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You! Suck! Santa!

  • December 25, 2008

Santa Claus is one big, fat, mean, purse-teasing sack of crap. There was no Dooney and Bourke medium chiara bag in black leather under the tree this morning but you can bet your ass all the cookies I left out for him were gone.

I have coveted that purse since last spring and I STILL don’t own it. I am getting tired of visiting it at Dillard’s. It should be hanging on my shoulder by now and when I’m not carrying it, I plan on placing it on a special shrine I’ve constructed in my closet.

Since I’m not willing to mainstream and get a normal job (and I’m apparently not super employable for some reason) I have to find a way to increase my cash flow and BUY THAT PURSE MYSELF. Here’s the plan:

On Tuesdays and every other Saturday I will be selling my blood and platelets to the Blood Center of Iowa. I know they like my blood because they leave at least 15 messages per month on my voice mail begging me to come in. I gave them a couple pints back in 2005 and now they won’t leave me alone (imagine how excited they’ll be when I tell them about my super preferred life insurance rating). I’m going to ask them to install one of those vibrating massage chairs like the ones I sit in when I get a pedicure because I’m going to be there a lot and I want to be comfortable.

On Mondays and Thursdays I will be stripping at The Lumberyard. My stage name will be Peaches Honeyblossom and I will be wearing long fuchsia hair extensions, white thigh high boots, and my birthday suit. Every hour, I will be workin’ the pole to a three-song set by Def Leppard. Please stop by and contribute to my purse fund by slipping me a buck or two over the tip rail.

I have also put my eggs up for sale on Craig’s List. Because I’m 41 and my eggs are possibly a little funky genetically, I have priced them very competitively and I expect them to go quickly. My profile states that I am a teetotaling midwestern housewife who enjoys biographies and knitting (I am totally screwed if they find my blog and discover that I am really a wino with a potty mouth).

By my calculations, I should have that purse in about a month and I can put all this nonsense behind me. But if you have any other good money making ventures to suggest? Please leave them in the comments section of my blog. I think I’ve proven I’m open to just about anything.

Christmas Eve weigh day

  • December 25, 2008

Today was my 3rd Weight Watchers weigh in and I must be doing something right because I lost another 1.4 lbs. That makes 7.2 lbs. total lost in December (or as I like to refer to it, the month I usually put on 6). I didn’t want to stay for the meeting because I had PLENTY to do at home to get ready for the Christmas Eve dinner that Dave and I are hosting but Arlene was shaming someone into staying and I somehow got caught in the crossfire.

Today’s meeting was interactive which means that Arlene stood up in front (very festively dressed from head to toe) and asked us to yell out our favorite tips in various categories.

Category 1 was dining out. Everyone in the meeting was very worried about that one. Really? How about, don’t order fettuccine alfredo and cheesecake? Or, plan ahead, figure how much you can eat (and more importantly, how many glasses of wine you can have) and then go to the restaurant and DO THAT.

Category 2 was how to move more. Um, get off your ass? Get up? Get vertical? Put one foot in front of the other? GET IN YOUR CAR AND DRIVE IT TO THE GYM. Stop me anytime, I’ve got more and I can keep ‘em coming. I mean, do the people in the meeting really and truly need these tips or is Arlene just filling air space and we’re all too polite to tell her what a waste of time this is.

The final category was all about emotional eating. Arlene first asked who could tell her what feeling hungry felt like. How did we know when we were hungry? Are you fucking kidding me? If I can’t tell whether or not I’m hungry I am not intelligent enough to live on my own. Or reproduce. Apparently I was the only one that felt this was a completely retarded question because everyone else started saying things like, “my stomach growls.” Or “I feel weak and get a headache.” I understand that she was trying to help us differentiate between real and emotional hunger but I’m having a hard time believing anyone at the meeting couldn’t figure that out on his or her own.

Before anyone thinks I am being unfair, I understand that Weight Watchers is a program that was written for the masses. Some people may truly find these tips helpful. I am not one of them. My only problem is making sure not to eat MORE than the amount required to lose or maintain my weight.

I think the older members of Weight Watchers do find the meetings informative. The meeting I went to today is not the one I’ve been going to for the last two weeks but it was also chock full of old people. I commend these senior citizens for still giving a damn about their weight and being willing to exercise and follow a weight loss program.

When I’m their age I have no intention of watching what I eat or exercising. I plan on driving my golf cart from the front door of my retirement village condo to the bar and nail salon, even if they are only located 1/8 of a mile from my home. I will be wearing one of many velour elastic waist tracksuits and there will always be French silk pie and a cocktail within reach. In short, I will be letting myself go PERMANENTLY.

