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Flashback Friday – Safety First or My Parents Were Crazy, You Decide

  • July 31, 2009

Yes I know I blew off Flashback Friday last week. It was partly because of my heinous garage sale and partly because I’m running out of pictures. I mean, I can show you snapshots of Stacy’s seventh grade slumber party where we’re all wearing our “7th graders do it better” t-shirts or pictures from 8th grade science camp but will those be entertaining to you? I’m not sure. And some of my friends promised to send me pictures for Flashback Friday yet I still haven’t received anything (losers!) so let’s blame them, K?

Anyway, I was looking through some old photo albums that my dad gave me and I found a few pictures I kind of liked:

For example, when the offspring were born, Dave and I placed them, rear facing, in the back seat in infant car seats that required an engineering degree to install. Yet my parents felt comfortable putting Trish and I in the front seat of my mom’s Corvair. Even though we are in some kind of car seat, I do not see any buckles or harnesses and would bet money that those seats aren’t attached to the car in any way.

“Um, hello? An object in motion tends to remain in motion so if you hit something mom, Trish and I are going flying.”

In this next picture, my dad is participating in the ever popular balancing a baby on one hand.

“George, put her down, you’re going to drop her!” “Oh calm down Patty, we’ve got a spare.”

“Help, this cat is gonna sit on my head, suffocate me, and then eat me!”

Oh look, someone thought it would be funny to stick buckets on the helpless twins.

This? This right here? Explains a lot. And makes me wonder if alcohol was involved.

My mom died when I was eighteen so I love looking at old pictures of her. My mom would totally love this blog. If she were alive I’d let her guest blog and I’d post pictures of us doing crazy things. I can only hope there’s Internet access in heaven and she has read my blog and is laughing her ass off. And if there’s no Internet access in heaven then I don’t want to go but if there’s no wine in hell then I can’t go there either so I’ll go to heaven after all but if there’s no Internet or wine in heaven then I want to be reincarnated immediately as a six foot tall Sports Illustrated supermodel and if that’s not possible then freeze my head in one of those cryogenic thingies but someone please put vodka in there with me because when you wake me up I’m going to need alcohol because I’ll be a head without a body and that’s kinda fucked up.

As always, thanks in advance.

I Think Yeti is Killing Animals in the ‘hood

  • July 30, 2009

I know, I know, I’ve been MIA, and a totally shitty blogger (sorry Jules!) but I’ve been spinning my wheels and getting absofuckinglutely nowhere super busy keeping the offspring from killing each other and I haven’t been able to find more than two consecutive minutes to sit on my ass in front of this computer and think up witty and clever anecdotes to publish on the Internet.

First of all, I spent days gathering up all the superfluous crap in our entire house so I could have a garage sale and then managed to lose money on it considering I paid $20 in advertising costs and only sold approximately $10 worth of our shit. Fail. I had hardly any customers which is why I will not have another garage sale until hell freezes over or all the Real Housewives remove their breast implants. And the only reason I decided to have a garage sale in the first place is because not all of our old furniture sold when I advertised it on craigslist and some of it was still taking up a bunch of room in the garage and I thought, “Hey, I’ll unload this furniture and a bunch of our other crap and then our garage will be completely empty and sparkly clean and Dave will think I’m a goddess because he loves that fucking garage and will spend 45 minutes right before company is coming sweeping the floor because he totally gives a shit about where we keep our cars and our garbage can.” But as of this posting our garage looks like the city dump and Dave’s car is still not being parked inside it.

You’re probably wondering what the hell any of this has to do with the Yeti, right? I’m getting to it, I promise.

And I know, I said I wasn’t going to blog about Yeti anymore. I said I was going to remove all the posts under this label but I haven’t. Because something happened last week that made me think being thrown in the slammer for writing about and then going all columbine on my neighbor might be totally worth it. So, yes, I’m going to continue writing whatever the hell I want about the Yeti but I won’t be posting pictures because that seems to be more of the illegal part.

Seriously? I am pissed. And so mature that when I passed Yeti in her car today I made a face at her (but did not crash my car into hers on purpose so yay me!).

