The Purse Post

Missy recently tagged me to write a post about the contents of my purse.

I just met Missy and I like her even though she’s a Cyclone and I’m a Hawkeye. I’m wondering if Missy realizes just how much I’ve posted about a certain purse on this blog, namely the Dooney and Bourke medium Chiara bag in black leather that I still don’t own. If you’d like the back story, please click here.

As many of you know, I launched a plan in late December to earn some money to buy the Dooney after Santa fucked me over let me down. Between selling my eggs on Craig’s List, donating blood, and stripping at the Lumberyard, I was positive I’d earn enough money to buy it myself.

Unfortunately, some meddling whore over on Craig’s List read my blog and told everyone not to buy my eggs because any children produced from them would probably have webbed feet and a tail.

And I never did make it to The Lumberyard because Dave got all bent out of shape at the idea of me stripping. I reminded him that before Diablo Cody wrote the screenplay for Juno she wrote a memoir titled Candy Girl which chronicled her experiences as a stripper in Minnesota. Her guy was cool with it and even married her later. Dave still said no way and I read the other day that Diablo and her husband got divorced so maybe Dave knows what he’s talking about.

And I never sold my blood because the Blood Center of Iowa only wants it if it’s free. Huh.

And then when I finally scraped up enough cash to buy the Dooney, those mother-effers at Younkers and Dillards no longer had it in stock.

This is a picture of my actual purse. I’ve been carrying it all winter and I’ll probably be carrying it until I die. I got it at Banana Republic two years ago and I like it because it’s big enough to hold all my stuff, two bottles of wine, and Chloe.

This is my boring brown wallet and my boring brown checkbook cover with the nerdy clip which holds back all the pages of my checkbook register. Below that is my little collection of Aveda goodies (click to enlarge). I love the smell of everything Aveda, especially their Shampure shampoo and conditioner. The little spray bottle on the left is perfume that they mixed for me at the Aveda salon I go to (I had a coupon and got it for free, yay!).

The next two items are necessary because the offspring often have something coming out of their nose or something sticky all over their hands. But rest assured, you will never see either of my kids coming toward you with something gross streaming from their nose while I appear to be blind and act like I don’t see it like some moms (I’ve been known to yell “Uh, little Johnny needs a kleenex RIGHT NOW!”). Below that is the epi-pen and Benadryl I carry at all times because Lauren is allergic to eggs. I’ve never had to use it which is a good thing because I’m afraid I’ll panic and shoot epinephrine into my thumb and not Lauren’s thigh.

Next we have my Weight Watchers points slider thingy, weigh in booklet, hand lotion, cell phone, lip gloss, and chapstick. I never use the lip gloss but I’m completely addicted to cherry chapstick. The cell phone was chosen solely for the fact that it’s red which is my favorite color.

My purse isn’t very full or interesting. But you know whose purse would be interesting? Trish’s. It’s half the size of mine yet she has twice the amount of crap shoved in it. Usually stuff is overflowing out the top. Seriously, I bet there’s some pretty odd shit in there. Next time she’s over I’ll try to take pictures of everything in her purse but I’ll probably have to do it on the down-low because after she reads this post she’s going to be pissed off at me for a little while.

I think that’s all you need to know about my purse. Please come back next week so I can regale you with the contents of my kitchen utensil drawer, affectionately known in our house as “the portal to hell.”