Until then, I will keep following the Weight Watchers program. If I can survive December on a diet, the rest of the year should be a cakewalk. In the meantime, I need to find another meeting. The one all the housewives are going to.

The Real Housewives of Orange County

  • December 24, 2008

Last night’s episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County began with Tamra and Vicki, and their families, preparing for a day on the river at Vicki’s vacation home in Lake Havasu to celebrate the fourth of July. The overall theme of the day was partying and Vicki and Tamra wasted no time in getting completely hammered. In the words of Chelsea Handler, whom I adore, those two were a hot mess. (As a side note they both wore these really cute cowboy hats and I plan on getting myself one to wear at Tom and Amy’s lake house this summer).

Throughout the afternoon, Vicki and Tamra continued to drink and Vicki was very upset because Jeana brought Frankie to the lake. Frankie is a former tenant of hers and she is currently suing him for back rent. Vicki would not join Jeana and Frankie at their table so Tamra acted as go-between and went back and forth between the two while simultaneously trying to prevent her three young kids from drowning.

Later on the boat, Tamra started stroking Simon’s you-know-what through his swim trunks. I hope Tamra was mortified when she watched last night’s episode. Vicki got hit in the head with a football which was funny because I thought it was like Karma telling her to shut the hell up.

The new housewife Lynne was featured heavily on tonight’s episode. She has the strangest set of breast implants I have ever seen. They are perfectly round and sit very far apart on her chest. Other than her horrendous boobs she has a good figure but I don’t know what the hell is up with her face. She has tanned herself into a handbag and she is quite a bit more wrinkled than the other housewives. Her two teenaged daughters are nauseatingly spoiled and will no doubt follow in the footsteps of their vapid mother.

Gretchen’s fiancé Jeff was in the ICU at the hospital but Gretchen was partying at another lake with her family and they showed her drinking and having a great time. Frankly I think she has some “daddy issues” because the way she and her dad interacted gave me the creeps. He was taking a picture of her while she pretended to ride a big yellow pool noodle. Meanwhile, Jeff’s children had flown in to be with their dad at the hospital. They showed Gretchen on the phone with Jeff later and it was really sad because she kept asking him if he felt better and he kept saying no. He sounded very sick and I could not understand her partying with her family while he lay there in a hospital bed.

This episode was hard for me to watch because last week I read an article in US Weekly that Jeff DIED last September. He must have been fighting his illness very hard during the last couple episodes and that bothers me.

I can only imagine what the producers of this show were thinking when they cast Gretchen as the newest housewife, knowing her fiancé was so ill. And I’d love to know what Gretchen and Jeff were thinking. I am going to HOPE that Gretchen really loved Jeff and that she did her best to take care of a dying man. I’m going to HOPE that she did everything in her power to help him face a terminal illness with dignity. Because if she was anything but sincere I don’t want to watch this show anymore. I hope that the producers really didn’t realize Jeff would lose his battle with cancer so quickly. But if they did, shame on them and shame on Bravo.

In the previews for next week’s show, they show the housewives ganging up on Gretchen for not being by Jeff’s side. They also introduce Lynne to the other girls and it’s always entertaining to watch the housewives haze the newbie. I’m sure next week will have all kinds of conflicts and startling revelations. For the first time since I started watching this show, I’m not sure I care.

  • December 23, 2008
    The offspring are driving me bat shit crazy and I have no idea how I will survive until January 5th when they go back to school. At this point I will be happy to make it to December 26th when we ship them off to their grandparent’s for three days.

    This is what I envisioned for the last few days before Christmas: The offspring and I cuddling on the couch sipping hot chocolate. The fireplace is on and snow is falling. We are watching all the children’s Christmas classics, especially Santa Claus is coming to Town which I still love even though I’m 41. Chloe is on my lap and it is quiet, serene, and calm. All the cookies for my Christmas Eve cookie platter are baked, the gifts are wrapped and artfully stacked under the tree, and the house is clean and free of clutter. A pine candle is burning and when we’re not watching Christmas shows, we have the stereo turned to the holiday music station.

    This is what really happened:

    I finally wrapped the four presents that have been sitting on the dining room table collecting dust since I brought them home from the mall a month ago. The offspring wanted to help so it took 3 hours instead of 15 minutes.

    I made two dozen sugar cookies (one batch with egg and one without) that the offspring and Dave polished off before I could get them frosted.