Here’s what happened. The other day, my roving photojournalist in the ‘hood’s husband (they live on one side of The Yeti) told me they found a dead squinny in their yard (and for those of you who don’t know, a squinny is what we call a ground squirrel here in Des Moines. I have no idea why). Then, a few days later, Lauren stumbled upon a dead raccoon in the yard of the neighbors on the other side of The Yeti.

A while ago it came to my attention that The Yeti believes there is some kind of mole infestation in her yard (though no one else in the ‘hood, including us, has seen a mole). She set out huge traps that look kind of like mouse traps but bigger. While the traps are certainly disturbing enough, I also thought I remembered my roving photojournalist in the ‘hood mentioning that the Yeti was using some sort of poison to kill trespassers moles but she’s in Hawaii and doesn’t have Internet right now so I have to wait until she gets back to see if the poison hypothesis is true or not. But, I find it unsettling that animals are totally falling over dead so the poison thing is probably true because the Yeti is like the poster child for neighborhood sociopaths, psychopaths crazy people.

Anyway, back to the dead raccoon. My neighbor, whose yard the raccoon was busy rigor mortising in, was not home so I called Animal Control and the Public Works department for her. Unfortunately, they will only remove dead animals if they’re in the middle of the road or something. I was all “So what you’re telling me is you won’t come get it?” and they were all “No, not unless it’s in a public area” and I was all “You know this probably encourages people to just throw dead animals in their trash cans” and they were all like “Uh huh.” So, anyway, if something dies in your yard you are S.O.L. on disposal assistance. Just sayin’. I also wanted to call the regular police and the fashion police because right after Lauren discovered the raccoon I saw the Yeti lurking in her backyard and she was wearing a fugly pair of red pants and hello? That is just wrong.

Anyway, as soon as my roving photojournalist in the ‘hood returns from Hawaii I am going to ask her about the poison and if I can prove that the Yeti is a serial animal killer I will be making some phone calls. I come from a long line of wildlife preservationists, conservationists, fuck animal lovers! and I will not stand by and watch the crazy Yeti kill everything displaced by our urban sprawl.

And I am thisclose to doing something to the Yeti that might land me in the slammer and I’m going to need someone to bake me a cake with a file in it so I can bust myself out.

Someone? Anyone?

Questions I’d Like to Ask the Producers at Bravo

  • July 15, 2009

You all know I love watching the Real Housewives on Bravo, right? I’m totally a fan and I love to hit play on the DVR just so I can see what those ladies have been up to. But as I watch the show, especially the latest installment (Real Housewives of NJ), I can’t help but think of a few questions I’d like the Bravo producers to answer.

1. Exactly how many people will I have to sleep with to secure a spot on The Real Housewives of Dallas County (because seriously, would an Iowa installment be a total hoot or what?) I am comfortable sleeping with two Executive Producers, the head of casting, and maybe someone from craft services. But that’s where I draw the line because I’m married.

2. Does at least one housewife per season need to have some kind of cosmetic procedure on camera? If so, I have been planning on having the twins hoisted but will gladly wait and have this done on a future episode. I don’t care what you show, I just want new boobies and I want Bravo to pay for them.

3. In The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Bobblehead Kim with the bad weave is seen driving off in her convertible with a glass of chardonnay. If, on The Real Housewives of Dallas County, I decide to take my Ford Explorer for a spin around the ‘hood, and I have a cosmopolitan between my legs, will Bravo post bail if I’m busted for DUI or am I “on my own.”

4. Speaking of weaves, I have noticed that Theresa Guidice’s hair also looks like a bad weave/wig. And have you noticed that she and Fergie have the same exact forehead (or lack thereof, actually). If Theresa is in fact wearing a wig, do you ever worry that it’s on too tight and could explode off her head at any time and then land on the ground like a big scary black tarantula? Or is that just me?

5. I was slightly taken aback when Theresa Guidice of The Real Housewives of NJ said “blowjob” in a recent episode. I expect this from Samantha on Sex and The City but that’s HBO and you, Bravo, are no HBO (but you are my favorite network, yay!). Does the FCC not care what the Real Housewives say on the air? This could be a real bonus for me as I have the worst potty mouth you’ve ever heard. Anyway, please explain the blowjob loophole. Also? Lately douchebag has become my favorite word. Can you say douchebag on TV? Thanks in advance.

