The Real Housewives of NYC-Unfashionably Late

**********If you are looking for the ‘TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ post, click here.

Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives was so boring, I almost fell asleep twice. Bravo dangled a big carrot in front of me by alluding to more Kelly shenanigans but didn’t deliver much in the way of drama, in my Real Housewife of Dallas County opinion.

The show opened with LuAnn and Count Chocula’s daughter Victoria coming home from boarding school for a weekend visit. Victoria has recently discovered shopping at Goodwill and tells LuAnn that she paid $9 for several scarves and sweaters. LuAnn misses a golden opportunity to commend Victoria for choosing to avoid conspicuous consumption but instead informs Victoria that they need to get her “paws” fixed while she’s home as it’s clear she is long overdue for a manicure. Later, while they are out shopping, Victoria tries to convince LuAnn not to buy a dress because she already has one just like it but LuAnn won’t listen, thus proving that sometimes children are smarter than the adults who give birth to them.

Next some douche from the BBC interviews Jill and tries to get her to admit that Americans, and their nasty spending, are the sole reason behind the entire world’s economic crisis. Frankly I don’t think Jill Zarin is the one they should be interviewing because even though she spends money almost as fast as Bobby can launder it, she doesn’t appear to be living above her means. Jill uses the interview as an opportunity to pimp her various charities and agrees that people who make donations to them may be feeling the pinch of a tighter budget. I think Jill handled the interviewer’s questions very well and defended her spending as something she could afford.

Kelly heads to the mall to get a new set of Glamour shots. She’s wearing her favorite pair of ripped up jeans for some totally bootylicious shots, yo! She also plans on using one of the pictures on the invitations for a Halloween party she’s hosting.

Jill meets with a fashion designer to finalize her and Ginger’s costume for a charity event/Halloween party that she’s attending with Ramona and Bethenny and their dogs. Jill and Ginger are going as Elle and Bruiser Woods from “Legally Blonde”. Ramona and her dog are dressed like Robin Hood and Bethenny dressed up as Roller Girl and dressed her dog cookie up as Roller Bitch. I’m going to dress up as Dorothy Hamill so I can wear ice skates because the day Chloe and I start attending parties together in matching costumes is the day hell freezes over.

Next up, Simon takes Alex to meet with a fashion designer named Maggie. All the clothes she designs are made from recycled materials. The Emperor Simon has paid the swindler Maggie $7,000 he doesn’t have (hey BBC interviewer, over here!) to commission the most fabulous new couture corset for Alex. The Swindler Maggie tells Simon that only those people who are truly on the cutting edge of fashion will realize just how totally awesome the corset is and all others will have to return to their native Australia right away.

Simon presents the corset, made entirely out of old burlap feed bags to Alex and he’s so excited by the truly fabulous garment that he turns into an actual girl.

“Jesus H. Christ,” Alex thinks. “What the eff has my gay husband done now? If I refuse to have my boobs held up by a freaking feedbag they’ll think I’m not edgy and don’t have any fashion sense and then they’ll make me go back to Kansas and live in the suburbs and that simply cannot happen because I live in Brooklyn, BROOKLYN DAMMIT! with all the other wannabe hipster posers and I’m not going back to the midwest and they can’t make me!”

Alex has no choice but to go on and on about how wonderful the crappy piece of burlap is. She then claims that she and Simon tend to be fearless with fashion and since she wants to wear the corset in as public a place as possible, she plans on wearing it to the opening night at the opera (where hopefully a tourist from my hometown will walk by and point out that the corset is ridiculous).

Next everyone shows up for Kelly’s frat Halloween party, except Kelly. Jill dresses as Marie Antoinette, Bethenny recycles her Roller Girl costume, and LuAnn trots out some American Indian garb, complete with a feather. Simon and Alex come as Sarah Palin and a moose.

Not only is Kelly a no-show but there’s a cash bar for God’s sake and the housewives are not happy about having to pay for their own skinnygirl cocktails. Bethenny delivers a speech about how not fabulous Kelly is and skates off down the street. The housewives finally give up on Kelly and leave to go to the other wonderful parties they’ve been invited to.

When Kelly and barely bi-lingual Max do finally show up she is wearing a black bunny costume because Party America didn’t have any more naughty nurse outfits. Kelly says her outfit is fun and flirty but since she’s a mom it can’t be over the top. Kelly admits she’s late but says that her girls had to celebrate Halloween and then she had to get ready (which would all be things I would have thought about ahead of time but whatever). Kelly looks around and gets upset when she realizes everyone has left but finally admits that what she did was “not nice” and halfheartedly defends herself by mentioning that she couldn’t call anyone because she can’t fit a Blackberry in her costume.

Next week, Bravo anticipates a spike in ratings as Kelly and Bethenny lace up their gloves for round two and Kelly tries to keep the other housewives from lynching her.