    We made an emergency trip to the walk in clinic for Lauren’s sore throat because I was worried she was getting strep again and we would be without antibiotics on Christmas Day.
    While at the walk in clinic (at Dahl’s) the offspring managed to put the following in the cart while I was looking for cleaning supplies and butter: One box of cookies, 2 donuts, a brownie mix, and tiger print earmuffs.

    Lauren has said “mom” no fewer than 235 times and the top of my head is close to blowing off.


    My house is still half dusted and I haven’t started vacuuming. Someone did something bad in one of the toilets.

    I have 3 dozen more cookies to make and everyone will be threatened with their lives if they touch them.

    Matthew is watching endless DVR’d episodes of Drake and Josh and Full House. He has also discovered the movie Home Alone.

    Lauren keeps asking me to send supplementary e-mails to Santa because she has thought of a few more things she’d like.

    I am drinking endless cups of Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride hot tea, instead of wine, because I ran out of weight watcher’s points days ago.

    The kids and I still need to make reindeer food (oatmeal and glitter) to sprinkle on the lawn Christmas Eve. Chloe will eat it all the first time she goes outside so there will be sparkly little puppy turds all over the yard for the next two days.

Tales about my nails

  • December 17, 2008

I went to the nail salon today to get my fake fingernails filled and all the dead skin scraped off my heels before Christmas. There were only 3 technicians working when I walked in, two women and one man. The girl behind the counter told me to sit down and since one of the women was plucking her eyebrows and the other one was talking on the phone you can probably guess who she sent over.

I hate having the guy do my nails and this is the 3rd time it’s happened at this salon. He doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak pot sticker so we basically spend the next 50 minutes in awkward silence while he holds my hands.

Today his Black and Decker super fast fingernail sander thingy cut my cuticle and I started bleeding. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the cooties that were probably entering my skin via the exposed germ superhighway and wondered once again why I keep taking my life into my own hands for the sake of vanity.

I really needed a pedicure, because my heels looked like those of a ninety year old woman plus I wanted to have my toenails painted with OPI’s I’m Not Really a Waitress because it’s red and sparkly and perfect for Christmas. But when the nail technician who was done plucking her eyebrows started walking toward me, I recognized her as the one that almost broke my tibia last summer during the “massage portion” of the pedicure. I still have a Pavlovian pain response when I see her so I decided I’d go to a different salon in a couple days where hopefully I can get a pedicure from someone who is not a sadist.

I put some Neosporin on my cuticle when I got home and prayed that gangrene would not set in. Maybe someday when I catch something worse than funky toenail I’ll quit going to the nail salon. But until then, mama’s still got some grooming to do.

I’m such a loser!

  • December 17, 2008

I went to my second Weight Watchers weigh in today and I’ve lost another 2 lbs. I was pretty confident the scale would show a loss because the chest strap on my heart rate monitor had to be tightened this week (which means my boobs are already shrinking) but my ass is exactly the same size it was when I started WW and that is UNFAIR. However, thanks to J.Lo and Kim Kardashian, my honkytonk badonkadonk is a little more accepted these days. It will never be as small as I’d like though, because when you’re pear shaped like I am, your upper body will always be smaller than your lower body. It sucks wearing jeans that fit my butt but gap so much in the waist that every time I bend down to tie my shoes, the world can see my coin slot.

I don’t know what got into me today because not only did I PUT ON A NAMETAG, I fully participated in the totally gay meeting. And it was AARP city there today. No one but me and 4 chubby retired women (I had a vision of myself at a WW meeting 20 years from now and I was so traumatized by it I almost drove over to Jenny Craig). But then I remembered the tabloid photo I saw of Kirstie Alley the other day and she looks like she ATE Jenny Craig. And I heard alcohol is not allowed on Jenny’s program and that is just WRONG.

Once again I stayed within my points allowance but I didn’t do very well moderating my red wine consumption (shocker!). I did not get to go out for a greasy hangover lunch on Sunday at Ruby Tuesday like Dave did which pissed me off a little. It’s my own fault though as I do not remember anyone holding the offspring for ransom and forcing me to knock back a bunch of cabernet sauvignon.

So far I feel pretty good on WW. I think I can go the distance if I keep following the program. It’s not as FUN as eating and drinking whatever I want but unless I want to look like Kirstie Alley’s twin, I don’t have much choice. And when January 1st rolls around, I’ll already have made good headway on all those resolutions.

Watch out for werewolves, and me

  • December 12, 2008

According to the MSN homepage, the full moon tonight will be the biggest one of the year as Earth’s natural satellite reaches its closest point to our planet. The moon will rise this evening around sunset, no matter where you are.

