the mall, or the skateboard park. T.J. is wearing a baseball cap, even though his mother had asked him not to, knowing it would be harder for me to identify him in a crowd if he covered up his bald head. I don’t know if he wears the hat anyway because he is mad about having no hair, mad at his parents for making him leave Chicago for the summer, or mad at me even though I had the least input in any of it. Fortunately, his mother had described him in detail: pale, small for his age, carrying a blue backpack, ear buds a permanent fixture. Even with his bald head covered, I recognize him easily.

I walk up to him, pulling my wheeled carry on bag behind me. “T.J.? Hi. I’m Anna Elliott. I reach out and shake his hand. It’s nice to finally meet you. “Oh, hey,” T.J. says. “You too.” “And you must be Ben,” I say to the boy sitting next to T.J. “How was your party? “ “Uh, it was okay,” he says. They both look uncomfortable and neither one of them will look at me for very long. It’s going to be a slow process, I remind myself.

I‘ll be right back,” I say. I’m going to check on our flight and buy a magazine. Do you want anything T.J.?” “No, I’m good,” he says. As I walk away, I hear Ben say, “Dude, your babysitter is smokin’ hot.”

“She’s my tutor, asshole.”

When I return from the gift shop, T.J. is sitting alone. “Did Ben take off?” I ask. “Yeah, his mom was waiting for him out front. He wouldn’t let her come in with us.”

“Did you have a good time at the party?” I ask.

“Not really,” T.J. said.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I know you were looking forward to it.”

He shrugs. “No biggie.”

Do you want to get something to eat?” I ask. “We have time before we have to board.”

“I’m not hungry. I just want to listen to my music.”

“Okay.”

I open my magazine and the first thing I see, after I thumb through several of the pages, is an article about how to make your boyfriend commit, as if it is really so easy that a magazine can tell you how it’s done. Married in three easy steps or something to that effect. It’s the same article; recycled monthly in any number of random magazines I can’t stop reading. Because dating John for eight years and still not being any closer to the alter despite my wholehearted desire to marry and start a family must mean that there is something definitely wrong with me and if I can apply this advice, really absorb it and correct my mistakes, I can convert my boyfriend into a fiancé. Although maybe having a magazine article try and help me is preferable to my friends and family and lately, total strangers, offering assistance when they find out that, at age thirty, I am still without a ring on my finger and a baby in my arms.

I think back to why I am sitting in an airport, getting ready to embark on a _____ hour flight halfway across the world in order to spend the entire summer away from my home. At least I have a career I’m happy with. I teach eighth grade at a private school and when a fellow teacher of mine, happily married and newly pregnant, told me a family in a neighboring district was having a hard time finding a tutor for their son, I gave them a call.

Tom and Sharon Callahan are desperate by the time I arrive at their downtown Chicago apartment for the interview. “Thank you for coming,“ Mrs. Callahan says as she opens the door. “We’re so happy you might be able to help us,“ Mr. Callahan adds, “Everyone we’ve interviewed is interested in the position but not willing to be gone the whole summer.”

I learn that Mr. Callahan is an architect who has built a resort that is nearing completion. He wants his entire family, especially T.J. and his two younger sisters, to join him for the summer while he puts the finishing touches on the project.

“Why don’t you tell me a little bit about T.J.,” I say. “Has he worked with a tutor before? Is he having trouble in a particular subject?”

Mrs. Callahan and Mr. Callahan trade glances. “T.J. is recovering from Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. He’s missed so much school that he may not be able to advance to ninth grade with the rest of his class. He doesn’t want to be left behind but he’s not happy about having to make up the work over the summer. Or to have to leave Chicago. But we want him to be with us, for our family to be together. This has been a hard year for everyone but most of all for T.J.”

I tell myself that is there an upside to breaking up with your commitment shy boyfriends of eight years,

Step 1.

A fifteen-year-old boy with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and the thirty-year-old woman hired to tutor him are stranded on a deserted island for five years.

Step 2.

Fifteen-year-old T.J. Callahan has recently completed treatment for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. T.J’s father is an architect whose firm is building a resort hotel in the Maldives. He wants his family to accompany him there for the summer while he completes the finishing details on the project. T.J. wants to remain in Chicago, recuperating and spending time with his friends. Because of his illness, he has missed enough school to jeopardize advancing to tenth grade with the rest of his class. Thirty-year-old Anna Elliott has been hired by T.J.’s parents to tutor him over the summer and help him catch up.

