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I Regret To Inform You That Flashback Friday Will Not Occur Today

  • August 7, 2009

I’m in a big ass hurry to get out of town before my brother and sister in law change their minds about watching the offspring and I can’t find any funny pictures for Flashback Friday but to make it up to you I am working on a post about my horrible PMS which I will publish no later than Sunday night. Or Monday if I am still kind of drunk hungover on Sunday. Which is quite possible.

So no Flashback Friday+drunk/hungover=everything you ever wanted to know about my monthly hellish hormonal psychotic episodes.

I know.


Crack Dip Recipe

  • August 6, 2009

Some of you have recently asked for my crack dip recipe (originally given to me by my friend Wendy) so I thought I’d post it again. Everyone in the world loves it except for my friend Shellie and her friends but I’m pretty sure it’s just because they made it wrong (just kidding, I love you Shellie!).

Here’s what you need:

1 – 9 oz. jar of Archer Farms Habanero and Roasted Pineapple Dip, available at Super Target. It is in the pickle/olive aisle and sometimes it’s hard to find.

2 – 8 oz. bricks of cream cheese (please do not use the fat free crap). The cream cheese should be left out to soften for at least four hours.
1 – 8 oz. bag shredded sharp cheddar cheese.
1/2 of a small red onion, finely diced. Be careful because too much red onion will overpower the dip. You can always add more later.

Here’s what you do:

Mix together cream cheese and habanero dip until combined. Add shredded cheese and diced onion and mix again. Refrigerate for at least one hour so the cream cheese can firm up again.

Serve with Ritz crackers. You can use other crackers but Ritz taste best with the dip.


I’m So Behind On Blogging I’m Just Getting Around To Posting About July Fourth

  • August 6, 2009

Dave and I are going to Tom and Amy’s lake house tomorrow, for the whole weekend, without the offspring. We managed to coerce, beg, convince my brother and sister-in-law to come to our house and take care of our dog and kids while we are gone (and we will be leaving big, black skid marks in the driveway as we get the hell out of dodge, people).

I can’t wait. We are going to be celebrating Dave’s birthday at the lake house and I’m packing so much liquor the bottles are going to be clank-clanking as we roll down the highway. I’m also making a double batch of crack dip even though I only have one more pair of shorts I can fit into and if I grow out of them over the weekend, I will have to shop for all new clothes next week but whatever.

Anyway, I thought I’d better finish and post the entry I started last month about our Fourth of July weekend at Tom and Amy’s lake house because I am all about chronological order. Sort of.

Probably no one cares what I did on July 4th but here it is anyway.

We spent the holiday weekend with Tom and Amy at their house on Twin Lakes. I told Amy we’d be there by twelve thirty but that was a lie because at noon, we hadn’t even left Des Moines (and you may have noticed I totally blew off Flashback Friday that day). Although we started packing at 7:00 AM, it still took us approximately six hours to pile all our crap so high in the back of the Explorer that Dave couldn’t even see out the back window. Must.Get.Better.System.

I might be slightly to blame for some of the delay in getting out of town. I tend to overpack and include things like sundresses and strapless bras. I don’t know why I bother because the reality is I spent the whole weekend schlepping around in either a wet swimsuit, shorts, or an Iowa Cubs t-shirt and grey polo sweat shirt.

We also had to drop off Chloe at the place we were boarding her. I had a slight nervous breakdown leaving my puppy behind. But I might not have to deal with my pet separation anxiety issues ever again because the people at the pet boarding place told us that Chloe has some “aggression” issues and “doesn’t play well with others.” Because of her behavior she was not allowed to participate in all aspects of the doggy daycare curriculum (um, like snacks and crafts? I mean, what are we talking here?). Apparently Dave and I are going to have to find another option for Chloe if we ever hope to take a vacation again.

Once we got on the road out of town we noticed that even though it was bright and sunny in Des Moines, the closer we got to our destination the cloudier the sky became. And Dave was in a big snit because he thought he’d try a new route to the lake and it was taking a really long time for us to get there because it was mostly two lane roads and we got behind no fewer than three cars who refused to go faster than 49 miles per hour. Plus, one time we got stuck following some sort of farm machinery thing (combine?). The offspring had started asking “when are we gonna be there” at thirty second intervals. My husband, who is usually calm and even tempered realized that the route he’s chosen sucks and he started to get pretty fucking snippy with me.