6. Why in God’s name would you send Theresa Guidice to that furniture store and have her buy all that stuff with a big stack of cash? Do you not realize that every single juvenile delinquent in Jersey now has plans to “roll” her when they see her walking down the street after dark? And then I read in People magazine that all the cash Theresa walks around with is fake. That’s absurd. Why would you talk Theresa into doing something like that? She has three little girls and another baby on the way. Do you want her to get mugged just so you can promote the stereotype that wives of mafia dudes only carry cash?

7. Why does Bethanny Frankel get to constantly promote her skinny girl margaritas when the recipe is not original and is in fact right on the back of the cointreau bottle? You don’t see me running around the ‘hood promoting tipsy housewife cosmos now, do you? Yet my recipe for them is exactly the same as the one on the cointreau bottle, too. Is it just that easy to start up a brand? Do the Cointreau people not care? Am I the only one who has made this astute connection?

8. I recently ordered a Happy Wife Happy Life T-shirt from Theresa Guidice’s web site (and a blinged out pink baseball cap with the same slogan – I am stylin’!). But, the shirt had a tear down the seam when it arrived so can you tell Theresa the workmanship at her sweat shop is “sub par” and also let her know I’m going to be contacting her to exchange the shirt.

9. Though this post is Theresa Guidice-centric, she is not actually my favorite housewife (although I like her just fine even though her T-shirts are crap). My favorite housewife from OC is Vicki or Jeana, my favorite from NY is Jill, and my favorite from NJ is Jacqueline (I don’t like any of the Atlanta housewives because they are all whiny, gold-digging whores). Who is your favorite housewife and why? Who is the biggest pain in the ass? Who drives your ratings through the roof? Is it Danielle from NJ? I bet it is.

10. And finally, have any of the Real Housewives developed rampant alcoholism due to drinking all the time on your show? And do you think Lynne from OC smokes a lot of pot since she’s really spacey and didn’t know if her home had air conditioning in that one episode? I read that Vicki and Jeana were taking some kind of supplement to try to lose weight but do you think they might actually be dabbling in meth? As I mentioned previously, they are my favorite OC housewives so I hope not.

Anyway Bravo, if you get a minute, maybe you can write me back with the answers to my questions.

Thanks in advance,

Tracey (Bravo’s biggest fan!)

Flashback Friday – Shit I Wore That I Thought Made Me Look Really Hawt

  • July 10, 2009

Back in my single days, getting ready to head out on the town with my girlfriends was almost as much fun as deciding what bar we’d be trolling around in. We tried very hard to select the perfect outfit to help us land Mr. Right (or at the very least, maybe a temporary overnight boyfriend).

One of my favorite articles of clothing was this red cardigan although I have no idea why since nothing screams “I’m about as sexy as a librarian” quite like a cardigan. My only regret? That I don’t have a picture of me wearing the cardigan with my red stirrup pants and red flats. That cardigan was not a man magnet at all but that didn’t stop me from wearing it all the time.

Here’s a picture of my roommate Janice rockin’ the cardigan. I don’t think either of us ever picked up a single dude while wearing it.

Next is the off the shoulder black sweater. I wore it no matter how hot or cold it was outside and I loved it. Why I would pair it with black bike shorts and black slingbacks I have no idea. Ditto for posing on a bathroom counter in a bar. Alcohol may have been involved.

I added black wayfarers to the sweater for extra hotness.

After I met Dave I moved on to something I’ll call “the blazer years.” I swear I had at least ten blazers and you would never see me not wearing one of them. This is the blazer I was wearing the night I met Dave (thus proving that proper outfit selection will in fact eventually land you a husband). I loved this blazer and wore it all the time.

Here I am wearing it again. Dave and I are singing “Afternoon Delight” at Karaoke back when he still used to sing with me.

Next up is the mustard blazer. It was a favorite from approximately 1992-1994. Check out Dave’s shirt. I hadn’t started dressing him yet.

I still have my favorite outfits although now I tend to choose them based on weight fluctuations and how hot or cold it is outside. I’m partial to black and white worn together and I also like khaki and black. And I love my chunky silver Silpada jewelry although ten years ago I would have worn only gold.

What was your favorite outfit? The one you wore all the time and loaned to your girlfrieds. The one that made you feel HAWT.

I know you had one.

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