T.J. wants to stay behind for one week before flying to the Maldives. A classmate is having a party to celebrate the end of the school year and T.J. finally feels healthy enough to socialize. His parents agree to let T.J. go to the party and arrange for Anna and T.J. to fly to the Maldives together (don’t actually call it the maldives – pick one of the actual islands in the maldives and call it that).

Anna and T.J. run into delays while waiting to board their chartered sea plane at the Mal`e International Airport. After waiting, exhausted, for over eight hours, they are told another small, non-sea plane is available shortly after midnight as the airline has called in one of it‘s pilots. No one expects them until morning and Anna decides not to call T.J.‘s parents since it is so late (or, she can’t get cell service so she is not able to tell them that they are boarding a different flight). No one knows that T.J. and Anna have actually taken off from the airport.

Anna smells something strange when they first get on the plane but doesn’t identify it as rum until it is too late. The pilot is drunk and flies off course. Fuel is running low. Anna confronts the pilot and tries to make him understand the severity of the situation. She begs him to get on the radio but instead he vomits all over her, the radio, and the instrument panel. He tells her he will put them down on the runway gently and she screams that they are over the ocean. He finally has a moment of clarity just before they run out of fuel and ditch in the ocean (or he passes out and it‘s too late for Anna to get on the radio herself). Anna yells for T.J. to find life vests and a life raft. There is a life raft on board but they can’t find it once they crash. Anna is screaming for T.J. to buckle up but she doesn‘t make it back to her seat in time and is thrown from the plane in a shower of broken glass and twisted metal.

She is badly injured but is able to swim to the surface. She screams for T.J. amid the debris of the wreckage and at first she can’t find him, and thinks he has drowned, but then he yells for her. They grab seat cushions for flotation and get clear of the plane which is slowly sinking.

Anna is terrified of open water and also badly hurt. She has a severe concussion and the two things cause her to lose consciousness. She remembers almost nothing until they wash up on the shore of the island. They are badly sunburned (T.J.’s bald head is very red). There may or may not have been white tip reef sharks in the water with them.

Back at Male International Airport, Anna had bought T.J. a large bottle of water, some snacks, and a snowboarding magazine. T.J. did not want any of it at the time so he put everything in his backpack. He was able to grab the backpack out of the floating debris and has saved water from the bottle for Anna. He tells her that she puked a lot while they were in the water, and that he was afraid she was going to die. Both of Anna’s eyes are swollen shut and her face is a mess. T.J. tells her that he was barely able to keep her head above water.

They move to shade and realize they need to find more water, food, and shelter. They discover a crude shack and the skeleton of someone who died in it. The shelter contains a ukulele, a knife, a blanket, and some clothes.

They start a fire with the lighter T.J. has in his backpack. They want to light a fire to signal whoever might be looking for them. They try to find green leaves to make it smoky. It won’t work at first but they wait an hour for it to dry out more, and try it again. She asks him later why he had a lighter and he tells her that lots of his friends have them for cigarettes, fireworks, etc…”Sometimes Ben and I smoke.” “That‘s really stupid T.J. but your bad habit may have just saved our lives.“They don’t find fresh water but it’s the rainy season so they use whatever they can to collect it when it rains. They are convinced they will be rescued soon. They discuss where they think they are and that T.J.’s parents will be looking for them by now.

They start to explore the island because they need to find food. There are coconut trees but they can’t reach the coconuts. Anna is still very injured and they are both weak. They still have a little water and some slim jims. They spend their first night in the crude shelter after she and T.J. dispose of the skeleton. They start what will be a five year ordeal of making sure the fire does not go out. They also start collecting water because it’s the rainy season (they use the knife to cut down one of the plastic water bottles to collect rain in). They spend a horrible first night not being able to sleep and worrying that the fire will go out.

Anna is so convinced they will be rescued soon that she only wants to sit on the beach looking for boats or helicopters. They don’t have anything to eat other than coconuts (which they finally get out of the tree by having T.J. stand on Anna’s shoulders to knock them down. They find a sea turtle (they have to kill it by smashing it with a rock), cook it, and eat it. It is horrible and they only gag it down because they are starving. They want to fish but have nothing to use for hooks or line (when her suitcase washes up on shore they will use her earrings and threads from her scarf to catch fish with). Anna is also still dealing with her injuries. (This section of the book needs to reflect real hardship for Anna and T.J.).