He compensated for our slow progress by putting the pedal to the metal. We got pulled over by the highway patrol approximately fourteen seconds later and Dave was busted for going seventy-nine miles an hour. I started to text something snarky to Amy and Dave said, “I bet you’re texting some sort of funny and clever remark to Amy right now, aren’t you?”

“No!” I said (Gah! Yes, totally). I hit the clr button on my phone and erased everything I just wrote. By the time Dave got his ticket and a warning to slow down, his eyes had turned demon red and I swear I could see smoke coming out of his ears. It did not help when the offspring started yelling “I can’t wait to tell everyone that dad just got a ticket.”

We finally got to the lake (it was raining a little by then) and unloaded our enormous amount of shit. Dave took a little walk by himself and when he returned we sent Tom and Dave to the store. They went to a bar first which was an excellent idea as Dave returned in a much better mood. The rain stopped so we were able to grill our dinner, light a crapload of sparklers, and make s’mores.

The fireworks at the lake were scheduled for Friday night so at dusk we all piled into the pontoon and headed out.

Shortly after the fireworks display ended, we headed back to the house in the pouring rain. We all changed into dry clothes and went to bed.

Tom’s sister in law Rita woke us up the next morning by knocking on the sliding glass door around 9:00 AM. We were participating in the fourth of July boat parade contest and we needed to get the boat decorated and be at Muddy Bay by 10:30. The theme for the contest was Around The World and we put the kids to work hanging up flags from different countries all around the outside edge of the boat. We also had globe beach balls, signs, and everyone wore a costume. We had an assortment of hats including viking, German Oktoberfest, and Irish, plus sombreros. We boated down to Muddy Bay in gale force winds and pouring rain (sleet?).

Because of the weather, there was not a huge turnout for the boat parade and we figured our odds of winning the contest just shot up due to lack of participants.

There was one other boat that looked like it might be a contender. It was a pirate ship complete with skull flags and a cannon. The captain of the boat fired the cannon every five minutes or so and I thought it was kinda cute the first time but by the time Johnny Depp had fired it fifty five thousand times I just got annoyed. Plus everybody jumped whenever we heard it because it was so loud.

Here I am representing Mexico in my sombrero and Mexican blanket thingy (which is the only reason, quite frankly, that my core body temperature did not plunge to hypothermic levels).

The boat parade finally ended and we headed back to the house to put on dry clothes and warm up. The kid’s lips were blue by the time Tom motored the pontoon boat back into the lift.

We spent the rest of the day inside, reading and playing games and trying not to get in each other’s way. It rained continuously.

Finally, at around 5:00 PM, we headed out for dinner at a local restaurant. This was an excellent idea because it got us all out of the house and gave us something to do (which basically meant consuming lots of wine with dinner). We also asked the hostess to seat the kids at a different table. We could see them, but we couldn’t hear them. We ordered drinks and had a great dinner.

We headed back to the house and were happy to see that the rain had stopped and the sky was starting to get blue. Matthew fished, the rest of the kids played, and the adults sat on the patio.

Later, Amy stayed back at the house with the kids and Dave, Tom, and I took the boat out for a ride. We drank beer, listened to the radio, and Dave drunk dialed and texted everyone in his Blackberry.

We headed home on Monday morning, tired, mosquito bitten, sunburned, and with enough dirty laundry to keep me busy for days.

I can only hope this weekend is as awesome.

P.S. Kids were ecstatic because we won 2nd place in the boat parade! The prize was $20 dollars so the four kids each got a five dollar bill.

Help Me Decide Who Would Be a Better Vampire Boyfriend, Bill Compton or Edward Cullen

  • August 6, 2009

Recently I went to Target to buy a bunch of shit we don’t really need and I threw season 1 of HBO’s True Blood into my cart. I’ve read all nine of the Southern Vampire Mysteries by Charlaine Harris, upon which the HBO show is based, and since we don’t have HBO, I’ve been anxiously awaiting the DVD’s release.

