The Post Where I Almost Had To Kick Belle’s Ass

Some of you may know that Cowboy Dave and I took the offspring to Disney World a couple weeks ago. And hello? I don’t know if it’s the happiest place on earth, but it sure as hell is the sweatiest.

We had a great time and we visited all the parks. Matthew and Lauren loved the Tower of Terror and the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster at Disney Hollywood Studios, Cowboy Dave liked the beer at Epcot, and I loved Animal Kingdom because they have a ride called Expedition Everest. It’s a roller coaster and right in the middle, a big ugly Yeti jumps out and scares you. My friend Peggy had told me I’d like that ride but she didn’t tell me why. She was right. I loved it.

We also went to storytime with Belle at Magic Kingdom because my friend Keri told me that Lauren would love it and that they select kids from the audience to help act out the story of Beauty and the Beast. She told us where to sit in order to increase the odds that Lauren would be chosen as they usually picked kids sitting up front near stage left.

Lauren was so excited. When they started coming around to choose kids her little hand was up in the air and she had a big “pick me please” smile on her face.

They didn’t pick her. She was pissed.

But when it was time to pick someone to play the beast, Belle said, “That man back there, in the grey t-shirt, come on up.” Oh yes, grey t-shirt man was Dave. A very taken off guard, WTF you talkin’ ’bout Willis (RIP Gary Coleman) Dave.

Lauren was all, “They picked daddy and not me!”

Dave was escorted to the stage and dressed in a beast costume. I was laughing so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes. I was dying. I thought it was hysterical.

Until Belle made the moves on Dave.

She must have been waiting backstage in an air-conditioned room because she wasn’t sweating at all. Her hair was smooth and shiny and her pretty blue dress wasn’t sticking to her.

I, on the other hand, was rockin’ a sweaty ponytail, a serious case of “hat-head”, and it looked like I’d pissed myself due to a freak tsunami-sized wave that landed in my lap when we were on splash mountain.

Here’s Dave wearing his Beast costume. He’s such a good sport. If Lauren can’t participate in story time, at least daddy can.

Hey Belle? If anyone’s gonna undress Dave it’s me as long as he gets his damn self to bed before I fall asleep and then actually he can just take his own clothes off because I’m probably kind of tired and I only have so much energy left .

WTF! I can see you! It isn’t nice to try and steal my husband when I’m not exactly at the top of my game, Belle.

You total homewrecking whore.

See the look on Dave’s face? This is what he’s thinking: Gosh Belle, you’re cute and all that and your hair is shiny and you’re totally bulletproof against this God-awful heat and humidity but see that girl over there, the sweaty one who looks like she pissed herself? That’s my wife and I know she doesn’t look too good right now but she cleans up okay and I love her so you and I aren’t gonna happen, K?

Belle finally got it through her big fat head that Dave wasn’t the cheating type and we went on our way.

So if you’re planning a trip to Disney World in the near future, be careful of that Belle.

God knows how many vacationing husbands she’s got locked up in her castle.