Anna and T.J. are hungry, sweaty, dirty, tired, and discouraged when no rescue boat or helicopter arrives. They have been on the island three weeks and Anna is slipping into a deep depression. T.J. is doing better than she is. The most despairing time for Anna and T.J. is when T.J. voices out loud what Anna has been thinking: no one is looking for them because they don’t know where to look or they assume they are dead. Anna sinks even deeper into depression.

T;J. is walking along the water’s edge looking for driftwood when he spots Anna’s suitcase. He runs up the beach yelling for Anna and shows her the suitcase. They open it and go through the contents and they are both very happy. Anna gives T.J. one of her t-shirts. Anna and T.J. use the soap and shampoo and take a bath and wash their hair in the ocean. Anna uses her toothbrush and then offers it to T.J. He accepts it gratefully and from then on they always share everything, being careful to ration it. Anna finally smiles and T.J. smiles back at her and there is a glimmer of hope.

T.J. starts fishing using Anna’s earrings and threads from her scarf. T.J. catches his first fish and they cook it on a flat rock next to the fire. They start to get more and more organized and they also explore the ocean (make sure to describe it as being small with a bluff – also introduce the cave). Decide whether there are rats, spiders, or snakes. Keep making changes to how they collect water, coconuts, etc…making sure it’s more efficient as time goes by. See if there is anything else in Bones’ shelter they can use.

They see a ship one day but it’s far off and they don’t get to the fire in time to throw green leaves on it to make smoke. This sets Anna back a little in terms of despair and depression.

Have things get better soon and show how they begin to adapt. Anna will realize that she is not pulling her weight because she’s so upset about being stranded and that it’s not fair to T.J. Also have one of them try to figure out how long they’ve been there and make it more original than carving notches on a tree branch.

Eighteen months has gone by. T.J. is seventeen and I am thirty-two. They have an easy,

friendly relationship based on teamwork, mutual respect, and common ground. They share stories about their families (T.J. has two younger sisters – Anna has a sister who is married and has two kids – they both have parents who are still married to each other). They also play endless games of checkers on a board they have drawn in the sand. They swim together every day (Anna asks in the beginning if T.J. thinks there are any sharks in the inlet. He tells her about the many sharks he saw after they ditched in the ocean (“I don’t think they were the bad kind.”).

Anna is frustrated because her hair has gotten long (middle of her back) and it’s tangled.

She doesn’t have any scissors (we don’t have scissors but we have a god damn

ukulele!) T.J. is sitting in the sand strumming the ukulele “They should have a video game that lets you pretend you’re playing a real guitar……..)After they get done washing up in the ocean, T.J. offers to comb her hair and she accepts. While he is combing her hair she realizes how long it’s been since she’s felt a human touch. This is the first inkling the reader will have that there is something growing between them. They also describe each other since they haven’t looked in a mirror in almost two years. T.J. has grown and is much taller than Anna. His hair has grown in and it’s pretty long. He still has his braces on but he is tan and well muscled. He tells Anna she is pretty.

Anna has the dream about John. Afterward, they share their stories and T.J. tells Anna about Emma and his treatment and banking sperm and Emma dying. Anna deals with the realization that T.J. is not a virgin.

T.J. takes his braces off and becomes more self-assured. Anna realizes that T.J. has started flirting with her a little (shaking his wet hair on her bare skin, lifting her on his shoulders to reach coconuts. Boosting his hand under her butt to help her up the bluff.

Anna proposes that she tutor T.J. as much as she can (from memory – they have no books or materials). She convinces him by telling him that when they get off the island, he can take the GED and maybe not have to worry about making up all the school he’s missed. He agrees as long as she’ll teach him while he’s building their house as he doesn’t just want to sit idle and learn. She agrees and the end up working really well together on both the house and his studies.

T.J. catches her staring at him a few times. She starts to have an inner conflict about what is right and wrong in regard to her student.

Anna is swimming when T.J. comes running down from the bluff after seeing the shark fin (they go up to the bluff several times a day to scan the horizon for ships). Anna is traumatized. They watch the fin go back and forth in their inlet. Anna won’t go back in the water and one day T.J. watches her shave her legs by the shore.