Dave and I started watching the series last week. He’s kind of mad at me because I accidentally blurted out who the killer was when we were only three episodes in (hint: it’s not a vampire). Sometimes I have Tourette’s with secrets and I couldn’t help it. Anyway, we are enjoying True Blood but I am disappointed at how unattractive the main character, vampire Bill Compton, looks on screen sometimes.

Part of my fascination with Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series, both the books and the movie, is that Edward Cullen is so fucking hot (even though technically he’s ice cold because he’s dead). Edward is so gorgeous that I just want to stare at him without blinking until my eyes cross but Bill Compton looks all swarthy and ungroomed but I think HBO is trying to make him look all brooding and deep and stuff. But if the producers of True Blood want my opinion (and hello? why wouldn’t they) I would tell them that they can drive their ratings through the roof by making Bill Compton look way more gorgeous because even though a vampire could kill me on a dime I’m willing to overlook that if the vampire is super hot. Like Edward Cullen.

Exhibit A:

I have no desire to bone Bill Compton when I see this picture.

Might bone if I was drunk.

Would definitely bone, regardless of blood alcohol level.

Would bone all day and night.

I’m still confused about who would make the better vampire boyfriend because I am not shallow enough to make this decision based solely on physical attributes. I find, in these situations, it’s best to simply pro and con it out.

Pros: Bill Compton

1) Closer to my age so I would not be seen as slutty cougar type, rawr!
2) I could bring him home to meet my dad and I’m confident dad would be totally oblivious to the fact that Bill is an old, dead vampire.
3) Strong enough to lift me no matter how much weight I gain eating crack dip.
4) Bill would spend all day in his coffin thus leaving me free to do whatever I wanted, i.e. shopping with the girls, manicures, etc…
5) As vampires don’t eat food and/or have digestive systems, I imagine Bill would not fart in bed and hold my head under the covers.

Cons: Bill Compton

1) Technically dead.
2) Would not be able to eat crack dip with me.
3) Could accidentally kill me.
4) Could kill me on purpose.
5) Cold rock hard body could make post-lovemaking snuggling problematic.

Pros: Edward Cullen

1) Gorgeous, sexy, fast, strong, beautiful, rich, vampire.
2) See item #1.
3) See item #1.
4) See item #1.
5) See item #1 infinity.

Cons: Edward Cullen

1) Way prettier than me so no one would ever notice I was standing there. Would be like invisible girlfriend.
2) Even though Edward has been around for 107 years, he is technically seventeen which means I would look like a total cougar (rawr!).
3) Is not bothered by sunlight and might start to bug me if he hung around 24/7.
4) Might not agree to have sex with me unless we were married first.
5) Can be a bit of a controlling jackass, especially if I wanted to have a beer with one of the werewolves of London.

Now I’m more confused than ever. I mean, they both have their good points, and their bad points. It’s clear I’m going to have to do more research and possibly set up a spread sheet to help me make my final decision.

Last night, Dave was on the computer for a while (hijacking my Facebook page, again).

Dave: “Gah! Why is our screen saver a picture of that vampire?”
Me: “Do.Not.Remove.My.Boyfriend.Edward.”

So, has anyone else wondered who would make the better vampire boyfriend? No? Just me again.

Okay, maybe no one else has wasted taken the time to ponder this very important issue and provide compelling reasons for, or against, Bill or Edward. But I have.

You’re welcome.

The Post Where I Tell Everyone How Awesome My Husband Is

  • August 3, 2009

Remember when I wrote that really nice letter to Santa asking him to bring me a Dooney and Bourke medium chiara bag in black leather? No? Then click here.

And then remember when Santa didn’t bring it to me because he’s a rat bastard? No? Then click here.

Well last Friday, Dave took the afternoon off and we took the offspring to the mall for a little back to school shopping (this would be between the first visit from the police, and the second).

Dave told me he’d be right back, conveniently sticking me with the offspring who were clamoring to go to Auntie Anne’s for some pretzels. After we finished our pretzels he still wasn’t back and I was starting to get a little irritated.

Dave finally found us and when I asked him where he’d been, he handed me a Dillard’s bag and said, “I was buying you this.”

Blogosphere, I’d like to introduce to you the Dooney and Bourke medium Chiara bag in black (patent) leather:

Someone is so getting lucky this month.

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