Last Saturday our good friends Tom and Amy and their kids came over for one of our bi-monthly get togethers. The kids are always happy because we pretty much give them whatever they want and we adults get to drink as much wine as we can hold. For a while Matthew was collecting corks but there were so many of them I got embarassed and threw a lot of them away when he was at school. He’s still looking for them.
Anyway, we sent the kids downstairs to the playroom and got ready to get our drink on. We were having a great time talking and catching up while we waited for the pizza delivery guy to show up with our dinner.
About a fourth of the way through our bottles of wine, Amy and I amused ourselves by perusing urbandictionary.com. Amy was not familiar with the site so I spent a few minutes showing her my favorite dirty words and phrases. Neither of us knew what an Alabama Hot Pocket was and now that we do? Neither of us will ever be able to enjoy a REGULAR Hot Pocket for lunch ever again. Also you may want to click on Cincinatti Bowtie, Birmingham Booty Call, and Strawberry Shortcake because you will not believe what people will do in bed. And if you don’t need the urban dictionary to tell you what those mean? You seriously scare the shit out of me.
Meanwhile, the boys were talking about the boring old economy and how shitty it is. We started talking about how Dave’s job was in jeopardy and that we better come up with a back up plan to get us beyond the six month’s of severance pay he would receive. Dave mentioned off-handedly that we needed to invent something and sell it to make money. Having now polished off half our wine we came up with the following: stinky candles. You know, like those Bertie Bott’s every flavor beans from Harry Potter that come in flavors like vomit and booger. Except our candles would smell really bad when you lit them and would sweep the nation as the best gag gift EVER. You could totally take them to birthday parties and instead of showing up with some queer beer mug that says “Lordy, Lordy, looks who’s 40″ you could say, “dude, I brought you a candle that smells like ass.” And you know everyone would rush to light it to see if in fact it did smell like it said it did. But alas, a quick google search pissed on our parade as we discovered WE WERE NOT THE FIRST TO HAVE THIS IDEA.
However, their idea of a gag candle is one that smells like beer, urinal cake, or stripper. Hold onto your hats folks ’cause we’re almost done with our bottles and we are a whole lot raunchier than that.
Presenting the top ten list of smelly candles our endeavors would produce (if we could just find a willing chemist).
#10 Whiskey and feet
#5 Wet ass
# 4 Sweaty balls
# 3 My old French whore
# 2 Toe jam
#1 Wang, dang, sweet poontang!
(Patent pending) Jealous?