Anna starts having nightmares and can’t sleep because she is so freaked out about the shark. She wakes up screaming one night and T.J. comforts her by spooning her back to sleep. After that night, he starts spooning her when he thinks she is asleep. One night, Anna gets up to check the fire and when she comes back, T.J. is lying on his back so she snuggles up next to him and lays her head on his chest. She thinks he’s asleep but once she gets settled, he pulls her closer.

T.J. vows to catch the shark. It takes him a while but he finally does. He has to whittle a spear and stab the shark while hanging out over the water on a rock formation. It’s a tiger shark and they stuff themselves on it. They both burp really loud and Anna laughs. Anna makes the comment about feeling her stomach, because it’s so full, and T.J. does, his hand lingering, which has a big effect on Anna. The first time they get back in the ocean to bathe, Anna is so scared she climbs up on T.J. because she thinks something has brushed up against her foot. He thinks it’s funny and she pretends to be mad. He has also developed a sore throat and is running a slight fever.

That night, T.J. does not spoon Anna because he has gotten sicker and he can’t sleep. He is sitting by the fire and when Anna notices he’s not asleep beside her, she goes to find him. They have aspirin (from Anna’s suitcase) so she gives him some and tries to get him to go back to sleep.

He is much worse the next day. His throat is sore and his glands are very swollen (we know from an earlier conversation that a fever and a lump on his neck were the early symptoms of his Hodgkin’s). T.J. gets sicker and sicker and Anna is beside herself with worry. She is afraid he will die and also afraid that she will be left alone. She goes up to the bluff and there is internal dialogue ( I’m going to try and hold on as long as I can. I don’t think the bluff is high enough to do what I need to do. He is the only thing that makes being on this island bearable. I don’t want to lose my best friend.

Anna has T.J.’s head in her lap. She is wiping his forehead with a wet rag and crying. After what seems like forever, his fever breaks and he wakes up. It is very emotional because she thought for sure he was going to die. This is a turning point for Anna because she realizes just how deep her feelings for T.J. have become. T.J. recovers slowly and Anna and T.J. grow closer.

Shortly after T.J.’s recovery, they notice the sky doing weird things and they figure out a hurricane is coming. They know they will have to take shelter in the cave (which Anna hates because of snakes (“you’re such a girl Anna). They will also lose their fire as they can’t make one in the cave because it’s too small. They take everything they own to the cave and prepare to ride out the storm.

T.J. and Anna are in the cave and T.J. is spooning her from behind. The storm is loud and neither of them can sleep. T.J. says, “I want you Anna.” She knows exactly what he means but she has a moral dilemma to ponder. “I can’t,” she says. “It will change everything.” “Yes you can Anna. You can do anything you want. We can do anything we want. She hesitates a little longer and then she turns toward T.J. (I turn around to face T.J., and together we cross the line between teacher and student and we cross it for hours as the hurricane winds howl.

Anna and T.J. wake up and, holding hands, go down from the bluff to see what is left of their home. If the lighter doesn’t work they will have to rub two sticks together but luckily, there is a small flame, enough to light their fire once more.

T.J. is 18 and I am 33.

T.J. and Anna settle in and continue having a sexual relationship. They get along well and joke about John’s un-willingness to commit (one time she says Irie and then describes for T.J. how she and John went to Jamaica (another birthday trip where he didn’t propose – they laugh about the fact that he gave her a gold tennis bracelet and not a diamond ring). T.J. and Anna get closer and closer and he tells her he loves her ( I love you Anna. And I mean it. I love you too T.J.) In time T.J. talks about how he wants a family someday and all he wants is to stay in one place and settle down and be happy. I wish we could start a family now Anna. I know you want a baby. She laughs it off saying “You left your sperm at home honey.”

Tsunami scene. Anna and T.J. are walking hand in hand along the shore when they notice the water has receded strangely. Neither of them knows what is going on but they decide to go up to the bluff to see if they can see farther. They barely make it to high ground before the tsunami wave engulfs the entire island. Anna and T.J. are separated but end up clinging to trees a short distance apart from each other. They are battered and waterlogged and tired and thirsty and Anna tells T.J. she can’t hold on much longer and wants to let go. He yells and screams and begs her to hang on as the water will recede again soon. She tells him she can’t hold on any longer, and that she loves him, and just as she is about to give up, they hear the sound of a helicopter and are rescued.

