Seriously, like a bull in a china shop

You know how I was saying that the vase I bought at Pier 1 was going to require moving all the home accessories on my main floor around?

I wasn’t kidding.

Our house is in shambles right now. Everything that used to be on a shelf or table in the family room is now piled up in the dining room. I think Dave is getting a little tired of me asking him if he likes “that candle over there” and does he think that vase “should be up a little higher.” I bet my spending all day on the computer is starting to sound pretty good compared to my spending all day on the computer AND tearing the house apart and not putting anything back.

I went to Pier 1 again today, sans husband and the offspring, ready to knock this mother of a decorating project out.

I got there right at 10:00 which, according to the sign on the door, is when they’re supposed to open. The doors were still locked so I kept peering through the windows like a crazy person. At around 10:05 I gave the doors a little rattle because I’m thinking, maybe if they can’t see me they’ll hear me. Finally, someone opens the door, apologizing for not opening it sooner. I’m all “oh it’s no problem” but what I’m really thinking is get out of my way because all the inventory I’ve been looking at through the window is starting to resemble home decor crack and I must get me some RIGHT NOW!

First I tried to locate a huge vase that Dave and I had seen on Sunday. We have a two story entryway and there’s a big shelf high off the ground that would be perfect for an oversized piece of pottery with maybe some of those floral stems sticking out the top. That would be a big improvement over the two inches of dust and one pink fleece lined croc that’s up there now (no one will admit to throwing the shoe).

I thought for sure they had sold the vase I wanted. I couldn’t find it anywhere and since I was the only one in the store, both the manager and another employee were trying to help me find it. They kept showing me things and I kept saying, “I don’t think that’s it.”

Finally I chose a different vase, which wasn’t quite what I wanted, but I thought it would work anyway. Then, the Pier 1 employee and I started trying all kinds of different floral stems and sticks to see what looked best. I didn’t like the little eucalyptus but I did like the big leaves. But then I liked the tall grasses better so we switched everything out several times.

Then, I actually found the vase I was looking for in the first place. The Pier 1 employees switch everything around every forty eight hours and they had different stuff coming out the top and I got confused. So we took all the stems out of the other vase and the manager tried out several for me in the vase I had wanted from the start. She had to climb up a ladder every time we tried something new and I felt bad because she was starting to sweat.

Using my camera phone, I sent Dave several pictures of the vase with the stems sticking out the top and also a piece of wall art that I liked to his Blackberry, NONE of which he received, thus proving I really don’t know how to use any of the electronic devices in my possession. I’ll never own a Blackberry of my own because frankly, I’m afraid the learning curve would be too difficult for me. Think how much better this blog would look if I mastered HTML and wasn’t afraid to install widgets.

Next I pulled out a bunch of really tall stick things to put in ANOTHER vase I already own that’s in the corner of my dining room. I turned to the side while holding the sticks and wham, knocked a reed diffuser full of scented oil onto the floor. The glass didn’t shatter but it made a big freaking mess.

Seriously, I have no idea when I became such a messy, clumsy, PITA shopper. I must have said “please” and “thank you” and now “I’m sorry” about fifteen times. I thought, “if I damage anything else during this visit, I’m just going to leave.” This is not the first time I’ve broken something in Pier 1 either. I once reduced a pyramid of plastic wine glasses to smithereens. You’d think they’d be kind of unbreakable since they’re plastic but they’re not.

I finally found everything I was looking for and went up to the cash register to pay. Meanwhile, a couple more customers came up to the counter and were waiting patiently to pay for their items. The employee helping me told them someone would be with them in a minute and I’m thinking, no they won’t, because they’re busy cleaning up the path of destruction I just left in the home fragrance area.

Finally I left. The really nice, and totally forgiving staff at Pier 1 helped me load my giant vase into my car, thanked me, and sent me on my way. I’m so going to have to go to the other Pier 1 on the south side for a while.

I got everything unloaded from the car by myself but I can’t put the big vase up on the high shelf without some help. It’s going to require the really tall ladder that Dave used when he painted our last house. Plus, I never like to attempt anything that might require a 911 call when I’m home alone because if I knock myself unconscious during the fall someone needs to be able to call an ambulance.

I wonder how Dave will feel about helping with the vase relocation project BEFORE dinner. It would probably be better if I wait until he’s taken off his coat and I’ve plied him with the fajitas I’m making tonight.

But after that, I’m gonna need some help from handyman Dave.