Yay! A loophole to explain my vile behavior this week. I have the most horrible PMS I’ve ever experienced in my entire life and now I can blame it on the lunar cycle instead of MY cycle. They say there is no proof a full moon makes you crazy but they are WRONG. Plus the barometer is all over the place and that alone can mess with your mood. Everything happening at the same time is creating a perfect storm of pre-menstrual psychosis. Consider yourself warned.

I’ve gotten some relief this week from exercise. I need all the endorphins I can get to help balance my whacked out hormones. But when I got ready to work out on Wednesday, I discovered my ipod was dead because Matthew left it on all night. I was forced to listen to FM radio on Lauren’s Hello Kitty boom box. And our treadmill is such an incredible POS that it moves forward when you’re walking on it and unplugs itself every ten minutes. What that happens, it feels like someone has yanked me backward really hard by my ponytail. I felt just as bad when I finished Wednesday’s workout as I did when I started.

A couple years ago my friend Stacy told me about a pill her doctor prescribed that was supposed to help alleviate PMS. I made an appointment with my doctor and got a prescription for my own Mother’s Little Helper. I followed the instructions and started taking it 7 days before my next period.

By the time Aunt Flo showed up, I felt like my world was being filtered through a giant marshmallow. I was sitting in a big pile of “I don’t give a shit.” My anger was gone and so was most of my personality and sense of humor. I’d rather have PMS than feel like I’m walking through life underwater. And P.S. Eli Lilly? If you’re going to make a pill that treats PMS, make sure there are no sexual side effects. I’m a 41 year old housewife in her sexual prime and I don’t want anything messing with my mojo.

It’s not that I’m all Tom Cruise about pharmaceutical drugs. It’s just that I don’t think swallowing a synthetic pill developed by some freaky poindexter in an industrial laboratory is the solution I feel the most comfortable with. I tried it and didn’t like it.

It would be great if there really was a magic pill for PMS that didn’t have a bunch of undesirable side effects. I certainly need one this week. But until they get it right I will just have to deal with it like everyone else. But be careful tonight. You don’t want to get your head bitten off by a werewolf, or by me.

Help, I’m fading away……..

  • December 11, 2008

I had my first weigh in at Weight Watchers and I’m proud to announce that there is now 3.8 lbs. less of me. I stayed within my points range and still had enough of my weekly points allowance left to use on an entire bottle of cabernet sauvignon, even though that SLIGHTLY exceeds the WW suggested alcohol consumption guidelines. Pffft, details.

I even attended the meeting again but that’s only because I ran into a friend of mine, who is a trainer for WW, and I was afraid she’d bust me if she saw me sneaking out after getting weighed. I still refused to put on a nametag.

Arlene was excited because she was going to explain the new plan to us at the meeting. It’s pretty much the same as the old plan. Then she started asking random people what they did that week that helped them be successful and this is exactly the reason I hate these meetings. No one needs to hear I passed up frosting out of a can or that I chose not to drink 5 cosmos in 2 hours like I did a couple weeks ago.

Oprah Winfrey talks openly about her weight struggles in the January issue of “O” magazine. She claims to have fallen off the wagon and now weighs 200 lbs. I guess Oprah likes to shove canned frosting into her pie hole too.

“I’m mad at myself,” Winfrey writes in an article provided to the Associated Press by Harpo Productions. “I look at my thinner self and think, how did I let this happen again?” She also blames her weight gain on her ongoing “thyroid problem” which caused her to “fear exercise.”

This I don’t understand. That Bob Greene guy basically lives with her and Stedman and she still can’t get off her ass to go to the gym? I manage to exercise 4-5 times a week and all I have is a 12-year-old Treadmill from Montgomery Ward and a Y membership.

Winfrey also writes that her goal is no longer to be thin; instead she wants to be strong, healthy, and fit.

Not me. I’m already healthy (and SUPER PREFERRED in case you’ve forgotten). I’m just vain and want to look good in my clothes. And if that means that I can’t eat frosting for a while? I don’t think it’ll kill me.