Anna and T.J. are brought aboard a coast guard ship. The people on board are stunned to discover who Anna and T.J. really are. They call their families for them and Anna talks to her sister and T.J. talks to his mom and dad. They are celebrating but they are so tired and worn out from the tsunami that they shower, eat, and go to sleep in the same bed.

They arrive on a plane at O’Hare to a crowd of reporters. Their families rush to them as they get off the plane. T.J. and his family are joyfully reunited but only Anna’s sister, brother in law, and nieces are there. Anna finds out that her parents passed away while she was on the island. Anna is devastated and when T.J. realizes what is wrong, he rushes to comfort her. He kisses her cheeks and smoothes back her hair and pulls her close while telling her it will be okay. He comforts her the way a spouse or a significant other would and when they finally pull away, everyone is staring at them.

T.J. has Anna write down her sister’s phone number so he can call her in a day or two, after they’ve had a chance to visit with their families. Anna feels lost immediately. She does love being with her sister and is grateful to be home. T.J. calls Anna to say good night and she is so happy. She gets his phone number and they make plans to get together in a few days.

Anna’s sister arranges for a hairdresser to come to her house to do Anna’s hair and give her a mani/pedi. Anna also goes to the doctor and dentist and receives a clean bill of health (except for slight malnutrition and being a bit underweight).T.J. calls to tell her that his cancer is still in remission.

T.J. goes to Anna’s apartment (which she owns free and clear – it has been paid for by Anna’s parent’s estate they always wanted to have something for her to come home to and wouldn‘t sell it). Really describe the two of them seeing each other for the first time off the island. Haircuts, makeup, Anna wearing a dress. T.J. brings her sweet tarts and roses. T.J. is full of plans for them but Anna is conflicted about their relationship off the island. She feels that she needs to let him go so that he can lead the life of a normal 19 year old but she can’t bring herself to say anything that night as she is so happy to see him. He spends the next two days and nights with her and they have a wonderful time.

After he leaves, Anna realizes she’s got to let him go. She wants him to go about his business without distraction. T.J.’s mother shows up at Anna’s door and confronts her about their relationship. Anna is totally honest but tells T.J.’s mom that it’s not her decision to make, it‘s T.J.’s “Be happy that I love him enough to let him go,” I tell her.

Anna breaks things off with T.J. and he is devastated. He will take her calls for a while but finally tells her she can’t have it both ways. Anna is very sad. She also gets a surprise visit from John who is still not married. She talks to her sister and tells her that she still loves T.J. She also goes to a shrink who tries to make her feel guilty for being with T.J. so she walks out. It is Anna’s sister that finally approaches T.J. to tell him what she thinks but T.J. will have to verbalize this to Anna via dialogue as everything is from Anna’s POV and we don’t know what’s going on with T.J.

T.J. shows up at Anna’s sister’s house and makes his speech about being with her. She accepts his proposal.

EPILOGUE

T.J. and Anna get married at the courthouse. They start a family right away using T.J.’s banked sperm. They have a daughter and name her Emma.

T.J.’s mom is at the house, holding Emma in her arms. Having a grandchild has softened her to the situation. Anna and T.J. get a big TV. T.J. and his friend Ben spend hours playing rock band. Anna is pregnant again.

T.J. is 22. I am 37.

Your “tissue weight” material fools nobody (and makes me look like a prostitute since everyone can see my bra right through the fabric). If I wanted to wear a camisole under everything I buy from the Gap I’d just……

write a series of funny things to dave and the offspring on post it notes and then take pictures of the notes and scan them and write a post.

Dear Dave,

The dishwasher looks like it was loaded by a glue sniffing schizophrenic. Was it you?

hawkeye games

my hair

my weight

I know, I know, I’ve been MIA, and a totally shitty blogger (sorry Jules!) but I’ve been spinning my wheels and getting absofuckinglutely nowhere super busy keeping the offspring from killing each other and I haven’t been able to find more than two consecutive minutes to sit on my ass in front of this computer and think up witty and clever anecdotes to publish on the Internet.

