You all know I love watching the Real Housewives on Bravo, right? I’m totally a fan and I love to hit play on the DVR just so I can see what those ladies have been up to. But as I watch the show, especially the latest installment (Real Housewives of NJ), I can’t help but think of a few questions I’d like the Bravo producers to answer.
1. Exactly how many people will I have to sleep with to secure a spot on The Real Housewives of Dallas County (because seriously, would an Iowa installment be a total hoot or what?) I am comfortable sleeping with two Executive Producers, the head of casting, and maybe someone from craft services. But that’s where I draw the line because I’m married.
2. Does at least one housewife per season need to have some kind of cosmetic procedure on camera? If so, I have been planning on having the twins hoisted but will gladly wait and have this done on a future episode. I don’t care what you show, I just want new boobies and I want Bravo to pay for them.
3. In The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Bobblehead Kim with the bad weave is seen driving off in her convertible with a glass of chardonnay. If, on The Real Housewives of Dallas County, I decide to take my Ford Explorer for a spin around the ‘hood, and I have a cosmopolitan between my legs, will Bravo post bail if I’m busted for DUI or am I “on my own.”
4. Speaking of weaves, I have noticed that Theresa Guidice’s hair also looks like a bad weave/wig. And have you noticed that she and Fergie have the same exact forehead (or lack thereof, actually). If Theresa is in fact wearing a wig, do you ever worry that it’s on too tight and could explode off her head at any time and then land on the ground like a big scary black tarantula? Or is that just me?
5. I was slightly taken aback when Theresa Guidice of The Real Housewives of NJ said “blowjob” in a recent episode. I expect this from Samantha on Sex and The City but that’s HBO and you, Bravo, are no HBO (but you are my favorite network, yay!). Does the FCC not care what the Real Housewives say on the air? This could be a real bonus for me as I have the worst potty mouth you’ve ever heard. Anyway, please explain the blowjob loophole. Also? Lately douchebag has become my favorite word. Can you say douchebag on TV? Thanks in advance.
6. Why in God’s name would you send Theresa Guidice to that furniture store and have her buy all that stuff with a big stack of cash? Do you not realize that every single juvenile delinquent in Jersey now has plans to “roll” her when they see her walking down the street after dark? And then I read in People magazine that all the cash Theresa walks around with is fake. That’s absurd. Why would you talk Theresa into doing something like that? She has three little girls and another baby on the way. Do you want her to get mugged just so you can promote the stereotype that wives of mafia dudes only carry cash?
7. Why does Bethanny Frankel get to constantly promote her skinny girl margaritas when the recipe is not original and is in fact right on the back of the cointreau bottle? You don’t see me running around the ‘hood promoting tipsy housewife cosmos now, do you? Yet my recipe for them is exactly the same as the one on the cointreau bottle, too. Is it just that easy to start up a brand? Do the Cointreau people not care? Am I the only one who has made this astute connection?
8. I recently ordered a Happy Wife Happy Life T-shirt from Theresa Guidice’s web site (and a blinged out pink baseball cap with the same slogan – I am stylin’!). But, the shirt had a tear down the seam when it arrived so can you tell Theresa the workmanship at her sweat shop is “sub par” and also let her know I’m going to be contacting her to exchange the shirt.
9. Though this post is Theresa Guidice-centric, she is not actually my favorite housewife (although I like her just fine even though her T-shirts are crap). My favorite housewife from OC is Vicki or Jeana, my favorite from NY is Jill, and my favorite from NJ is Jacqueline (I don’t like any of the Atlanta housewives because they are all whiny, gold-digging whores). Who is your favorite housewife and why? Who is the biggest pain in the ass? Who drives your ratings through the roof? Is it Danielle from NJ? I bet it is.
10. And finally, have any of the Real Housewives developed rampant alcoholism due to drinking all the time on your show? And do you think Lynne from OC smokes a lot of pot since she’s really spacey and didn’t know if her home had air conditioning in that one episode? I read that Vicki and Jeana were taking some kind of supplement to try to lose weight but do you think they might actually be dabbling in meth? As I mentioned previously, they are my favorite OC housewives so I hope not.
Anyway Bravo, if you get a minute, maybe you can write me back with the answers to my questions.
Thanks in advance,
Tracey (Bravo’s biggest fan!)