In case you’d like to buy me a gift

  • December 10, 2008

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with string
Here are a few of MY favorite things

The wine aisle at Dahl’s
All day Kindergarten
Tom and Amy’s lake house
Tom and Amy’s pontoon boat
Tom and Amy’s wave runner
Tom and Amy (yes they’re PEOPLE but they own a bunch of the things)
Diet coke
People Magazine
The Internet
Vodka
My ipod
Sushi
The F bomb
Books
When people fall down
Spicy food
My DVR
Grilled shrimp
Face book
The Real Housewives of Orange County
The Real Housewives of New York City
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Online shopping
Snowstorms
Fresh lime juice
Sandalwood incense
Sex and The City, series and movie
Halloween
Lemons
Avocados
Twilight, books and movie

Everyone please get out of my way

  • December 9, 2008

Amy was telling me the other night that she and her mom went to Kohl’s and Target and both stores were packed with holiday shoppers. Then she proceeded to tell me she and her mom kind of LIKED it that way and didn’t mind the Christmas crowds. I think they both had a big fucking cup of crazy for breakfast because I find nothing more annoying than shopping during the month of December. Mostly it’s because I have no patience whatsoever.

I can’t stand how long it takes to complete my shopping transactions. God forbid there are more than two people ahead of me in line. Then, when it’s finally my turn, the retail employee wastes more of my time asking for my phone number and zip code. And NO, I don’t want to save 10% today if it means I first have to apply for your shitty credit card.

This is the conversation I had with the employee running the cash register at Pottery Barn:

Her: Will this be credit or debit?
Me: Debit
Her: And can I have your e-mail address?
Me: No.

She wasn’t very friendly to me after that and didn’t seem thrilled when I asked for a gift box. If I had been in a restaurant and she was my waitress she probably would have spit in my food.

I need e-mails from Pottery Barn like I need a hole in the head. In fact, I had to block them as a sender because they inundated my inbox with so much crap I got really annoyed and cursed myself for giving them my e-mail address LAST December. And P.S., Victoria’s Secret, Barnes and Noble, Amazon, Pet Smart, Kmart, Banana Republic, etc…. YOU’RE ALL BLOCKED!

We had Chloe embedded with a microchip so if she ever ran away and someone found her, they could scan her and find out who she belonged to. I want to have my debit card number micro-chipped under my skin so I can just wave my arm in the general vicinity of the cash register and not have to enter my PIN or sign anything. Transaction time: 20 seconds.

The other day Brooke and I were in Brighton and it was taking the salesgirl a really long time to ring up Brooke’s purchase. She was so slow I was almost embarrassed for her. Then, completely oblivious to her own inefficiency, she proceeded to tell Brooke and I the story of the history of Brighton. I left Brooke in the store and went out into the mall because I wasn’t positive I could control myself. I often fear a sudden onset attack of Tourette’s that might result in me saying out loud what I’m thinking in my head.

Next I had to go to Abercrombie and Fitch to get my niece Genevieve a gift card. I never shop there because at 41, I don’t think I really fit into their demographic and there are plenty of other places I prefer to shop.

FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHO IS IN CHARGE OF VOLUME CONTROL AT ABERCROMBIE?

When I walked in the music was so loud I couldn’t hear myself think. There were two teenagers behind the counter and one of them was helping an old lady. I walked up to the other one and SCREAMED that I needed a $40 gift card. She SCREAMED back at me to ask if I wanted a gift box for it. I SCREAMED “YES!” and was thankful this transaction process was actually very quick. I looked at the poor old lady next to me and noticed she was having trouble communicating with the other Abercrombie employee. My God if my ears were bleeding hers had likely suffered permanent damage and she probably had to buy a Miracle Ear on her way out of the mall. I like my music loud and I’m pretty sure I do plenty of damage by turning my ipod up as far as it will go when I’m working out but this was a total assault on my senses. I grabbed my gift card and got the hell out of there.

My last stop was Scheel’s because I wanted to get Dave a North Face coat for Christmas. Whenever Dave wants to buy me a gift he finds a salesperson, tells them what he is looking for, and then finds a comfortable chair to sit in while THEY shop for me. I decided to employ his method.

I walked up to the first employee I saw. His nametag said Lance and I told him what I was looking for. He led me over to the North Face display and started showing me some of the coats. Dave was right, this was so much easier than doing it myself.

I was a little confused about the correct size to buy when I noticed that Lance and Dave were about the same height and build. I asked Lance to put the coat on and give me a little twirl. Fun! Kind of like my own Ken doll. I had no idea Scheel’s employees were so helpful. I thought about having Lance try on the whole men’s North Face clothing line but that seemed a little excessive. I thanked Lance for all his help and walked to the cash register to pay.

I was done shopping, for that day anyway. It was a pretty successful trip to the mall. I bought several gifts and did not have any altercations with the Kiosk employees I hate so much. I’ll probably have to go back at least once more to finish up. Maybe Amy will go with me.

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