First of all, I spent days gathering up all the superfluous crap in our entire house so I could have a garage sale and then managed to lose money on it considering I paid $20 in advertising costs and only sold approximately $10 worth of our shit. Fail. I had hardly any customers which is why I will not have another garage sale until hell freezes over or all the Real Housewives remove their breast implants. And the only reason I decided to have a garage sale in the first place is because not all of our old furniture sold when I advertised it on craigslist and some of it was still taking up a bunch of room in the garage and I thought, “Hey, I’ll unload this furniture and a bunch of our other crap and then our garage will be completely empty and sparkly clean and Dave will think I’m a goddess because he loves that fucking garage and will spend 45 minutes right before company is coming sweeping the floor because he totally gives a shit about where we keep our cars and our garbage can.” But as of this posting our garage looks like the city dump and Dave’s car is still not being parked inside it.

You’re probably wondering what the hell any of this has to do with the Yeti, right? I’m getting to it, I promise.

And I know, I said I wasn’t going to blog about Yeti anymore. I said I was going to remove all the posts under this label but I haven’t. Because something happened last week that made me think being thrown in the slammer for writing about and then going all columbine on my neighbor might be totally worth it. So, yes, I’m going to continue writing whatever the hell I want about the Yeti but I won’t be posting pictures because that seems to be more of the illegal part.

Seriously? I am pissed. And so mature that when I passed Yeti in her car today I made a face at her (but did not crash my car into hers on purpose so yay me!).

Here’s what happened. The other day, my roving photojournalist in the ‘hood’s husband (they live on one side of The Yeti) told me they found a dead squinny in their yard (and for those of you who don’t know, a squinny is what we call a ground squirrel here in Des Moines. I have no idea why). Then, a few days later, Lauren stumbled upon a dead raccoon in the yard of the neighbors on the other side of The Yeti.

A while ago it came to my attention that The Yeti believes there is some kind of mole infestation in her yard (though no one else in the ‘hood, including us, has seen a mole). She set out huge traps that look kind of like mouse traps but bigger. While the traps are certainly disturbing enough, I also thought I remembered my roving photojournalist in the ‘hood mentioning that the Yeti was using some sort of poison to kill trespassers moles but she’s in Hawaii and doesn’t have Internet right now so I have to wait until she gets back to see if the poison hypothesis is true or not. But, I find it unsettling that animals are totally falling over dead so the poison thing is probably true because the Yeti is like the poster child for neighborhood sociopaths, psychopaths crazy people.

Anyway, back to the dead raccoon. My neighbor, whose yard the raccoon was busy rigor mortising in, was not home so I called Animal Control and the Public Works department for her. Unfortunately, they will only remove dead animals if they’re in the middle of the road or something. I was all “So what you’re telling me is you won’t come get it?” and they were all “No, not unless it’s in a public area” and I was all “You know this probably encourages people to just throw dead animals in their trash cans” and they were all like “Uh huh.” So, anyway, if something dies in your yard you are S.O.L. on disposal assistance. Just sayin’. I also wanted to call the regular police and the fashion police because right after Lauren discovered the raccoon I saw the Yeti lurking in her backyard and she was wearing a fugly pair of red pants and hello? That is just wrong.

Anyway, as soon as my roving photojournalist in the ‘hood returns from Hawaii I am going to ask her about the poison and if I can prove that the Yeti is a serial animal killer I will be making some phone calls. I come from a long line of wildlife preservationists, conservationists, fuck animal lovers! and I will not stand by and watch the crazy Yeti kill everything displaced by our urban sprawl.

And I am thisclose to doing something to the Yeti that might land me in the slammer and I’m going to need someone to bake me a cake with a file in it so I can bust myself out.

Someone? Anyone?

(Am I right Kirsti Alley – insert photo??)

It was like fate poking me in the belly saying, “Hey chubby, give Dave the other half of your sandwich.

Dave wanted to make a sandwich using the broiler. Even though I knew how this would probably end I tried to walk him through the steps of toasting his sandwich.

Sometime around the fourth of July, Dave usually takes a week off work to spend at home with me and the offspring. Our household instantaneously morphs into a Jimmy Buffet song and I am usually “A Cheeseburger in Paradise” away from falling into a trans fat laden, alcohol flooded abyss where everyone’s treadmill is used exclusively for drying sweaters (okay you all know I don’t actually eat beef but Jimmy does not have any songs about chicken).

this phrase made my blood run cold:

suddenly I need guacamole like I need a heartbeat and Internet access.

I’ve mentioned on this blog that I try not to drink on school nights. But lately, starting with the week of the Kenny Chesney concert and cruising through the Memorial Day weekend, I’ve been averaging 3-4 nights of happy juice.

do. then talk.